my sd was basically abandoned by her bio-mom. She sent her to live with her dad and me 3 years ago. Now we hardly hear from her. What is wrong with some people?? I don't understand how she could do this! My sd is 9 and is aware of what is going on around her but still insists that her "real mom" is going to come rescue her from us. How do we deal with this?
2006-07-10 05:28:33 · 11 answers · asked by itsjustme 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
My sd is in therapy...its a long process. She has seen how her bio-mom doesnt want to be around her. We have made her tell my sd when she wasnt going to see her for her weekend or whatever. It's just really frustrating and annoying. I know why my sd wants to be "rescued" its b/c we are more strict and expect more of her than her bio-mom does!!
2006-07-10 05:40:08 · update #1
Take her to therapy. Her real mom may have self-esteem issues, or a mental condition. Assure your step-daughter that she is loved, and that it's ok for her to love her mom. She's not old enough, or mature enough to really understand the situation, and she's going to need you to be there for her.
My step-daughter was 11 when I married her dad. Her mother had abandoned her 2 years earlier. She always believed that her mother would come back for her, but she never did. I cared for my step-daughter as if she were my own, and let her work through her disappointment because if I had said anything bad about her mother, she would have hated me for it. I was just there for her, and still am, even after she realized that her mother wasn't coming back.
2006-07-10 05:34:27 · answer #1 · answered by Justsyd 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Therapy is the best route at this point. As frustrating and irritating as it is, you just have to have a LOT of patience and even more love for this very messed up kid.
At 9, she's gone through a lot over the last few years, and it's hard for a little kid to assimilate all this, and understand about the mother-bond not being there.
As hurtful as it is, you (your husband, really) may just have to buck up the courage and tell the child that her mother's not coming back any time soon, and this is just the way it is, and at least she's got folks who care about her.
She's at least old enough to understand that just because she stomps her little foot, things aren't going to magically turn out her way. Pretty high on the short term screw-up scale, but perhaps it'll make some impact on her as to how grave the situation really is.
As for how a mother can do that? Well, some women just do not have a maternal instinct. Its not something that can be taught...its something that is either there or isn't. At least the girl has someplace to call home and isn't in some weird situation where the mom's never around or is being a drug dealer or a whore while the kid's watching TV or something awful like that.
Good luck.
2006-07-10 13:29:36 · answer #2 · answered by Brutally Honest 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This doesn't look good but it may be better for the daughter in the long-run. A worse situation is when a negligent parent wants the child.
My son's father decided to marry a loser who brought three children older than my son into the marriage. He didn't want to just be raising her children and apparently neither did she. Suddenly they wanted my son and did everything possible to make him want to live there.
Meanwhile, the eldest was charged with drug possession at school and my son's dad and his wife left the children alone and went on vacation.
After a lengthy court case, I still have custody, but his dad has enough resentment to cause quite a bit of damage to me and my son.
I really think that it is important that this young girl understand that setting appropriate rules takes effort on the part of the parent and is a form of love.
Also I would hope that you can come up with some reasons that appeal to her that would make her want to live with you. You may be more strict but perhaps you can give her an allowance when she follows the rules. My kids get Dairy Queen and Build-a-Bear coupons and gift cards.
The reason this is important is because her mother is like my son's dad was and sometimes all of sudden they want the child back and this is not in the child's best interest.
It is very hard to keep a child that wants to go back to the mom and when they are 14 or so, they get to have a say in the court system.
2006-07-10 13:28:31 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
What do you tell the child? Giving voice to a hopeless dream is more cruel than telling them that bio-Mom is never going to "rescue" them and that they are not much more that anything else that bio-mom discards with the trash.
Have tyou thought about letting the child try and contact bio-Mom? Certainly the lack of response and ignorance on Bio-Mom's part may erode the image this child has of her.
A lot better than telling the child, "Where has she been for the last six years? If she loved you that much where is she?"
Work with the child to try and reconcile, so that you don;t come off as some kind of villain.
2006-07-10 12:37:01 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, you have her in therapy and that is important. The thing is that you are trying to understand her: DON'T BOTHER. You can't change her, and you will never understand her. Don't "make" her tell her daughter anything - she will use it against you later. Just make your step-daughter secure where she is and know that she is loved. Kids feel and understand tension, etc, and she doesn't need that. It's not her fault the way her mom is, and it sounds like she might be being told that her mom doesn't want her, etc. NO KID should ever hear that. Good luck!
2006-07-10 14:45:18 · answer #5 · answered by working mom of 3 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is the bio mom paying child support? If not why? The fact that she doesn't want to see her child is her business. There is no need for you to understand why. She has placed the child into your custody (hopefully there are court documents to this effect)and she should be paying child support or relinquish all parental rights. Contact a lawyer.
2006-07-17 12:14:46 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know one thing is that you never tell the child what you think about the bb. Just let her think what she wants because at that age they are going to think it no matter what. When she gets older and finds out the truth the bb may find out more then what she ever wanted. It may be best if you have full custody thou. If you don't, I would try to find the bb and have her sign the papers.
2006-07-10 12:37:40 · answer #7 · answered by teapot2432 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i know what she's going through my mom abonded me and my little sister it was really hard cause we were always watching for her. Now were both adults and our mom came back in the picture and tries to take credit for raising us. It's nothing that u can really ever get over u just have to try and get past it. Don't try to push the issue with her or make her feel that it's her fault cause she probbaly thinks it's her fault already
2006-07-10 15:17:54 · answer #8 · answered by jamie091904 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well I don't think its something she will get over, as children we love our parents no matter what they do, or don't do. Maybe when she is older.. much older she will realize what you guys have done for her and appreciate it. I was in foster care and I saw ALOT of children with the worse parents in the world, yet they insisted that their parents would fight to get them back, even after years of not seeing them and being in foster care. its really sad, and i don't really know why its like that, but good for you for at least trying to help her.
2006-07-10 12:51:56 · answer #9 · answered by fandj4ever 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
work with her. Keep up the therapy, And let her know that you guys love and care no matter how hard she pushes you away. Keep showing the caring and love. In time she'll come around.
2006-07-16 16:14:41 · answer #10 · answered by missbehave252002 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋