I really want to like my in-laws, but how is this possible?

Question

I know there are an endless number of in-law jokes, and for good reason. So, my problem is not new. Meaning there should be a lot of people with a lot of experience out there. I've tried so hard to get along with (and like) my in-laws, but there is such a strong personality clash. For a long time I blamed myself and they were perfectly fine with letting me believe it was all my fault we didn't get along. But, I finally decided that I will no longer allow myself to feel bad. I used to knock myself out trying to make nice and have given up on them. But now my military spouse is deploying to Iraq and I wish there was some good, solid advice out there that could help me approach this with a new perspective. I lost both of my own parents a couple of years ago and feel the continued alienation of my Husband's parents (by both sides) is morally wrong. Do I accept this situation forever or take this upon my shoulders once again? Is this even possible???

Answer 1

Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward (Paperback)

There is also website which you may find some support. It's http://www.ihatemyinlaws.com/

There are also many Yahoo groups for people with in-law trouble. I don't have any specific names as I don't go to them.

Answer 2

I was a military spouse many years ago and didn't get on with my inlaws. My then husband did a tour in Korea. Not a warzone, but still a long separation. First thing to do is not to stress too much over the deployment. Try to do as much without your inlaws as possible. Be as self-sufficient as possible. Find your own friends. Go to work or to school to keep your mind occupied. Try not to ask them for help or advice. They will only look down on you and see it as a weakness on your part.
What works with them depends largely on your and their personality. If you know that they are not interested in you, then don't force yourself on them. If they come to you, be nice and respectful and polite. They may just be stubborn and some people you cannot change once they've made up their mind that they don't like you. You just accept it and move on with your life.
If you want to take this on, at least be prepared to be let down again. Maybe they'll come around, but anticipate that they will not. I believe in giving people another chance, up to a point. So give it a try and see what happens. After that, I'd say let it go because you don't want to sacrifice your dignity and self-respect. It always takes two to tango.

Answer 3

No, don't take it forever. I have the same problem. My husband's mom hates me, from the moment they met me they called me the little rich ***** farmers daughter. Now, I do not have money. My parents are just middle class & didn't hand over any to me. His family just happens to be the type that could go to the deep south, get lost in all the other inbred idiots & never be seen again (which I wish would happen). We've been together 15 yrs, married for 11yrs. At our wedding, which the only reason why his mom was invited was cuz my mom invited her, she sat and balled that her life was over, making a spectacle. IT gets a lot worse from there. I'm sure you know the feeling. I took it, and my husband never even stood up for me. He just said, "that's how my mom is, just deal with it & don't say a word cuz you'll just upset my whole family" every time. So not only was I not defended, I wasn't allowed to defend myself. So all these years have gone by as me trying to be the nice daughter-in-law and pretend like nothing happened. I had our 1 st child almost 5 yrs ago. LONG story short, she came up for a week, lots of tension & I haven't had any contact with his family since. The answering machine is all she gets to talk to unless my husband anwser's. We've actually been to marriage counseling a lot over this. It's the only sticking place in our relationship other than money, but who's isn't. Well, 2 christmas's ago, he had gone down to visit her. He came back with presents for he & my daughter & a christmas card just addressed to them. I LOST it. Went to file for divorce right there after a HUGE fight. I literally had an epiphany & said 'NO MORE'. I would never want any of my friends or family treated this way, so why was I allowing this to happen. We ended up after a LONG , tearful talk, staying together. Upon the condition that she NEVER comes around me or my daughter again (which is no big deal to my daughter cuz she's only seen her once when she was 1 week old- & I don't feel like my daughter is missing out on anything cuz she's literally not stable & nasty). Things have worked out well from there. I don't say much about his family. And they give me plenty of ammo. His mom called to 'fake' that she had cancer a while ago.
Anyway, now that I've written the book, I just wanted to show you that I understand. When your husband gets back from Iraq (just suck it up and deal with them till then), you and he should sit down and talk. Tell him that aas much as you love him, this situation with his parents is literally killing you inside.Counseling is an awesome alternative, having that 3rd party view really helps. I don't know if your to the point that I was where you'd rather live without the love of your life than live with him & deal with all the crap the in-laws dish out.
The one thing you have to remember, they are just 2 people. No matter who they are to you, anyone can be excluded from your life. No one says you have to get along with all the people all the time.
You probably will truely feel better about yourself, if every situation you get in with them, you picture yourself as the friend looking at your friend's relationship. What advice would you give her? Then take that advice & stick to your guns. They will only be allowed to bully you as long as you let them.
GOOD LUCK, my prayers are with you and your family. I hope your husband is safe & comes home to you very soon.

Answer 4

drop all the jokes and all knowing that you have about your in laws, drop the thoughts that tell u they r your p-in-laws. Treat them like individuals, friends, start looking at their strengths, start looking at how can u unconditionally love - support them, clear the past images and re-create the images of them in your mind as you want them, write down on a piece of paper the kind of people they are and the kind of fun u r having together and keep chanting it (RE-CREATE).
Friend, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, so does ugliness. U don't have to be guilty for the past or blame them for the way they were, forgive without saying anything, expecting anything and love them once twice three times, four times, and your love wiil start flowing out of them and hit you.

Once upon a time, there was a king who ruled a prosperous country. One day, he went for a trip to some distant areas of his country. When he was back to his palace, he complained that his feet were very painful, because it was the first time that he went for such a long trip, and the road that he went through was very rough and stony. He then ordered his people to cover every road of the entire country with leather. Definitely, this would need thousands of cows' skin, and would cost a huge amount of money.
Then one of his wise servant dared himself to tell the king, "Why do you have to spend that unnecessary amount of money? Why don't you just cut a little piece of leather to cover your feet?"
The king was surprised, but he later agreed to his suggestion, to make a "shoe" for himself.
There is actually a valuable lesson of life in this story: to make this world a happy place to live, you better change yourself - your heart; and not the world . . .

Answer 5

Forever is a very long time I have seen people change over years that I would never expect. But if you have been trying for a bit there is not anything you can cognatively do to make the change. But if you give it some time, most people will mature and start to act differently.
Good luck. Take care of your self while he is deployed. And please be sure to tell him how much we appriciate his commitment and service, and we appriciate the cost that you as a spouce must pay for his service.
Thank you.
B

Answer 6

You just have to accept them for how they are and not let them get to you. Be nice because you guy's do have something in common... your husband. You don't have to like them, just try and make the best possible situation for yourself. You all will need each other at this time. Talk to them and tell them how you feel (that you wish to be closer), and see how they respond. Whatever you do, don't let them make you upset. I know it's hard, but in the end all the bs is just that.... bs. Good luck:)

Answer 7

there is a saying that goes no daughter/son in law will ever be good enough for their in-laws. dont beat yourself up over this maybe you are just trying too hard, be yourself if they cant accept and love you for who and what you are its their loss. dont let it get you down it happens to the most of us. what is important is your marriage and as long as you love each other it doesnt matter what they think. i know we all want to be accepted and want a different relationship with our in laws but its a 50/50 relationship you can only do so much the rest is up to them. you can only give and try so hard. if you really find that you cant deal with it maybe you should try speaking to them, i really hope it works out for you and good luck!!

Answer 8

no its not inpossible but it is hard , the first thingyou have to remember is these are the two people that brought your love to this world they were the ones that made him be what he was to catch your eye in the start , the only thing you can do that you will kave in commond is the concern about him going , shair that with them and it should help to ease the tention you have

Answer 9

Be independent and don't rely on them too much. If possible, don't be so close to them.