How do I ask our parents to not influence our child when it comes to religion?

Question

I am 7 months pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend and I are are both Taoist. His parents are Lutheran and my father and his wife are southern baptist to an extreme pushy level... We want our daughter to be able to make up her own mind about religion without early influence from either of our parents or anywhere at that. My dad makes my sister's kids pray before dinner and if they dont, they don't eat, which I strongly disagree with. I don't want to put down relgion it is just not for us and may not be for our child either. How do I ask them to leave thier beliefs out of the time they spend with our child?

Please don't preach to me. It just wastes my time having to read your answer and wastes your time having to type it out.

Answer 1

I totally understand what you're after and what a difficult position you're in with regard to the grandparents. First of all, you don't have to worry about their influence for a few years, until your child becomes old enough to communicate. It's probably not a good idea to begin this conflict any sooner than necessary.

It might just be easier to explain to your child at the right time that many people have different beliefs and that his/her grandparents feel very strongly about theirs. Your child should try to be respectful but does not have to believe this way if he/she doesn't want to. If there are repercussions such as not eating dinner if a prayer isn't followed, then you must speak to your dad about not forcing any rituals on children who don't understand. Depending on how much time your child will need to spend alone with the grandparents will determine how much this issue needs to be resolved. If it's not often, then just take this opportunity to let the child experience their grandparents' views on religion and discuss it with him/her afterwards. If the child has to spend a lot of time with them, then you all must come to an agreement that suits everyone.

Your example of how you handle this situation will make a lasting impression on your child and will be the biggest factor in this part of their upbringing, no matter what the grandparents do. You'll probably have to deal with other religious pressures in many other facets of your life, but keep steady and you'll win out in the end! Good luck to you with your new baby and life!

Answer 2

I am a Christian, and a grandmother and I totally agree with the fact that you are the parents and you have the right to raise your children the way you see fit. It will be hard to ask the grandparents not to pray in front of your child, but you could ask them not to make your child do it or not to influence her by pushing their beliefs on her. Different beliefs in a family can cause a lot of turmoil. Try your best to sit down with them right away and tell them where the line is that you will not allow them to cross and also be fair in the fact that they are Christian and they have their right to pray before they eat, even in front of your child as long as it is silent. Good luck and congratulations!

I have to say I was raised in a family similar to how your child will be raised. It can be done.

Answer 3

I agree that you have every right to teach your child whatever you believe. The problem I see is that your child will be living in a world full of people who might believe differently from you. To expect that nobody will influence your child is naive. You can not expect other people to set aside their beliefs when they are around your child. Do you set aside your Taoist beliefs when you visit them? Of course not. When a question of religion comes up, all you have to do when your child asks about something your parents said is tell him or her, "That's what Grandpa believes, but Daddy and I believe______. As far as the praying before meals, that's just a matter of being polite as a guest in someone's home. If they are saying grace, just instruct your child to bow his/her head and think happy thoughts. It won't hurt your child, but teach him/her to respect others.

Answer 4

Ok honestly? That is SO stupid the way people say to "teach him/her about all religions and let them decide for themselves". Come on! Do you people honestly teach your child every religion? Heck no! You take them to church (or whatever) and you teach them what YOU want them to believe. We're not Christian, either, but both of our families are and yes it gets very annoying at times. But we don't live near them and we also never allow our kids to spend the wknd w/them alone or whatever cuz we know they'll end up taking them to church and etc... The only way you're going to be able to deal w/it is if you're FIRM and put your foot down or they will continue to do it in front of you as well as behind your back. I've said to people before that "You have your kids and you can raise them any way that you want to, these are my kids and I will raise them they way that I want to".

Answer 5

Before your child is born, I think that it would benefit you to sit down and discuss your feelings with all grandparents about your expectations as it relates to your child. Please do not beat around the bushes in this matter because it will lead to misunderstanding and confusion. You need to be clear and precise about what you want and don't want your child to be exposed to. Tell them directly that you wish for religious matters to not be discussed in front of your child because you want your child to grow up and discover his/her own religious beliefs. I hope that this helps b/c i know how difficult situations like this can be. Take care and i hope that everything works out for the best.

Answer 6

We have a similar issue with my in-laws. My husband and I are both Catholic and we have had our son baptized Catholic however, we want him to be able to choose later on what he wants to do. I myself left the Catholic Church for many years to 'explore'.
The problem is that my husbands parents are Jehovah Witness'. They are actually religious for convenience as they will go to a birthday party or Christmas party for the free food but will not participate with gifts etc. (We actually didn't invite them to our son's 1st birthday party as they said they would come but not bring a gift) Anyone who knows about the JW faith knows that it is part of their job to 'preach' to outsiders and try and get them to convert. The believe they are the world's only 'real Christians'.
Up until his baptism I did not think we were going to have problems with their take on Religion until my mother in law told me that Jesus was not baptized until he was 14 and our son shouldn't be.
Once your child is here you will have no problem voicing your opinion to them if they try and interfere. That baby will become your life (as I am sure he already is), but you would protect him from anything you see as not being acceptable for him. Trust me...I have a lot more nerve than I use to! Good Luck!

Answer 7

If you don't push your beliefs on them, its only fair that they don't push theirs on you. Before the birth, I'd suggest sitting down with all of them and saying that you love them all, but you don't want religion pushed on your child. If you are there at their house and they try to push prayer at dinner or anything else, you'll get up and leave. We pray at every meal, but there are some places we don't out of respect for who's house we are in. If they are uncomfortable with our praying, I just skip it. It confuses the kids a bit, but its not our house. I know they are your parents, but you both are now grown adults. You deserve the right to make your own choices about how you raise your kids. If they cannot respect that, then don't eat meals at their houses. Make it very clear to them that you'll not just sit there and take it. If they go preeching to you or the baby, get up, gather your things, and leave. Its one thing to preech, its another to shove things down someone's throat when they don't want it!

Answer 8

No dinner without prayer? Wow, that is rather pushy. Since you probably can't completely keep their world away from your daughter, while she's growing up keep her familiar with your beliefs as well as theirs, and show her that it's okay for people to be different, and think differently. That'd probably most help her to come to her own conclusions. Best of luck and Congrats!

Answer 9

You have to remember that this is YOUR child, and if you have to put your foot down with your parents, then this is what you have to do. Sit them down and explain it to them. If they are upset about it, they will get over it eventually hopefully.

I was born and raised Catholic, and my daughter used to spend alot of time with my mom who had her praying and singing religious songs all the time.

Today, she's a teen, and she's undecided as to what she thinks, feels and believes in when it comes to religion, and I don't push it on her.

When your child is old enough and has a mind of his/her own, they WILL make their own decision as to what they believe in.

Good Luck :)

Answer 10

First of all, let me congratulate you for your decision on letting your child decide about religion on its own; my parents did the same and I'm grateful! Anyway, I guess you have to make it perfectly clear to your parents that raising YOUR child is YOUR issue and nobody is welcome to interfere in any way. From what you said about your dad being so fanatic about praying etc, I don't think there's a point to explain it any further. Just put your limits.