Well here it goes. How do you tell your teenage child that you placed there bother up for adoption . Please He

Question

I am 37 years old and made this choice when my daughter was barley 2. When do I tell her how do I tell her. She is my heart and I dont want this to ruin our relationship. Im so torn and feel my heart breaking as i type this. Please Help Sincerley,

WOW! I appriciate all the responses however I feel maybe more details would help. Someone in the family told her and she wants to no if it is true or not I was caught of guard and lied . This is why I feel so torn and conflicted I dont want to lie to her or continu to Im just not sure if she could handle the truth just yet . I have played this moment over and over in my head this is not how I planed for it to happen.

Answer 1

Oh my god. Can you re-word this? Wow this is incredible. If I was your child I would flip out on you and hate you forever. Sorry, it's the truth.

Answer 2

I think that the best time to tell her is when you feel totaly comfortable telling her this might be today tommorow or maybe never...

Some things are just better left unsaid if she is a mature teenager and you think that she will take it well just practice exactly what you want to tell her but if the right moment doesnt come up i do no think that you should tell her because you relationship with your daughter is way more important than telling her a seceret.

hope everything works out in the end.

Answer 3

I am sorry you are in such distress over this!!

I have to say as a mother seperated from a child by adoption as well, this is quite a difficult desicion to make!!
Our situations are different as my daughter found pictures of her brother when she was young...Before even knowing who he was, she would call him her 'cousin' not even comprehending that she made a familal connection with her half brother..That was when I started to tell her....
While our situations are different, I now have small children, my son is now 20 yrs old and he comes to our home to visit several times a year..My 5 yr old does not understand how he has a different 'mommy and daddy' as she says...I cannot explain it to her..It is too hard right now...It is hard for me and I know she will not understand, but I will soon have to explain it to her fully, as will you to your child...
I wish I understood more why you are torn about telling her, that would help me make sense of this more..Is it shame you feel...The pain of bringing it back up?? As one natural mother to another, I can definitely understand these feelings and would by no means judge you for it, I myself have lived them! Although others who have not endured relinquishment can barely understand the whole gamut of emotions that come with it, I surely do!!
Are you afraid she will judge you? Be angry with you??
These are the first things that come to my mind...Possibly the same pain I feel when confronted with explaining to my 5 yr old why my son doesnt live with us, it brings up ALOT of my own pain!!
I feel that if someone has already told her, it might be a good time to lay out the truth..She will lose trust in you and it would be better if you reapproached this again This is what I would do: maybe you could start off light, out to a movie, ice cream and then 'the talk'..Possibly if you have pictures, take those as well...Explain what circumstances led you to your decision...Explain how you feel about it today...Why you didn't want to tell her about it..Perhaps ask her to forgive you for lying, but explain how difficult this was and is for you...She will respect that....
I hope this helps..Please feel free to contact me via email if you need a sounding board, I would be more than willing to just listen, since, I do not know the reasons behind your not wanting to tell her...But in all reality, i probably do, you just haven't stated them...
All my best!!
Christina
LaGringaLocaPorFrankieRuiz
El Papa de La Salsa 1948-1998 R.I.P.
Forever in our hearts, Forever your music!!!

Answer 4

Right I am 33 and have a teenage daughter and one who is almost 12.I also put their brother up for adoption when they were 5 and 6.I have been upfront with them since they were young.I explained the reasons why I had to do this.children are very understanding.your daughter will be shocked.start by saying I have something to tell you,something that happened many years ago.tell her what your reasons are.As mothers we do not do something like this without a bloody good reason.It is better that she knows now,if she finds out later in life she will hate you.especially if he comes knocking at the door.She will probably be angry at first,but if I was you I would tell her as gently as possible.good luck

Answer 5

I would sit her down and tell her that you have to let her know something because of how much you love her. I would also tell her about her brother, and that there were a lot of reasons that you did that because you knew that he would have a better life at the time.
I believe if she is over 14 she is old enough to handle the truth. Be prepared for her wanting to find her brother at some time in her life though.

Good luck

Answer 6

First off, let me say that I am truly sorry for your heartache.

I would just sit your daughter down and tell her that you want to have a heart to heart talk with her. Let her know that what your saying isnt easy for you and that you would like for her to completely here you out. Just tell her at the time you did what you did because you felt there was no other way. Tell her your exact reasons and then allow her to ask all the questions she needs to. Good luck!!!

Answer 7

Why do you have to tell her now? Can't you wait until she is an adult? An adult can understand better. What is happening that you feel you must tell her now? Just tell someone else like a counselor. A teen cannot understand these things yet.
If you have to tell her for some reason, try to explain that you were young and you thought it was the best thing for everyone. But try not to tell her yet.

Answer 8

tell her when you think shes ready tell her why you did it cuz everyone woyuld rather hear the haarsh truth than a lie yeah lies make us feel better but they never help yes itll break her heart but maybe not as much cuz she might not know anything about him and if she never did anything w/ him then it shouldnt hurt yeah for am while she might seem like she hates you but deep down way down she hurts and she still loves you try it and see if it works just dont remind her at all of him after you tell her

Answer 9

I say don't tell her. I sense this is a selfish decision like you need absolution if she forgives you so you can forgive yourself for your actions. BUT what good would it do her? Why would she need to know? She doesn't. And she doesn't deserve to be burdened with this thought- it was your choice and your burden to bear, ALONE. Stop thinking about yourself and think about what knowing that would do to her- she might obsess about finding her, having a relaitonship with her, etc. Not your decision to make now- you made it a long time ago when you put her up for adoption and erased her from your guys's lives.

Answer 10

In Islam is forbidden for us to put our kids for adoption if we are alive and being alive that seems its a big mistake anyway I don't know the reason which made you put your kid in adoption but I wish you can inform her by telling her the truth in a way and it was out of your hand and then you will try to fix this subject with the help of her.

Answer 11

Just explain that you were young, unmarried, etc and that you made a choice that seemed best for everyone at that time. When you're 15-19, you can't predict that you'd have more children and have to explain all that to them.
Let her know you love him and think of him often.