I'm not saying that I HATE my stepchild, I just can't seem to open my heart to her. She only lives with me and my husband two weeks out of the month (every other week) and I seem to dred the weeks she is with us. I know my husband loves her and I understand that but I cant' seem to. I'm not saying that I want all of his love and for him to neglect her I just don't know why I can't love her.
2006-07-09 13:40:38 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Love takes time, but just be nice to her. Be fair. Be friendly as much as you can. If you need to keep your distance, just tell your hubby it is his time with her, that he will understand.....Just don't ever let that baby hear you say you don't love her.
2006-07-09 13:46:33 · answer #1 · answered by Boo 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I understand exactly what you are saying and no, you don't need therapy, like some others have suggested.
Of course you don't hate her. But, think of it this way. She doesn't love you either. In fact, she may have some animosity toward you. You are the one who is now married to her dad and you are not her mother.
This is a very difficult situation for both of you. You both love the same person. She loves her father and you love your husband. Ergo, you think, you should love each other.
This is just not the way it is.
It is going to take time to even get to know each other, to see if you can even get along or like each other.
As you are the adult, however, it is your responsibility to reach out to her and try to get to know her. I know that doesn't seem fair, but its true.
I don't know how old your step daughter is, but next time she comes over, try and have something planned that just the two of you can go do for the day. If she is in her teens, maybe you can go get a manicure together and some lunch or ask her what she would enjoy doing. Try to bond with her and just start trying to build a friendship based on respect for each other, if only for the fact that you have one very important thing in common, her father and your husband.
If she is mature enough and you are a saint (HA HA, just kidding), you can at least start to build respect for each other that can, hopefully turn into a friendship that will, hopefully, lead to love.
And, I would just like to add that it is really refreshing that you are so honest about this b/c, I think it means you are off to a better start than you already think.
2006-07-09 14:24:08 · answer #2 · answered by Just a Girl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As long as you treat the child with respect, thoughtfulness, kindness, and warmth, that should be adequate. Love isn't a lightswitch that you turn on and off. Stop beating up on yourself over this, and you will dred her visits less.
For the weeks the child is at your home, start planning some special activity for YOU, something that does NOT include your husband or his daughter. That will give father and daughter some time alone together, and you give you a break.
2006-07-09 13:50:49 · answer #3 · answered by kill_yr_television 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Love takes time. I'd watch out for dredding her visits-- that could quickly become a problem in your marriage. Start by getting to know her and figure out how to build a relationship with her. It doesn't have to grow to love, but respecting her and the place she holds in your husband's heart and your life is important.
2006-07-09 13:55:50 · answer #4 · answered by Lucybelle 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It takes time. Just be her adult friend for now and don't worry about if you love her or not. You may love her as you get to know her and spend more time with her. Don't make a big issue of this unless there are more serious problems going on as well.
Is there something that she does or does not do that gets to you? You should try to resolve that. However, she is your husband's child and a big part of his life. Even if you don't love her, you need to respect that and not be hurtful. If you can't do that, you may need to get some counseling and re-evaluate your marriage.
2006-07-09 13:52:36 · answer #5 · answered by curiouschick18 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How is your stepchild responding to you? Does she seem to like you and respect you? Or does she act resentful to you because you're a threat to her "real" mom? Not enough information to discuss intelligently or meaningfully. You may want to seek some professional counseling as to how best to deal with your feelings and those of your stepdaughter. This, I gather, is a serious issue for you and deserves a serious approach. Best wishes.
2006-07-09 13:52:11 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Give the child a chance to worm her way into your heart. It is not easy being the stepchild and she has a lot of emotional baggage to deal with. If you can;t love her then maybe you will become fond of her.
2006-07-09 13:43:46 · answer #7 · answered by Proud to be an American 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No it not a bad thing ,I have 3 stepchildren and I use to dread the weekend when they came.always felt like it was a composition.to see who could get there Dads attention.i had 2 of my own children that lived with us all the time.that made it worse.just let her go she will grow up some day mine did now we are one big happy family,stepdaughter use to alway tell me I would never be her mother.she said that one day and Iasked her who said I wanted you for a daughter today we are very close.
2006-07-09 14:20:35 · answer #8 · answered by Mammy59 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds as though you don't have much of a relationship built with her. Under these circumstances, it is very normal not to love her. Relationships take time. It is also very likely that she doesn't love you. The truth is that neither one of you has to love each other. As long as you can be cordial and respectful of one another maybe that's the best you can ask for. As long as you aren't expecting her to give more to the relationship than you are and as long as you aren't interfering in her relationship with her father, maybe just let it be.
2006-07-09 13:48:26 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well my step-daughter used to come from out of state to visit us every summer for 3 weeks...
I always made sure we had a list of things to do and places to go and enough money saved to buy her things like souvenirs from places we went and treats and fun things...
I tried to make life so pleasant, that she would go home thinking, that was fun, I can't wait till next time...
I wanted her to tell her mom that she had a good time with us and she wanted a return trip soon...
I washed her clothes, bought her new ones, took her to theme parks, went on picnics, bought her toys, ate out at nice restaurants, took her to movies, and did anything and everything for her...
Sorry to say with all my efforts, it never worked on her cause her mom hated us so much that she deliberately sabotaged our relationship when the child went home again...
So no matter what you do, my best advice is to always be in the right...
Make sure you do no wrong in her eyes and make her memories good ones, in case the mother trys to ruin it for you...
2006-07-09 13:58:52 · answer #10 · answered by aspenkdp2003 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am in your shoes.. I feel the same way with my Step daughter. I have a daughter of my own and that makes things maybe a little bit easier when she visits.. I am not jealous at all either of the attention she gets from her father. I just feel something is not right with me when she is around and I can't place it. I feel like I am the bad person because I can't express how I am truly feeling when she is with us. It is very frustrating........
2006-07-12 12:30:15 · answer #11 · answered by Deb 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋