2006-07-09 23:19:16 · 30 answers · asked by sky_blue_king 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Husband signed up for an email account with wife sitting beside him.
Horny, husband typed 'penis' for his password,
Suddenly wife fell laughing when an error appeared on the screen saying "ERROR: Password not long enough."
2006-07-09 23:31:35 · answer #1 · answered by bear 3 · 14⤊ 8⤋
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I've never been drunk, but often I've been over served.
The road to success is always under construction.
I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen!
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of your time.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Born free; Taxed to death.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some people just don't have film.
Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up to.
I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and
the blinking red light.
The hardest part of skating is the ice.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; the guy who invented
the other three, he was the genius.
If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?
If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll
believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has
to touch it to be sure.
Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers)
Someday is not a day of the week
When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
2006-07-10 06:50:42 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
She says, "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.
He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
2006-07-10 06:24:57 · answer #3 · answered by ♥Gilmore♥ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There was this beautiful hooker walking by an halley, one man notice her and he put a $100 bill in her thong, a second man sees her did the same thing put $100 bill in her thong, a third man saw her, only had a credit card swift the card between her butt cheeks and took the $200 dollar bills.
Two guys are out in the woods when one guy has a heartattack. the second guy calls 911 and says "help! my friend just had a heart attack. i think he's dead. what should i do." the operater says "first we need to make sure that he's really dead." so the hunter says "okay. hang on one minute." a few seconds later the operator hears a gunshot and the hunter gets back on the phone and says "okay, now what?"
A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp it said “Wy”. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a “Wy” on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy too and the waiter said no mine says “Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day!!!”
2006-07-10 12:01:22 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
some of the people are writing " a joke" coz u told them to tell u " a joke "
by the way i don't know any jokes but i enjoyed reading all the jokes sent 2 u!
2006-07-10 09:35:20 · answer #5 · answered by vetwannabe 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks.
He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.
The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks, he doesn't notice a train coming down the tracks.
As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned it's head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated.
The moral of the story — don't lose your head over a piece of tail!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet.
It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened criminal.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their dates and rendezvous to your Visa card. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub it will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs.
Be very, very afraid.
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The Flying Condom
Why was the rubber flying through the air?
It got pissed off.
----------Difference Between Penis and Bread
Dad: Son what is the difference a penis and a loaf of bread?
Son: I don't know.
Dad: Then remind me to never send you to the store for a loaf of bread.
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Cub Shouts
A technology firm was looking for a new computer repair guy. An applicant’s resume said he was a Boy Scout leader for 10 years. The boss asked the applicant, “What makes you qualified as a computer repair guy?”
The former Boy Scout leader said, “Well, I have a lot of hands-on experience.”
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Bombs Away!
Q: Why was the suicide bomber disappointed when he met his 72 virgins?
A: He blew off his penis.
--- Pinocchio and Splinters
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your
"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
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2006-07-10 10:20:43 · answer #6 · answered by mohnish 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead decide to go huntining. After tramping through the bush for hours without spotting anything, they decide to split up. If anyone gets lost, fire a couple shots up in the air and we will find you. Sure enough, a couple hours later, the blonde finds herself lost. She fires a shot up in the air, waits 10 minutes, fires another up in the air, waits another 10 minutes. Still no one shows up. She fires a couple more shots up in the air and says, they had better hurry up, I'm running out of arrows.
2006-07-10 09:39:16 · answer #7 · answered by Bob D 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Morrie and Abe were walking along the street enjoying a good chat of how things used to be, when Morrie spots a gang of suspicious youths on the corner ahead of them, hey Abe, says Morrie , heres the £20 I owe you.
2006-07-10 16:07:39 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when
he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force
covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this
wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge
on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?"
demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by
his cover."
hehe it made me chuckle a little lol â¥
2006-07-10 07:30:16 · answer #9 · answered by mirchi girl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
3 boys about their papa:
1st one: My pop is the fastest, he is an archer, he reaches the bulleeye before the arrow.
2nd: My dad is a shooter, he reaches the bulls eye before the bullet
3rd: My dad is so fast that he reaches home at 7:35. His office closes at 8:00.
2006-07-10 06:28:15 · answer #10 · answered by goodwin 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Become the Chairman of the Bored! You'll fnd something to make you laugh eventually!
2006-07-10 06:23:09 · answer #11 · answered by poppy-dayz 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋