Should I stay in the relationship?

Question

I have been dating this women for the past nine months. When we first started dating she was married.Since then she has filed for divorce but, has not completed it. Her husband has tried everything to break us up from accusing me of being a sex offender to having multiple wives. His latest is telling her he will go for full custody if she continues to date me and will take her kids away from her. His accusations have caused her to have doubts about who is telling the truth. I love her very much and would like to stop him from continuing his onslaught of internet searches and private investigators. Is the relationship worth the toll ?

Answer 1

all you can do is ask yourself if it is worth the hassle.if you love her and she returns that love, then only time can allow her to know that your intentions are true and that her ex-hubby is just trying to discredit you and ruin what the two of you have.there is probably nothing that can be done to stop his searches and inquireies.

Answer 2

He needs to get more honest about what really happened. Clarification exercises for Sexual Offenders

Clarification help’s the offender understand the damage he created and to accept full responsibility for his offense. Clarification can be done formally but more importantly is part of the ongoing process where the disorder wants to project responsibility outward and discount the consequences to others and the role of treatment is to correct these inaccuracies and help the offender not reoffend.


Goal of Clarification: The offender will be able to sincerely explain

He created a victim by committing the offense. All the offending and build up behaviors are clearly defined as wrong with no minimization or distortion.

No other persons had a role in the creation of the offense, not his wife, not his boss, and not society. The offender has 100% responsibility. The offenders will not defend their offense by focusing on the behaviors of others.

The offense as the victim reported , with no minimization of physical intrusiveness, force, duration, or frequency.

The emotional, physical and psychological trauma done to the victim, victim’s family, victim’s friends, and professionals (i.e.: secondary victimization of police, therapists, prosecutors, and CPS workers who have exposure to the toxic event via the offender, victim or case material)

The systems/communities response to the crime was fully justified, the offender is not a victim of any police DA’s, society, probation, lawyers, act.

The cognitive, behavioral and emotional states which lead to the offense

What occurred before an offense, like “grooming” (manipulation, trickery, bribes) and leverage (threats, coercion, force), abuses of power/authority/trust.

History of deviant thinking, fantasy, behavior.

Why the victim (as opposed to other potential victims) was chosen by the offender

The emotional and psychological wants the offender was attempting to obtain through the offense.

Identification of appropriate alternative behaviors to replace the offense.

Effects on the victim including future harm to sexuality, relationships, values, trust, educational and work achievement.

Any current retaliation fantasies against victim, victims parents, those who reported abuse, ex-wife, CPS, probation officer, Judge, prosecutor- and how these show displacement of responsibility for the consequences of his behavior.

Any substance abuse issues, like need for abstinence, meetings, ect

How the offender lied to, manipulated, and abused other individuals in a non-sexual manner to achieve the offense.

Answer 3

Nothing against anyone - but Ive always been taught Finish ONE situation before you begin another. I believe until she has freed herself from her past she will forever be haunted by it. Obiviously his words have a certain power over her that yours dont???? Maybe she's scared of him - or still intimidated by him - either way - she needs to finish what she started (the divorce) and - FROM EXPERIENCE - thats probably the ONLY way she will "let go" so to speak. As for if the relationship is worth it or not.... well, like everyone has said its up to you - I actually was in the SAME situation with the man I am married to now - but he didnt let me just take my time with the divorce and settling things either - he would ask me how it was coming - if I was close - and ask me if I needed help - stuff like that to keep me aware - in his eyes the longer it took me the more he thought I was trying to hold on to it... and I agree with him - just some things to think about - GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 4

Those are some pretty serious strong things he's saying about you. And may I ask why would he accuse u of being a sex offender? How does he know these things?


U never said u were guilty or Innocent of the things he's accusing you of.


But if you and her really want to be together as a couple then the things he's saying shouldn't block you and her from being together. If any of the things he's saying is not ture then u should get a lawyer on him

Answer 5

I have been with my partner for the last 4 years. At first I thought he was not married and of course I didn t bother to ask, but then find out he is married, but has been separated from her for many many years, so he said. From day one our relationship was great, but recently has started to crumble. I have asked him to leave before and he has left, but because I love him so much and he says he loves me, we tried again. My problem is that we have spoken about marriage and even started the plans, as he had filed for divorce but supposedly the lawyer has not come through, its been 2 years, and I have had to disappoint many people. The other night I was speaking to my Father about getting married and my partner just stayed quiet never said I will push harder or I m real committed. I cry because I feel myself hating him, this man no longer is loving, affectionate. He had some drinks yesterday and it turned to getting drunk, he fell asleep while my family was still here and when I tried to get him to get under covers to be more comfortable, he says I m fine and by the time I came to bed he was in same position except with a pillow between us and didn t snuggle up to me like we normally do. So I give him space and try not to say much but I feel like its hurting us. Feeling Lost!!

Answer 6

Well if you having to ask strangers then your probably wanting a way out your self maybe you should ask your self do you value her and her children ,do you even want the responsibility of kids and you ll have to deal with this man for the kids whole life he will always be on the side weather he gets the help he needs or not but really what you need to look at is the big picture "they are still married " and dose she value you well i hope that you get this worked out and you can move on in you life in a positive way

Answer 7

Well, Paul, here lies the rub...You and only you can know if it's worth the effort in maintaining the relationship.

My questions to you is this...If she wants to be with you, and not with him, why does she listen to and believe what he says?
Why has she not finished the paperwork for her divorce?
These are questions you need answers to in order to make an informed decision.

You are clearly the "other" man here (Having been dating her while she was married) and you are the only one who can decide when is too much for this investment. Know what you want, so you can find out if you both want the same things.
Good luck.

Answer 8

if your are in fact NOT a sex offender as accused then yes it is worth pursue. the husband sounds like he still has some possession issues with his wife and kids. he is afraid of being replaced. this is a fear most men go through. some more than others and some go to the extreme. he appears to be the latter. there must also be reason for the wife not to have gone ahead with her divorce. sounds like she is scared of her husband and his threats. please get a lawyer and possibly get child welfare in on any discussion. it will not hurt to get them on your side.

Answer 9

You are really the only one that can answer your own question! If you really do love her you will mind your own business until she is free to see you. Let her get her divorce and stay away until she does! Stop causing her all this turnoil in her life. Show her a little consideration and have a little respect!

Answer 10

Well there is lots more to know, but basically, if she cant trust you, and your word your relationship is destined to fail in my opinion...I also think you two should separate until several weeks or months after the divorce is final.