Any good jokes?

Question

Don't just say no.

Answer 1

Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
------------------------------...
The Good Napkins

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
------------------------------...
A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a
little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw
three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
>>The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this
Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but
represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree
and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd,
which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
------------------------------...
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.




St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Answer 2

A man walks into a bar...and says Ouch! No that's not my joke. This is my joke.

A man goes into a bar and orders a drink. After he gets his drink, he starts to look around. He's surprised to see a donkey sitting in a corner. The man asks the bartender, "what is a donkey doing here?"
The bartender replies, "It's a contest. If you make the donkey laugh, you get $500."
"Really?" the man askes, "Okay."
The man gets up and goes to the donkey. He whispers in the donkey's ear. After a couple of seconds the donkey start chuckling, then it just starts straight out rolling on the ground laughing. The man walks back to his seat and collects his $500 from a wide-eyed bartender. After that, the man goes on drinking. Two hours later, the donkey is still laughing his *** ( get it ***) off. By this time the bartender is getting annoyed with the laughing. He says to the man, "I'll give you double what you just got for making the donkey laugh if you make him...i donno...cry."
"Okay!" says the man, and he walks over to the donkey. He pulls out a picture and shows it to the donkey. The donkey slowly stops laughing and begins to cry. The man walks back to the bar and collects $1000. The bartender is dumbstruck. After awhile he says to the man, "I don't know how you do it....how do you do it?"
The man replies, "Simple. To make him laugh, I told him my penis was bigger than his. And to make him cry...I PROVED IT."

(go ahead laugh. You know u want to.)

Answer 3

The Parrot Boy

An old man is sitting on a bench in central park when a teenager with a rainbow hair-dyed mohawk spiked up like a punk rocker and a nose ring sits down next to him.

The man begins to stare at him for a long time in shock.

Then the teenager says, "What you looking at old man?"

The man replys, "Nothing, nothing."

Again the man begins to stare at him for a long time and the teen says, "What's your problem, old man, you never did anything crazy when you were a kid?"

The old man replies, "Yeah, the thing is when I was a teen I got real, real drunk and f_u_c_k_e_d a parrot, and I was thinking that you might be my son."

Answer 4

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.
One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, -
"A long time. We're gonna build a house..."

Answer 5

Why does Micheal jackson like 38 year olds? Cuz theres 30 of them.

Answer 6

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman" she ever was.
--Caught Eminem fantasizing about killing other women.

--Sick of hiding her love for the Insane Clown Posse.

--Sure, he talks and raps like a black man, but when he takes down his pants...

--Would rather end up like Nicole Kidman than Nicole SIMPSON.

--Overheard 5-year-old daughter shouting, "Fa.gg.ot!" while watching "Mr. Rogers".

--Recently overtaken by a strange and unfamiliar compulsion to live past the age of 35.

--I mean come on, people. . . the dude LOST TO STEELY DAN!!!

--Thanks to a recent surgery, her head's no longer implanted deep within her own rectum.

...And The Top Reason Eminem's Wife Filed For Divorce. . .

--Sick of dating a rich, famous, abusive bastard. Would like to try a poor, unknown abusive bastard for a change.

Answer 7

haha properly good i have been given a sex shaggy dog tale for you desire you want it :) on listening to that her grandad had purely died kate went and visited her nan to convenience her even as she requested how he died her nan replyed by technique of sayin that he had had a heart attack even as makin love 2 her kate stated that it became stupid that 2 previous human beings the position havin sex because it became askin for difficulty her nan replyed by technique of sayin that they used to do it to the sluggish %. of the church bells because it became purely the right p.c. she then wiped a tear from her eye and carryed on by technique of sayin''if that dahmed ice cream van hadnt come alongside he may nevertheless be alive today'' :) xxx

Answer 8

What did one saggy boob say to the other?.... "We better quit hanging around here or their gonna think we're nuts!"

Answer 9

no


funny ??