Am I justified in being annoyed?

Question

My husband's relatives travel here often from Russia, and they are really nice people for the most part. However, in Russia you are supposed to treat your guests like visiting royalty. Guests should never lift a hand to help out, while here you expect to help out your host ot at least to offer. Some of the girls and women are the worst. You would think that after visiting a month, it might be nice to help out a bit in the kitchen, without being asked, especially when people are getting up early to cook nice food for you.
I feel like some of them are making a conscious choice to try to impose their own cultural ways on me.

Answer 1

They're in America, they should take on American culture - however, if they know nothing about that part of culture, then how would you expect them to know that you wish them to help? Maybe you should ask your husband to speak with them. But for now you can't really be upset with them because you can't know that they realize that what they're doing is wrong.

Answer 2

Have you ever been with your husband's family in Russia and if you did how did they treat you? If you were there and they did everything according to their culture I know that you would have been treated with the biggest respect and that they would have done everything to make your stay as pleasant as possible even if it would mean inconveniences for them but they would never let you know about that.
Where I come from and the way I was brought up hospitality is very important and you treat your guests with the highest respect and make sure that they are made as comfortable as possible.
I'm very proud of my culture and I will always live according to that but I'm well aware that in western Europe, the US and Canada things are different and I learned as a child to adjust to their way of life and because I live in a western society when I'm visiting or staying with people over here I always help with everything because that is the way .
Not all people know about western cultural ways and it's not that they do not wish to help but they do not know what is expected so they behave the way they know is right by them. They do not mean any harm with it neither are they lazy. They are just being polite and if you have a problem with that you and your husband can explain to them in a friendly way that things are different over with you and that you would appreciate it if they could give some help. What you are creating now is tension and they will notice it but do not understand it. Talking about it and explaining is the only solution. The worst thing that can happen is that you lose some of the respect that you have built up now by treating them with the same respect as they would treat you when you would be with them. Cultures can be brought togheter and solve things the right way if there's mutual understanding and respect. You can learn a lot from opening yourself up to another culture and I think that western society can learn very much from the hospitality and helpfullness of other cultures instead of always wanting them to change and adapt into western society ways

Answer 3

You said it yourself, it's a matter of cultural difference. Did you know this prior to the marriage? Know of your husband's culture that is? Sometimes we have to bite our tongues and "suck it up" in order to keep peace. They obviously don't understand that the rules of etiquette are different here than where they are from, but if they treat company like royalty, the thought has probably never entered their minds to offer to help let alone do it. How much longer are they staying? If it's only a short time perhaps you could endure for the sake of enduring and then speak to your husband about it after they leave in preparation for a future visit. He could have time to explain the differences to them and perhaps their behavior will be slightly different on the next visit. You also need to be prepared for the fact that he may see nothing wrong as you do and not want to say anything. Should you choose to address the issue, tread lightly, my guess is they will find it insulting.

Answer 4

This is a delicate situation. Might I suggest the following:

1. Respect their culture, but DON'T go out of your way to impress. Keep things as routine as possible... meaning while they are visiting don't cook elaborate dinners or breakfasts, etc.

2. Keep in mind that you love your spouse, and this is a temporary visit.

3. Next time they are here to visit have a planned "out of the area" trip with your girlfriends... let your husband have a few days of this to himself so he can "see what it's like".

4. And most importantly of all talk to your husband about your feelings and how you "respect" the culture, but there has to be some give and take. i.e., when it's time to do dishes, ask some of the women to come into the kitchen and help you - let them know this is part of your culture. Do this carefully and in a nice way.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

Sure, it's annoying when someone in your household doesn't pitch in to help out.

On the other hand, your guests may not have a clue that you expect - or even that you want - them to at least offer.

Sounds like these folks are not just one-time visitors. I'd recommend that you and your husband discuss your issue with their behaviors, and then you address these issues with your in-laws. You can be kind, even funny, but let them know that they're in Rome now, and should do as the Romans do.

Answer 6

The question is who is going to show tolerence for the other culture. The visitors or the host. For a weekend it is OK, but as in your case for months - I agree its not OK.

I think that your husbond who is in the middle here, must take action and talk to his relatives. Explaining that in this country it is expected that guests help out a little when staying for so long. They do not have to be offended by this if he phrase it in a nice way.

Answer 7

Your luck to run into a typical cross cultural problem after the marriage rather than before. Ask any girl who has married an Arab college classmate, for example, and, then, returned to his home country and extended family. And, of course, they expect you to accept their cultural ways if you have married into the family. Don't ask; have your husband explain to them the manners and expected behavior in the culture they are visiting. It wouldn't hurt to suggest more meals eaten out where the guests are expected to pay. Tit for tat.
At the very worse, be thankful that you are not living in the old country where it would be your lifetime fate.

Answer 8

Yes, you're very much justified in being annoyed about that. In that type of situation (long term visit) they should get a clue that things here are not the same and it is expected of them to help out with some things. Politely inform them of that!

Short term visits may be much different, yes to them it might be like a vacation etc. but still if you went there and stayed long term would they return the favor in the same manner? My guess is no they wouldn't. Part of it too is that it has been "allowed" to go as long as it has and therefore they may think its normal and/or are taking advantage of it. ;)

Answer 9

Make it clear to them to feel at home. They will get bored and naturally volunteer. They may feel they are crossing boundaries by initiating things. I'm sure they are observant and have their own way of doing things, and would not want overstep boundaries.
When I go on vacation, I don't expect to do housework.
The husband is the one you need to voice your issues and he is the one walking the tight rope between cultures and customs.
The work ethic in other countries is different than here. These are not lazy people.
Think of it this way. They are allowing you to be the best host possible and wouldn't think of interfering with the opportunity for your husband to prove himself as a host.

Answer 10

Hmm... thats really hard! Could your husband talk to them? If they are doing it on purpose maybe you need to talk to them. Regardless of what they feel, they are in your house and your rules should be followed. Try giving them, say, two days a week when its up to them to cook for themselves?

If they are really horrible, I would wait till they have been at your house for a week and then you and ur hubby take a weekend trip somewhere. Give them the house and tell them to look after it. They they will have to take care of it. When you come back, still be courteos, but sort of wean them away from being no-helpers. Maybe have another guest over for a week, but have that guest be your friend, so she'll (or he'll) help you to set an example.

I think you really need to talk to them, but you definitly have the right to be annoyed. ur not a servant! Your their relative.

Answer 11

It's the same in my culture - but typically people do start helping out if it is an extended stay. I would be annoyed too. But, it is the hosts/hostesses' duty to do so - so I think you have to suck it up.

Think that they are used to that and that's what they expect. I think it would be difficult to change them and it would do nothing but cause you problems - not them.

Just make sure to do the same when you visit them! Real soon, hopefully and for at least a month!