What do you think?

Question

My mother in law is dying of colon and liver cancer. She's been in and out of the hospital since April of this year. I know it's starting to have an effect on her kids, one of which is my husband. He's been pretty moody lately and I feel like I am annoying him...is there anything I can do? We go to the hospital several times a week to visit her - right now she is in ICU - and I think everybody is kind of wishing she would pass away so that we no longer have to watch her be in pain. My husband was always so bubbly and fun - but now I am worried that with his mom so ill, he may change. I am also worried about the effect it will have on him towards my mom - he loves her - but will he resent her after his mom passes away and my mom is still here and healthy? His mom is 67, my mom is only 54. Sincere answers only.

Your answers have all been so kind...thank you all so much and keep them coming :)

Answer 1

Just let him be - Its quite normal for things to get chaotic and confused at this time. Especially pre the death of his mother while he is trying to process his emotions and the emotions of everyone near and dear to him. Once she passes some of the stress will be lifted and he will then need time to grieve. He will return to his old self when he's been able to move on. I think for me ,when my father died, it was when I was able to appreciate again those things I admired most about my father. Like his humour and calm strength and being able to see those things again in myself (fathers legacy). He will return to his old self, it will just take time and your love and support.

Answer 2

You must care about him very much if you have to resort to eliciting answers from complete strangers over the Internet for such a sensitive and personal subject.
My answer is this: Sit down next to him, take his hand, look him in the eyes and tell him how much you love him and how much he means to you. Then explain to him every concern that you have about this topic and let him know that you'll be there for him, no matter what.
As for the possible resentment he might feel toward your mother if and when his passes away, you can't control that. You can however, let him know that you're concerned that it might happen and that you'd rather it didn't because of how much you love the two of them and how awful a situation that would put you in.
Above all, be honest. Let him know that you understand that he's hurt, that you'll be there to support him through this and that you'll love him no matter what.
For Better or For Worse, right?

Answer 3

So sorry your family is going thru this horrible disease. It is so tough on everyone concerned. There is not much you can do but give support. As the inlaw, the family is so beaten right now that anything you do would probably annoy them.
ICU is not a fun place to be no matter how nice they try to make it for the families; the waiting for turns, seeing your loved ones already grieving, long hours you put in, trying to catch the Doctor or talk to Nurses, watching someone die. It is all a pain...
As this too shall pass, horrible w/blessings too, your darling husband will be his own bubbly self by and by.
Do not concern yourself w/what if's...you have enough to take care as it is.
The future will take care of itself. Just be a sounding board for whomever. Do the best you can by helping anyone w/children, etc...they will not forget it.

saying a prayer for you and yours.......

Answer 4

I am sorry that your husband is having to go through this. I know that it is hard to see a parent as sick as you husband's mother. I suggest that you continue to be there for your husband. He may be irratated due to the fact that you may be pushing him to talk about how he feels.

I can understand how he feels since I have dealt with cancer with my daughter. However, my daughter was a lucky one and is doing very well. Let your husband know that you are there for him with a look or a touch. He will eventually come to you to talk to you about all of this. He feels really helpless right now and it is painful to see his mother going through this.

Also you husband may be experiencing depression which is understandable since he is having to deal with the fact that his mother is dying. Keep an eye on him for additional symptoms that may be a warning for a deeper depression but don't be too worried about it since he is experiencing a normal reaction to his mother's illness. Be patient and let him know that you are there for him.

It is possible that he may later resent your mother for his mother has suffered. However, then again he may not. Suggest that maybe he and his siblings see a support group for people that have watched cancer take a loved one such as a parent. You can find such support groups through the cancer society. My prayers are with ya'll.

Answer 5

Someone is not facing the real picture or she would not be in ICU. Does your mother-in-law want further chemotherapy and treatement for her advanced cancer? Who is making her decisions.? Sounds like someone is not being very realistic. Once colon cancer invades the liver, it is pretty much terminal with an extremelly poor chance for a cure. Of course the Oncologist tells everyone "its treatable". Every kind of cancer is treatable, but not curable. Cancer doctors dont always give a clear picture of the whole thing. They can treat cancer and treat and treat and treat, but not always cure.
Most people who have terminal cancer would like to spend their last days with their family members, not in a hospital bed in ICU.
Your husband is grieving right now. His mother is dying and he deserves to grieve in his own way and in his own time. Just be supportive of him.
He is not going to resent your mother. He will probably look to her for support after his own mother passes.
Has his family thought about hospice? They are excellent with pain management and end of life care.
Good luck.

Answer 6

My husband's mother died of cancer about 2 and a half years ago. I know exactly what you're going through. There were time where I felt like he appreciated my support, and times where I felt like there wasn't anything that I could do to help him. I know that it's not much help, but it's just going to take time. As strange as it might sound, when she's gone it will be sad, but it will also be relief, if she's as sick as it sounds. It's so hard to see someone that you care about suffering.

Once everything settles down, he will be the fun person that you married again - it will just take time. If he seems like he's mad at you or unhappy with you, don't worry - he's not. He's just grieving. Just make sure to let him know that you're there for him, and he will appreciate you.

I hope the best for you and your family.

Answer 7

My father passed away from colon cancer he was in pain for along time and that disease runs deep in my family. Of course he is changing its part of lifes journey, dont expect him to be bubbly and fun at a moment like this. Thats not right. If he loves your family now that part of him houldnt change, he will probably keep the things he has a little closer. If he is moody right now just continue to be there for him which Im sure you already are. Its not you thats annoying him it is the whole situation. During this whole time taking care of your family, dont neglect yourself either!

Answer 8

I think that's just ur apprehension. Definitely, the sight of one's mom suffering from cancer will impact behaviour. It's very natural. But that doesn't mean he will change his attitude towards u or ur mom. As is evident from his behaviour, he seems to be very attached. The grief of losing her will trouble him for quite sometime. Be patient. Try to speak something comforting, if u can. Show some motherly love to him whenever he is too moody or fussy. (Gents always see their mothers as the perfect lady and so if u could be a similar person...). This is a testing time and the child within him needs ur motherly warmth.

Answer 9

Lets your husband have his grieving moment it is so hard to see someone like your mother die,he will not change and he will love your mother just the same maybe more,but now you need to stay by him and give him the best love you can give,he need you at this time ,you never know when you may need him or something may happen to someone you love so please don't judge him to much it is his mother the woman that raise him and took care of him,He will really Respect you if you just be with him and be the wife you promise to be

Answer 10

Sorry o hear your husbands mother is that shape about all you can do is be there for him no one ever knows when something will happen it will be hard for him for a long time just be supportive ,if he is that type of person he might a little but i think it will pass in time, shes not his mother so i reay wouldn't think so.