funniest joke ever?

Question

i will give 10 points to the funniest one

easy ten points for a jokester

if i heard it befor i wont vote it best be original

so far tiffany is winning unless someone can top her

Answer 1

let me know if you already heard this one.........

Doctor Dan had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dan, don't cry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, Whispering:

Dan.............

Dan.............

Dan.............

You're a veterinarian."

Answer 2

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a
little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw
three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
>>The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this
Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but
represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree
and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd,
which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"

Answer 3

What I Want in a Man


Original List


1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover




Revised List (age 32)


1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week



Revised List (age 42)


1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends






Revised List (age 52)


1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends




Revised List (age 62)


1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend





Revised List (age 72)


1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Answer 4

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist and The Fourth man was a Government Employee.

--To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better, He called his cat and said , "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.....Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better, He called his cat and said...."Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
---Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
---The Government Employee called his cat and said...."CoffeeBreak...do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet...ATE THE COOKIES.....DRANK THE MILK....POOPED ON THE PAPER.....SCREWED THE OTHER THREE CATS.....claimed he INJURED his back while doing so.....filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions....put in for WORKER COMPENSATION.....and went home for the rest of the day on SICK LEAVE.

Answer 5

I know you've probably heard this a million times but what the heck

There was a lady walking along the rail road saying 98...98...98...98
every time she took a step 98...98...98 she was doing that when
this blond came along and said can I play to the lady said (sure
I guess) so there going along saying 98...98...98... when this train
comes along on the track but there still going 98...98...100 feet
98...98...98...43 feet 98...98 30 feet 98... it comes and at the last
second the lady jumps out of the way and it hits the blond. She
gets back on the track and starts going 99...99...99...

Answer 6

This is your Captain

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge t_i_t_s out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."


Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot 's talking about.


Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a s_h_i_t first."

Answer 7

A guy is speeding as a police officer pulls him over. The cop walked up to the car and said "look, I am off duty in a few minutes and I wont write you a ticket if you give me an excuse I haven't heard before" so the guy in the car responds with "Sorry officer, my wife left me last week for a police officer and I thought it was you trying to return her." The officer let the guy go with just a warning. lol.

Answer 8

About Little Mary



Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually
she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell
me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in
the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and
Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?" but
Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.


Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and
Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say
to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up
and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll
break it in half!"

The Teacher fainted.

Answer 9

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ’the
prison’ and call my private thing ’the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Answer 10

an old couple in a nursing home have been flirting for some time now. One day they decide to meet up in a brrom closet for a bit of hanky panky.

They get into the closet and start getting undressed when they woman decides she'd better warn him of her heart condition.

She said ohhh Fred, before we start I must warn you I have acute angina

Fred said that's good, cos those are the ugliest breasts I have ever seen!!

Answer 11

Kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
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A woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: "what in the world are you doing?"

the daughter replied, "mom, i'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

the next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said,

"dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

a couple of days later the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen table and heard a buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I’m watching football with my son-in-law."
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What did the fish say when it swam into the cement wall....


dam!
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Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, we'll consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh!t."