How would you feel if your 17 yo daughter...?

Question

Background: Last year, Jr year for my daughter, who skipped a grade early on and thus seemed immature to her classmates, was in band, and excelled and was a band officer. She was also in ROTC, and had a high rank of Squadron Commander, which means when all the ROTC marched in front of the school, she marched alone!!! She was also the Commander for the jr varsity drill team, and was chosen to be on the varsity drill team for senior year -- she was good! She won an award at the end of the year for Daughters of the American Revolution. Instruments in band? Trumpet for three years and switched to mellophone for marching band and French horn for symphonic band. She earned a Superior rating on her first French horn performance, and it is played with the left hand! And her grades have always been great, in spite of being busy.

So, how would you feel when after Senior year and a huge Senioritis attack, she flunked? Yes, this perfect girl flunked. She's in summer school now.

I did not choose one thing she chose for herself... her father and I let her choose. She chose to be in band AND in ROTC. I never once pressured her for any of it. I never even had to tell her to go to bed! It was all her choice!

I have also NOT once yelled at her or scolded her. She knows it upset me, so there was nothing to say. I did NOT over-react, either. I was very calm... still am. BUT, I wanted to know how YOU would feel. So many good, supportive answers, thank you so much.

Answer 1

I would feel that she has short comings just like anyone. I would try to bolster her confidence and help her as much as I can. She's not perfect, no one is. It could be that the incessant labeling of being perfect, made her either question her own ability or want to rebel against the image foisted upon her.

Answer 2

I would feel great and she should too, if she was perfect all the time she would get her feelings hurt later on down the line when she was much older and probably would not know how to handle it hopefully she is handling this well, a lot of children her age wont be able to handle all of that responsibility that she has been handling thus far, so maybe this is a wake up call for her to let her know she can make mistakes and also she is only 17 years old and she does have alot of years ahead of her she is doing well and you should be proud of her. I have a 17 year old daughter she just graduated from high school and I am so proud of her and all she did was graduated.

Answer 3

I skipped a grade in school too and graduated when I was 16, I turned 17 five months after my graduation. Starting college at that age was really hard plus my parents had the no dating till your 16 rule ...sooo that meant I was pretty much a social outcast because it was my senior year and I couldn't date or go out with my friends. Being a brain and is hard work and can really take a toll on the ego a young girl. I dropped out of my first year of college because I just didn't fit in anywhere and it is tough to make friends with people who are 18 and older when your just a kid who should be in high school. Look at this as a blessing ... I went back to college when I was turning 19 and did wonderfully after that. Don't be discouraged she most likely just needed to find herself and her place.

Answer 4

Oh dear sometimes these things just happen.
They creep up on U & usually the worse sort.

Sit yourselves down the pair of U & have a long, long chat.
C if U can both find out where it went wrong.
Either agree 2 disagree or work-out a plan 2 put right where U went, or where think U went wrong.
Deep sigh, big cuddle & look 4ward 2 the future & let it go.
Couple of years time U'll both look back & hopefully find parts of the whole experience funny.
Well I hope so, life's 2 short 2 dwell on things.

Answer 5

Your daughter seems like an awesome kid- smart, great time manager, very talented!!

A lot of times there are about 4 bazillion possible reasons for the way people act...
This thing with your daughter-

*She may be afraid of the "unknown"-graduation and the loss of structure, moving out, college.
She may benefit from a self-exploration, find out what she wants, allow her to make a plan of action. Having a plan may help comfort her fear.

*She may be overloaded with the regimental quality of her extra-curricular activities..
Maybe she would benefit from a year off, explore the fun side of herself, develop a more balanced life. She may need to get to know who SHE is and what SHE wants, independant of others' perceptions- including Mom's and Dad's.

*She may be a perfectionist- feeling a need to be the epitome- patriotism, music, etc..
Counseling may be an option- help her accept her own human-ness and imperfection, that it's ok to not place first every time. It's ok to say no to some things. It's ok to focus on herself sometimes, it's ok to take time off and play, have fun.

*She may have been reacting to my (as her mom) pushiness- I may have pushed her too hard, and now she's bucking.
Was I too pushy- a stage mom? Did I get too focused on her performing, and forget that she's my daughter, not just a member of the band, not just a young ROTC participant...

*She may have developed a need to express her individuality and independance.
Try a volunteer program. A lot of places would love a smart talented kid like your daughter... the local nursing home, homeless shelter, grade school, etc.

*Does/did she have a boyfriend?
Something may have happened there that has caused her huge stress. Maybe he was pushy or abusive in their relationship. Maybe he just dumped her and she's broken-hearted. Teens are, by nature, pretty melodramatic, and this is a possibility.

*Drugs?
Scary, I know- If this is the case- GET HER HELP!!


I'm tempted to suggest a road-trip. Find out why she is feeling the way she is, get to know your daughter- what she likes to do, what her pet peeves are, what she "wants to do when she grows up", how she feels about boys and her activities, what kind of music she likes.

Have her "navigate" for the driver (Mom or Dad), and just talk... Mom and Dad would need to just listen, non-judgmental, curious, caring, etc. If she says something that is a shock-your-sox-off... take it in stride, NO FREAKING OUT!! Be prepared to be accepting of anything and everything that she could possibly say.

Above all else- let her know that your love for her is not dependant on her performances. Let her know you love her.

Answer 6

It's not anyone's fault that she flunked. Your daughter has been under a lot of pressure and it just picked a really bad time to finally get to her. She may need a break from all the extra-curricular activities just to lessen the stress level so she can concentrate on graduating summer school with flying colours.

Answer 7

She had to pop sooner or later.

Its best to mix play and work so one does not come overwhelmed.

Sounds like she was all work and no play, in turn resulting in a hard play to release it.

Can't feel bad for her, she'll get through it. Just know now that she needs to work on inserting more fun into her busy schedule so this doesn't happen again.

Be bad to go another 7 yrs, get a good job, nice car, home and then bam, it happens again and she looses all she has. Cure the problem now.

Answer 8

If her grades had always been great, and she suddenly changed and flunked out, I'd take a hard look at what else is going on in her life.

Kids do weird things, but they don't suddenly get stupid after years of being smart. She's into something bad.

Answer 9

Drugs - test her now and often and get her help. You dont go from great to flunking without some serious help getting there. I have been going through this for the past 3 years. My daughter is also 17.

Good luck

Answer 10

Even though she flunked, she learned valuable lesson. It doesn't matter how great you are, you can't get too cocky. Having been through this myself x3 I know just how you feel. The hardest thing for me to do as a parent was to let go and in effect say, "You made your bed - now sleep in it." At this point in your lives her actions might be an embarassment to you but they really only hurt her. Let her know that.

Answer 11

I would support her, not scold her. It will make her feel worse and learn or "train" herself to let your words pass by without impact on her. When i say support, i mean that there should be discipline and priveledges would be taken away, but still that communication between you two. There has to be some reason why this happened, because obviously she is too smart to play dumb and do such a thing.