If you thought your Mother was dying?

Question

We don't know for sure yet but she has a tumor on her pancrease. And by all accounts that is not good. So how do you act? I don't want to talk about being sick and what might happen. She of course is very worried and VERY negative about the whole thing. How to handle this?

Answer 1

Oh, Sweetness, I'm very sorry for your news. The best way to handle this is one day, one hour or even one moment at a time. Your Mom is acting negative because she's afraid. It's a human thing that everyone will go through when faced with a debilitating illness. Once the news is in may help. That way you have a concrete view of what's going on, but if it's cancerous your fight has just begun. If it's not, then you can all sigh and know you've dodged a bullet. My Dad was diagnosed 5 years ago with colon, liver and lung cancer. They removed a third of his lung, half his liver and a grapefruit sized tumor out of his colon. He wasn't expected to make it more than a year but his attitude was that it wasn't going to beat him. He's still alive and bugging Mom just as he always has.
Love your Mom no matter what she says. She's frightened and you're frightened. You have my love, sympathy and my blessings.

Answer 2

Hun, I've been through this very same thing. My mother was suffering from alot of ailments due to her kidneys failing. She had setbacks on top of setbacks. I'll not go into everything because I'll start crying again, even though she passed over 3 years ago. One thing you may want to keep in mind that talking about what is happening to her is a way to show her that you're going to be there for her the entire way, no matter what happens. But when you do talk about it, stay focused on being calm in front of her, and if you need to, let it all out in private. One of the things me and my mom was to spend a lot of time together. We went out for breakfast when I'd get off work, shopping, grocery store, anything that was fun and could get her mind off of it for a little while. When you are own your own, do research on her condition, take notes that you think are necessary and never hesitate to ask the doctors questions. My mom's doctors hated me because I constantly wanted to know why this was happening or what that treatment was for and what side effects could we expect. That is only a slight portion of the questions I really put to them. I didn't let mom go back by herself when she saw the doctor either because there were more times than not she wasn't in the right frame of mind to talk to the doctors. I'm not saying she was crazy, she had just had too much stress and worry to concentrate like she needed to sometimes. And never, never hesitate to ask for a different doctor or second opinion, regardless of what others may think! That is a lesson I had learned in the worst way possible and a regret I'll carry with me til I die. Needless to say, by the time a different doctor saw her, she was in too much pain to bear. She suffered horribly the last two months she was 'alive'. I'm not saying this to scare you, please don't read it that way. I'm saying this from an experience that hopefully others can learn from. I will keep your mother in my thoughts, and I'll pray for her return to good health.

Answer 3

Let her know (initially) that tests are still being run and we aren't certain. Many things that look like one thing, are actually another. You may wish to cite "House" as to how they think it is one thing, but it is something else.

Also, a hospital is never a pleasant place and everyone will just have to wait for the results.

If you can, see if you can get her into a wheelchair and take her for a roll about the grounds. Get her into the sun and away from the institutionalized setting for a little while.

Answer 4

As hard as it can be, stay positive around her. If you need to let go, do it when your alone. Give her as much support as you can and keep her spirits positive. Treat her normally as you always have before this happened. She already feels different because of this, treating her differently only makes it worse. Offer to be with her for all doctor appointments and treatment sessions. Tell her a second set of ears might not be a bad thing because likely she'll be very emotional and miss something. Hard as it is, you have to keep it together for her.

I've been through it. It's not pretty and it's not easy. You can do it though. I hope you don't get bad news and lose her as I lost my mom.

Answer 5

All I can tell you (from experience) is for you not to become negative and show too much emotion when with her, it would only cause her more anguish worrying about you or other family members. People in her condition do not all handle it the same, nor do the relatives or friends of the person.

Answer 6

I just arrived home last night from a visit a 1000 km away. While on vacation, my Dad (78) had a heart attack and fell down a flight of stairs, busting open his head. He had to have a pacemaker put in and was released from hospital - alive but not doing so well.

I did not know how to act, what to say, what to do. I just kept fairly quiet and kept in mind that this was not about me, it was about him. Ask your mom about her feelings - but only in response to what she brings up...don't you start asking her without her already broaching the subject. Let her know you'll be with her and "we'll tackle this, whatever it is." See if you can find positive statistics on the internet to share with her. Don't share negatives.

Love to you and your Mom and family. I hope she does well.

Answer 7

My grandfather dies of cancer and all I can say is try acting normal. Of course it's a hard situation but if it's not good and there's a chance she could die then it would be useless to spend the last years with her just talking about her illness and crying over it. Just enjoy your time with her. Might be a bit hard saying this but i found that this is the best way to handle it.

Answer 8

Both my parents's deaths were expected. Instead of focusing on the end make the most of everyday talk about her child hood video tape as much as possible allow her time and privacy to say things she feels either on tape or in writing. One day there will be greadchildren and great grandchildren that will want the know about her life.Encourage her to speak to future generations.

Answer 9

Wow, I am so sorry for her and your family. That is really rough, I don't know what I would do. A close friend of mine has cancer (she is 37 with 2 small kids)--I don't know how she does it, but she is the most positive person I know! So far she feels fine and I think her positivity is helping her remain "healthy"--We don't avoid the issue -but by not focusing on the down side we can focus on what she can do to the disease, not what the disease will do to her.. good luck and prayers to you!

Answer 10

I'm very sorry for your bad news.

You don't need to act in any special way. You don't have to talk about her being sick unless she initiates the topic. Just be there for her and listen. She may need to vent, she may be angry, she may be sad. All you can do is be understanding and loving.

Just remember, she's still your mom, you still love her. Don't treat her as if she's now someone different.

I hope that it turns out to be treatable.