Step-Father needs help?

Question

When my son was 6 months old, I moved in with a man who was not his father. My son is now almost 4, I am married to this man and we have another 1 year old baby together. My husband treats my 4 year old... different, and a little meanly.. saying things like " I can't take him anymore, I'm sick of him, calling him an *** or swearing at him. " My son has ADHD and is a little problematic.. just this morning my son was drawing on the table with chalk.. my husband swore at him and chased him around the house to put him in the corner. He is NOT physically abusive. How can I get him to see that my son has a problem.. and on top of that he's only 4 years old.. I'm tired of the swearing and him saying that he's sick of my son.. what should I do?

I "try" to talk about my son all the time. It ends up with him yelling about how I never punish him.. which I do, and I baby him all the time, which I don't.

It wasn't always this way, but the "older" my son gets, the worse it gets.. he thinks 4 year olds don't ever do anything bad, and that when he does something bad, he does it on purpose.

Answer 1

{{{Hugs}}} I am so sorry that you are going through this. He treats your son differently, because he thinks only his own babies are worthy of his presence. I am not optimistic about this situation. I think this is something that he will not change his mind about, and so it will be difficult for him to treat your older son in the way that he deserves to be treated; i.e., with love. It breaks my heart that some men can act so cruel! Look, he doesn't have to act like your son is his own son. All he has to do is treat him like any other human being (of that age), and act like he has a heart!

I wish I had a way of fixing it. Family counseling sounds like a great idea, if you can do that, because it would be someone else besides yourself telling him that what he is doing is wrong. He needs to hear it from as many people as possible, because right now he thinks what he is doing is within his right. In regards to tape recording: I think he knows how mean he sounds, but he doesn't care, because he thinks he's right.

Also, I think a family counselor would be able to offer him constructive and appropriate ways of dealing with the everyday hassles of life as a husband, parent, and step-parent. He needs to learn how to relate to people in a mentally healthy way. No, your son shouldn't have been writing on the table, but yelling and swearing is NOT an appropriate response from a mature adult.

The only other thing I can say is to emphasize to him over and over again that your relationship with him depends upon his ability to be a good role model in your son's life. Someone who curses at him, says he's sick of him, is someone that will be a negative influence on his life. You definitely have to put your foot down, because your son can't stick up for himself, so you'll have to do it for him. I know you love your husband, or else you wouldn't be with him, but I would definitely let him know that what he is doing is a deal breaker.

Arrange an appointment with a family counselor, and tell him that you want to do this because you love him, and this remedy is necessary for you to stay together.

Answer 2

Point out to him what he is doing and saying. Remind him he is dealing with a 4 year old that he took on as his own from 6 months on. Tell him how you feel about it and tell him you can not and will not put up with it any more. Explain to him that ADHD is a medical issue and give him your son's doctors phone number and tell him to call and get any answers and information he wants to from the doctor. Your 4 year old is very young, yet is old enough to notice if he is being treated differently and will react in a negative way like acting up more because he probably feels very hurt and does not understand why his daddy is treating him different from the baby. He has know that man as daddy since 6 months old, so to your 4 year old son, he is daddy. Talk with your husband and make him understand. It will effect your son and not in a good way. you may want to sit your son down and talk with him about a reward system, find out what he would like as a reward for being good. Like maybe a day at the park or something. Then make an agreement with him that he has to try harder to be good and control him self when he thinks about doing something he knows is wrong. You WILL have to remind him many times through out the day for a very long time. Eventually he will think before he does or says something and will most of the time choose not to do bad but to do good instead. It will just take alot of time. He is a 4 year old and he does have adhd.

Answer 3

He is mentally abusing YOUR son and that is going to cause that baby some serious problems and from the sounds of it it has already started happening. Mental abuse is far worse than physical abuse any time, I promise you that. I have been threw that with my own kids. I don't care how much you love that man, if he didn't stop treating your son that way he would have to leave. He knew before you two got together that your son had a problem and he more or less excepted that when you moved in together, now he don't, if he can't except your son, then he has the problem and not much of a man either. Don't let him damage your son any worse than he already has. He is the reason that your son is getting worse, cause all that mental abuse that baby is going threw from him. If he is that sick of your son, it is time for him to hit the road. This is making me mad to just think about he is treating that boy!!!!

Answer 4

I'm wondering if the stepfather's behavior is new since the arrival of the baby you have together or if he was always this way with the other child. That's a significant part of this equation....

Counseling, obviously, for your family. Perhaps some behavioral assistance for your son, parenting classes for you and your husband to take together, geared toward how to parent children with attention disorders and other special needs. Ask at your local social service agency, health department, hospital, counseling office, or family services agencies.

I'm hoping that if your husband had other more productive methods of parenting and disciplining that he would be less frustrated with your son's activities and consistency instead of increasing the acting out by responding this way would help all concerned.

Also, consider having an appointment with a PhD psychologist, who could explain this disorder to your husband. There are certainly discipline programs that could help you all cope better with the effects of ADHD.

Swearing at a four year old is totally out. That crap's got to stop. You're going to have the draw the line there or have DSS Child Protective Services explain to him that it's unacceptable morally as well as legally.

Answer 5

This man has issues. First of all let me say. A step parent is not the real parent and I hate it when it shows like this one does. My husband married me knowing I had 2 kids. He was very loving at first. That's what made me want to marry him. After the wedding, things changed. Now I'm sorry I did marry him. Unless you really put your foot down with him, things will continue to get worse. You are this little boys mom. No one else is there to protect him. Its your job. Unless you stop this, he will beat your son down. I don't care that its not physical. Its still abuse and you have to stop it. This is totally damaging to your son. What does it have to take? He doesn't have to agree with your parenting skills. Good or bad only you can change things and they really need changed. I know you are a good person and a good mom. You have to stop him or your son will be damaged. I know you love your son enough to do something about this situation. I'm not telling you to leave your husband but if its what it takes then do what you have to do. Good luck. I'm sorry for you.

Answer 6

Yea, thats a tough one. And a very difficult situation.
But "Springo88" has a really good idea. If you can record him without him knowing. It may open his eyes.

Alot of times, people dont realize how mean they are being. And telling him will not have near the dramatic effect of an actual recording.

On the flipside. I dont know how strict you are? Or if you were present for the alleged "chalking". But that would upset me also. I have 3 children, and 4 yrs. old, is old enough to know , you shouldnt write on the table. But "kids will be kids", reguardless of wheather they have ADHD, or not. Try to take matters into your own hands when he misbehaves, before you spouse finds out about it, if at all possible.

Answer 7

Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. I have the same problem with my 14 yr old daughter and her step-mom. If you don't take care of this now, it will escalate and your son will resent him for life or your husband will become abusive. Verbal abuse can have more of a psychological affect than physical. It sounds like your husband is not happy in the relationship. Your sons health is very important. Don't be afraid to leave you environment. Seek counseling ASAP.

Answer 8

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Answer 9

Get rid of this man. Never ever allow anyone to treat and talk badly to your son. If you keep this man around that verbally abuses your son, your son could grow up to hate you because you knew and instead of putting a screeching stop to it you allow it to continue. He's 4 years old and cannot defend himself against an adult man and depends on you for help. Don't fail your son because of this man.

Answer 10

Because the 4 year old is not of his blood, he will never treat the children the same. His baby will always be the favorite in his mind. He will need to hide his true feelings about your son in order for him to grow up happy.