How do I get my 4 year old daughter to clean her room without screaming at me?

Question

I've tried it all, I've read it all...I need help...

She's very capable and will do it if I stand over her but she whines and cries and screams at me.

I don't want to lose it and I don't know what to do...

HELP!

Answer 1

Make sure she understands why it's important to clean her room- not because Mom says so and because it's what big kids do, but because a messy room isn't safe or attractive, and it makes it hard for her to find her toys. Ask her why she complains about cleaning, and help her fix the problems she has with cleaning (maybe she thinks it's no fun... so find fun ways to clean, etc).

Then, teach her the best ways to clean- a logical order of operations. Also, make sure she knows exactly what you expect from her. Does she have to make her own bed? Take her laundry to the laundry room? (And make sure your expectations are reasonable for a 4 year old. Even making a bed is tough for someone so little.)

Offer your help happily if she asks for it. A whole room to clean can be overwhelming for an adult, much less a four year old! Finally, demands and anger won't help. If she still won't clean her room, rely on the consequences of her actions.

Natural consequences are things like stubbing her toe on a toy she left out, or breaking the toy while trying to step over it (just make sure there are no real health hazards in the room). Help her understand why she got hurt/ the toy got broken, and she may become more willing to clean up.

Logical consequences could be things like, if her room isn't cleaned and you have to do it by yourself, you might take the toys from her room and put them away somewhere else, or you temporarily take them away all together. Just make sure that the consequences actually have something to do with the action- taking away dessert, or not letting her go do something fun won't connect in her brain as a consequence of not cleaning her room. Not allowing a friend over to play because your little girl's room isn't safe is a good way to make that connection between action and consequence.

A word about rewards- they help in the short-term, but they do not teach your child to do an action because it is good and right (which is really what you want her to learn, right?) A reward teaches her that if she does the right thing, she will get something good. We all know that doesn't happen in the real world, so it's best to avoid rewards when possible. Sometimes, when you need a quick fix, a little bribery is okay, just don't rely on it often! :)

Hope that helps!

Answer 2

my father once said to me "he who has the gold, makes the rules". if you do not get control of this situation she will only get worse the loder she gets.
if she started throwing temper tantrums the first thing i would do is put her in the time out chair for 5 minutes (that is a long time for a 4 yr. old). the next time 10 minutes. if that doesn't work then do not let her watch her favorite show. if that doesn't work put her in time out for 5 minutes and let her miss her favorite show. time out has to be done when she misbehaves, not later. the denial of the show can be later.
another alternative is a spanking although that is my last option.
also, i do not like the reward system because this is her room and thus it is her responsibility. you might want to help her with cleaning her room, after all she is only 4 years old. i really think this is the way to go. if she was 10 years old then denying privileges would get her attention.
good luck, i use to have a similiar situation! as she gets older remember, "he who has the gold makes the rules!"

Answer 3

There is a great program called "Love and Logic" that can help you deal with these kind of problems. Very nicely say to her, "Sweetheart, as soon as your toys are put away, we can go for ice cream (watch your favorite TV show, go to the park, etc). If she doesn't follow through, sympathize with her BIG TIME by saying, "Oh, that's too bad that you didn't get your toys put away. We can't go for ice cream until it is done." That puts all the control in her court, and this is what the whole issue is about. Remember, four year olds need to know what specifically you want her to do: Make the bed, put away toys, etc. She won't get it if you just say "Clean your room." She is still VERY little!

Answer 4

Make it seem like her idea. When I was younger, I hated being told to clean my room – I would much rather clean it because I wanted to clean it. Now, maybe she doesn’t want to clean it at all, in which case I suppose the above idea wont help much. However, you can try a rewards system. Like make a chart with stars or something and when she cleans her room she gets points, and then when she reaches a certain number of points she gets a special reward, like a cookie, or a trip to a favorite place. Also, when she gets older and starts doing chores around the house, you can incorporate them into the rewards system. Good luck!

Answer 5

Put her in the corner or leave her in her room until it is clean. Don't let her get a drink or anything to eat, until it is clean... (I am not being mean or abusive when I say that)... Usually kids will clean their room cause they want their snack etc... If she still won't clean it then let her out of her room only for meals and to use the bathroom etc... Make her stay in there until it is clean... I hope this helps... (LOL I don't have any kids)...

Answer 6

You are the parent

She is the child!

Sounds like you need to remind her who is in charge. Tell her she can't leave her room until it is clean (and make sure there is no TV or games in there) Who cares if she screams at you

If you let her walk all over you when she is 4, it will never stop

Answer 7

She is WAY to young for this task. While she can physicaly pick things up children of her age lack the mental ability to focus on any task for more than 1 or 2 minutes. Your best bet is to train her to put each toy away as soon as she is finshed using it or moves to another toy. Forcing your child at this age into any task that takes longer than one or two minutes repeatadly can be extremly bad for her. You're setting her up to fail each time and eventualy she will give up trying at all. Wait till she it 6 or 7 before attempting this again.

Answer 8

make it fun for her play a game involving cleaning show her it can be fun. don't reward her with treats because that is unhealthy. the reward will be sweeter in the long run when she gets in the habbit of doing it everyday by herself. in the begining though just let her see how fun it can be with a game then she will eventually play the cleaning game herself. i have two kids three and four and they both love the cleaning time game. they do it all over the house and they are boys!!!

Answer 9

Ask her to do it nicely and tell her not to come out until she is finished. When she comes out, don't say a word. Just take a big black trashbag and put all the stuff that is left out on the floor into it. Toss the bag out into the garage. My four year old figured out real quick how to get that bag back upstairs and put everything away before the trashmen came to take it away.

Answer 10

Offer her a prize for each time she obeys you.

Tell her, well if you clean your room then maybe all get you the thing you want < depending on what it is.

Then, offer her bigger prizes for when she cleans her room without being asked.

Remember, she's only 4. But, hopefully this will work..

Great Luck!