How to deal with the loss of your mother?

Question

My Mom passed away in November and the pain is still so overwhelming. I go to work everyday and I take care of my family but the pain is always there and makes me very sensitive to life in general. I can't afford counseling and haven't found any books yet that will help me find ways to deal with it time is not healing the pain.

Answer 1

I lost my brother over 10 years ago and still hurt. I lost my other brother 2 weeks ago and didnt know what I was doing or how I would get through it. It is like my world is spinning out of control.

Given my two experiences are not exactly like loosing a mother I can provide some insight.

Over the years I have grown because of my loss, and try to be better for it. I see life differently and can honestly tell you that my decisions are based on what my brother would want me to do.

The hurt will NEVER go away, it will get better but it will always linger and hit you at unexpected moments.

I know it sounds cliche' but remember the good times, be content in the fact you knew her, period.

If you are religious, you must depend and lean on your faith. (It's all a test.)

If you are not religious, try to find your strength from somewhere else. Maybe in all the good qualities your mother had.

Finally know that you are from her, you are her, she is you- :)

-and remember a counselor is nothing but a person with an open ear. a close friend can do the same. :)

Answer 2

Well that is a hard one there. I lost my Mom in 1983 and it was very hard for me. She was my last parent alive. ok on to your question. Let me see How did I deal with her dieing. Well I had a very supportive gentleman friend that I have married in 1986. I know there are steps you have to go through in dealing with the lose of anyone. I could not afford counseling either. I worked so I dove into that but that was not enough. You have to go through the tears and the pain and remember all the greattimes you had together as well as the bad. Look at what she taught you and just know that she is still with you in spirit watching over you and your family. I am not going to say you get over it because you really do not you get through it and you come out the other side a stronger person. I prayed alot and relied on God and his angels to help me. There are still times even today that I miss her terribly and wish she was here now. I hold onto the thought that she sees all that is going on in my life and my family's life too. Talk about her to your family and friends. I do and did that and that helps too. Allow yourself the time to heal it took me 10 years and it might take you that long. Do not put a time limit for your grief it is different in every person. Do not let anyone else say you should be over it they do not know your pain. no one does only you do. From November to now is not a long time do not be so hard on yourself. I am going to say time dulls the pain I do not think you ever heal from this. Mom's are your best friend,teacher,greatest supporter, and leader. All I do is try and make her proud of me if she were here with me. I hope this helps God Bless you and I will say a prayer for you

Answer 3

Talk to others who have lost loved ones. If you don't have anyone to talk to about this, I'm sure there are self-help groups available.

When you say you haven't found any books yet, have you actually READ books? I'm sure there must be some. Perhaps reading books with different approaches would help.

Also, counseling may be available -- you pay what you can afford. Don't assume all counseling is expensive.

The most helpful thing is to talk to people who can understand what you're going through. Talking, for example, to people who simply tell you to buck up or get over it is NOT helpful (as you probably know).

You CAN move past this. Really you can.

Also, November isn't all that long ago. Too many people assume you should be able to move on in hours or weeks. Sometimes it takes longer.

Finally, if there are unresolved issues with her, this impedes healing. You may need to deal with them as part of the process.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 4

First off, I am sorry for your loss.

If you are looking to find something to read that might help, try going to Barnes & Noble or some similar book store...they have a large selection of self-help books that might be of some comfort.

Also, I don't know if you are a person of faith, but many chuches offer free grief counseling programs; another place to call about grief support groups is your local funeral home...for obvious reasons they have connections with such groups.

You also may want to check with your local county health department...some times they can offer free or low-cost counseling services for people who can't afford counseling.

I hope this helped a little. In the meantime, try to focus on the good times you and Mom shared together.

Good Luck.

Answer 5

You have my sympathy and empathy. My mother died about 16 months ago and I am still in pain. Sometimes I feel that she could have died yesterday. The only advice I can give from experience is to understand that life will go on and eventually, it may take a long time - years not months perhaps, the pain will be less intense and bearable. It takes time. In the meantime, be good to yourself and do not overlook the people in your life who love you and whom you love. Taking care of my daughter keeps me going and the old saw of "one day at a time" is true. Losing your mother is one of the great traumas of life that few of us are really prepared for. By the way - I have not done this - but there are support groups out there that do not cost money. Do some googling and phoning to find a bereavement support group in your area. You are not alone. Hang in there.

Answer 6

I would go to amazon.com and type in "grieving". I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mother-in-law in Feb. and I too am very saddened by it. There should be free counseling somewhere in your area. I know there is in mine. Call Jobs and Family services in your area or a local hospital, they should be able to help you find someone to talk to. The pain doesn't ever go away, it just subsides. Amazon does have many books though that I have found helpful, even something as silly as Chicken Soup for the Grieving soul.

Good Luck and may peace be with you.

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear your loss, I have not lost my mom or dad but I lost a child 3 months ago. Time is the number one thing, how you lost your mother might be affecting you or how your relationship at the time of death was. Closure is very important. I'm sure you will never get over the loss but time will heal your pain, but it may be many many years to come. There are free support groups at your local hospitals, that is what I attend 1 time a month and it is free. Good luck and god bless you

Answer 8

I lost my father eleven years ago and then my brother five months later. You need to give yourself time. Every person is different when it comes to grief. Some people can move on so quickly and others have problems moving on for some time. I took several years to move on after loosing them both. I continued to live my life but emotionally shut down for several years. The only bit of advise I have is to not rush yourself through the grief. Allow yourself to cry, think of her often, and talk about her as much as you can. The pain will never fully go away but you will learn to live with it and move on. Eleven years after the fact I still feel the pain of their loss but it is a sweet reminder of the love I had for them.

Answer 9

You will heal. I am lucky enough to still have both parents. But I did loose my grandmother who raised me from the ages of 5 to 13. Loosing her still hurts. It was the way she died. So much more could have been done for her. Do you have religion? Praying is all that soothes me. She never met my children but thinking of how proud she would be of the way I've led my life and the goals I've met helps me still feel close to her and that helps with the void. Just have faith in the fact that your mother does know how hard you work and know she is proud of you and maybe it will help. I know its been months since you lost her, but more time is needed. Be patient you will live through this and you will feel whole again one day.

Answer 10

Focus on the wonderful things you would do with your mother. Did she teach you to sew? Did you garden together? Find something that she taught you and pass it on to a younger family member. It takes a long time to recover from loosing a parent (both of mine are gone). Can you plant a tree in a park or a rose bush in her honor?

Doing things that you both enjoyed will help you focus on her memory in a positive fashion. Write in a journal or letters to pass on to siblings about your memories. I'll bet you remember things that your siblings (if you have them) don't.

My son and I lived the last several years with my mother. We like to remember her doing things with us. Holding on to the pain is not constructive, so find a positive way to remember her.

Good luck!