My mother in law has done it again!! Your opinion?

Question

I haven't talked to my mother in law in 4 months, because she is getting involved where she doesn't need to be. She has caused us great financial burdens and tears in our relationship. We are trying to heal together and I went to my first family function since December this weekend.

The first time she talks to me again, she is trying to get us to buy a house. She says to my husband and I, "I was just going to do it and surprise you."

I got mad, how dare her? She doesn't know our financial state or where we want to buy a home! It is something we would enjoy...but not to owe his family for a house we may not have wanted! And if we hadn't accepted, they would be mad at US!!

Am I wrong to be angry?!?!?!

My husband won't talk to her about it.

P.S. Imagine Ray Barone's mother Marie......

Answer 1

I don't know if you are Christians but in Genesis 2:24 the Scriptures tell us, "THEREFORE SHALL A MAN LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND SHALL CLEAVE UNTO HIS WIFE AND THEY SHALL BE ONE FLESH."
So here we are told that there has to be a LEAVING and a CLEAVING.
If your husband refuses to talk to his mother about this, then i guess he has not properly left his mother!
And he is not obeying the Scriptures as he should be CLEAVING to his wife.
So the person who needs to be telling her is your husband and he is NOT doing his duty as a husband to you if you are upset and he refuses to get involved.
His first priority is to his wife, not to his mother, and he should not allow his wife to be intimidated or upset by his mother.
If he refuses then you both need some help to deal with this situation and counseling is good. Perhaps you know an older couple who can talk things over with you.
But there is only one person who can do anything about the situation and that is your wimpish husband! Tell him to grow up and take his marital responsibilities seriously, but perhaps nicer than that! This situation can lead to a lot of stress in marriages and you are not the first, but your husband had abdicated his responsibility as head of the house, he needs to act with his Mum NOW!
I hope that you get this situation sorted.

Answer 2

So your mother in law bought a house for you? Well that was wrong of her to do so without your imput. She could have at least given you a down payment for something you wanted but it sounds to me like your mother in law always has to be the "nice" one and is a control freak. Don't move in. Sell the house and use the down payment on something you want. Tell her you appreciate the gesture but when it is a matter between husband and wife you would appreciate a little more consideration from her. If she is biblical remind her of the verse that when a man marries a women that woman becomes his family and he is to leave the house of his parents. Its hard for in laws to argue the bible. I am glad I paid attention in Sunday school.

This house is a symptom of the issue and not the issue itself is it? Your mother in law wants what SHE thinks is best for her little boy. Its hard for her to give up control but that is the way some people are. She may not realzie what she is doing but things cannot get worse if you tell her that her controlling mature is affecting your marriage and if she cannot learn to let you govern yourselves than you will seek residence elsewhere and visit during Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Answer 3

If you think your mother-in-law is the most tactless, ignorant and annoying person in the world...then you are wrong. Mine is many times more of all three mentioned. She moved in with us....separate entrance, though...and we actually get along better now...still, fact is: she hasn't changed much, but after a whole year of not seeing or communicating with each other at one point...she now knows that she can't just badmouth me anymore....and that I have a mind of my own. I took the first step back then by reminding her about her grandson (at that time we only had one) and her role as a grandmother...that she needed to be in his life. My husband is more proactive now in preventing misunderstandings and doesn't hesitate to be frank with her when needed....but back then...Oh, boy! ...Yes, he has come a long way. Halleluya! They were both so afraid to loose each other...I told my husband that clearly they had some issues ...not me...because a child/parent relationship should be unconditional...and if anyone should get real with a parent it should be the own son or daughter....I've learned to accept my mother-in-law's shortcomings, but I don't ever let her decide anything over my head. "I am the mother in this family now."..I told her once, "...and you are a grandmother. We will ask for your advice when we need it." At one point (about two years into our marriage) I was so angry about what she did or said again...I called my parents in Germany in desperation and told them to talk some sense into her....because my husband and I were constantly arguing because of her. Ever since then she doesn't ever try to manipulate my husband anymore.
Be strong...there will be better times.

Answer 4

Your mother in law should not be your enemy. You should have her eating off the palm of your hand. She should be your second or third best friend. Tell her, listen to what I just wrote TELL HER that she is not ALLOWED to make any decisions that involve or compromise your marriage. Let her know you want her in your lives and that you will share all but private matters with her. Most important is that should anything happen to her unexpectedly, you and your husband won't have regrets to live with that can harm a marriage.
No silent treatment is necessary because men need their mothers and women need their fathers. When the speaking resumes, express to her that she owes you guys an apology and then start fresh. You won't regret it.

Answer 5

Let me get this right... you got upset that someone would buy you a house, that you might not want... I'm a poor college student right now.. and if someone were telling me that they were buying me a house.. do you think my first reply would be, how dare you? .. Am i going to get upset about the location? Or what the house looks like? NOOOOO!!! I'm going to think sweet.. and if it's out of the way of where i need it to be.. I'd resale it.. if they complained about me resaling it.. I'd say wait a second? Is it my house or yours? If they are really buying you a house. It's like giving you at least what? 30 grand? minimum.. Get Over Yourself! No wonder you're having financial troubles.. did you kick EdMcmahon in the balls when he tried to give you money?

Answer 6

are you wrong to be angry... no.
Is it helpful to be angry... no.

Is it possible that she sees buying a house as a security for you? That she attaches more to having a home than you might think? ... She is obviously overbearing in how she is expressing things, and is butting in, but I can't help but wonder..... why is this important to her? Why does she want to step in?

Would you and your husband be able to step back form teh rather justified annoyance and try to find out why she wants a house for you guys? It isn't a matter of then buying one, but simply to know what is making her tick-so you can really communicate about this, and get her to back out of the areas she tries to but in to!

Just remember that you are each coming at this from different sides and that you may not be saying the same things when you talk about it... Aim for patience adn tact, and try not to let the issue drive you too crazy...

And please do let her know that you would decline any large [purchases made without your knowledge adn consent(let everyone know that! :O)

Answer 7

No, you're not wrong to be angry. All I could think is that you could talk to your husband and adamantly tell him that he needs to talk to his mother and tell her to butt out. It's one thing to be there for your son and his new wife and offering your suggestions, but it's another to still treat your son like a little boy and making decisions for him. If your husband still won't talk to her about it, then tell him you will and you tell her just how you feel about it. If she's made at you, so be it. It's just a matter of which would bug you more: your mother in law being mad at you, or you being irritated by her all your life.

Answer 8

Of course you should. The biggest part of any conflictual issue is the inability to cease the erratic behavior that started it. Your husband should really speak up as you both have the right to pursue your own decisions in regards to this issue. It should be plain stated that you appreciate the concern but you two will decide it. That is quite normal and she should be made to understand that from you two. This means you both have to be on the same page. If he can't make a solid decision with you he needs to reevaluate to whom he is married.

Answer 9

hell no its your relationship your life your money. but tell her in a nice way because she may be doing this because she was a little over protective of her boy and no that hes married and independent, he doesnt need her as much any more so she may be trying to have some kind of hold or control that she can on him. try to let him sprend more time with his mom . and for a while she may still be clingy but she may lighten up after a while just say like every saturday him and his mom go for lunch. and that way they still keep that close bond and you get some alone time. but as much as you dont want to i would try to talk to her every once and a while so that way she can see what a great woman her boy married and loves...

Answer 10

I don't know if this is going to apply to you or not, but it is obvious that this person is not going to change. Is there a way you can turn these situations around for your financial and emotional benefit? Don't jump to an answer too quickly. His mother is not going to live forever, and pardon me if this sounds cruel, but if there are any benefits you can reap through dealing with the situations she burdens you with, you are both going to sleep better at night.