Do you think it matters if your 10 year old understands your reasons for your rules?

Question

Should I just lay down the law and say it's because I say so because she has to listen anyway, or should I try to get her to understand my reasoning? If I try to reason with her then what if she doesn't understand,or disagrees then what? Does that mean she has a say so as to whether or not she can do it or not?

Because I think if she understood the rules she would respect me more than if it were to seem like I'm just making up a bunch of stupid rules she has to follow no matter what.

Answer 1

An important life skill you must teach your child is to respect the authority of a position. Neither you or I agree completely with the authority figures in our lives (a boss, law enforcement, etc.) but we have learned to respect and comply to their rules.

It is critically important that your daughter learn to respect you and your position at an early age. You will need this respect to help guide here through the teen years -- you have not yet began to encounter disagreement.

Few 10 year olds have entered the stage of reasoning. In classical greek education students were introduced reasoning during their early and mid-teens. The reason -- this is when they are ready for arguing and reasoning.

Explain your reasons to your daughter. I have followed this pattern with all of our children. Learn the phrase "I understand" when your daughter tells you why you are irrational. In the end, tell your daughter that it is your responsiblity to make decisions. Also tell her that you love here too much not to act as a responsible mother.

Gain your daughter's respect -- you will gain her love (and like) this way and raise a fine your woman.

Answer 2

She should have some idea on SOME issues, the non-mandatory rules. Soon she will be at an age, sooner than you might like, where you will have to give her some input. If you set the ground rules now as to what may & may not be discussed, it will make it easier to negotiate with her when she is 13 & 14. For instance, safety rules are mandatory, no discussion. Rules about bedtime, or TV before or after homework, can be discussed. At this point, you can still say, "I'm sorry if you disagree, but I'm the Mom". In a few years, you will have to start agreeing on the rules, so it is best that YOU start to get used to that now.

Answer 3

A smart child will ask why. And the answer should never be "because I said so." When you give a child reason to a rule, then they are more apt to abide by the rules, even when you're not around.

If she disagrees, listen to her reasons. If they're only "well I don't want to listen" - then you need to reiterate the reaons why you have the rules in the first place.

For instance, bed time is a certain time, because otherwise they're difficult to get up. Bedrooms must be clean, otherwise no one will ever be able to find anything - not to mention friends won't want to come over to play. We stay buckled up in the car, because it is the law. And the reason why its the law - is because if people aren't buckled up, they will get very hurt in a crash or die. They're not allowed to ride their bikes anywhere but in front of the houses in my immediate neighborhood, because there could be child molesters in the area who might think that my kids are cute.

I have always given my 5 children reasoning for the rules. As I try to be a good parent, I don't have rules that are just silly. Granted, my parents had some that were completely ridiculous (eat all your vegetables before you eat your fruit, and fruit is a dessert) - I have learned through time to stay strong on the ones that are most important.

And now, that my son is 13, and I have more fears such as dating, smoking, drugs, and beer - I have let him know sincerely my stances on them, and because he respects my reasonings, and me - he's more apt to continue to be a good boy. And has not yet called me paranoid.

Because, most importantly, my children know that I love them, and only wish for them to be safe & happy.

Answer 4

Even very young children know if something is a good thing or a bad thing. They may not understand the reasoning for something but in many cases they are aware if they do something wrong.A child is too young to make some decisions and as the parent you are responsible for laying the groundrules,not her.A family is not a democracy.When children feel bad when they are disciplined , they are supposed to, they were caught doing something they know they shouldn't do.You can involve the child in a dicussion and ask how some situations could be handled but you have the ultimate say.I do believe that children should be allowed to make some decisions so they will learn how to make good choices.

Answer 5

I have a 12 year old and have been raising her to never just blindly accept "Because I said so!" from anyone so that when she is an adult she (hopefully) will be less likely to be taken advantage of. I have always explained my reasoning to her in an age appropriate manner. I have also always listened to what she has to say on the matter as well. Most of the time she can see my point of view and sometimes she doesn't. And yes, sometimes she has raised good points of her own and I have changed my mind. I think it makes for a good start to communication between the 2 of us that will be very valuable as she gets further into her teen years. She knows that I will always listen to what she has to say and not ABUSE my power as her mother . Just because you explain your reasons does not mean that you are weak or inconsistent, to me it shows them that you respect them as human beings. Also explaining my reasons for making something a stead fast rule saves me the grief of having to keep saying "because I said so!!"

Answer 6

I think with a 10yo you can work on them understanding WHY the rules are in place and even create them together best done before a situation arises.

The time NOT to have to cowtow to them is at a point of conflict when an understandable 'because i say so' is probably more than called for.

Answer 7

I think it's important, but it's not the most important thing.
By the time a kid is 10 years old she should be able to understand the basic reasons behind your rules, but at the same time you should teach her that she isn't always going to understand your rules, but that doesn't excuse her from following them.
part of being a repsonsible adult will be following the rules even when she doesn't agree with them or understand them fully.

Answer 8

I think it is always good to explain the reasoning behind the rules ... even if sometimes it is not detailed (i.e. ... I wont let you go out alone because its not safe) ...and if she can comprehend the reasoning that is great, and even better if she can agree.

However.... the bottom line is, you are the parent, you are the responsible one, and you are the one with the experience and wisdom, and YOU are the one in charge of making rules for her own well-being.

So, regardless of anything else, when needed, you just say that ... it is your responsibility to make rules and teach her and keep her safe and that is what you are doing. Period.

Answer 9

i think that it's nice to try and have them understand your reasoning. the issue you will have is that the kid is 10. a 10 year old does not have the capacity to understand adult reasoning. but at least try. if anything, put it into a hypothetical thing that a 10 year old would get.

Answer 10

i learned in a psychology class that reasoning with a child is pretty pointless. tell her why you make the rule and thats as far as it needs you go. you can listen to what she has to say but she needs to understand what you say goes regardless.