Married for 10+years. Husband says no longer in love but still cares.?

Question

He told me last month that he still loves me but his feelings have changed. He just says he has a lot of things to work out in his head. Whatever that means. He says he's not happy w/his job either. We have 4 kids. I am confused because I care deeply about our marriage and don't believe in divorce from a Christian stand point. He has never drank before however has recently started drinking which is a little difficult for the children to see. His father is a pastor and has spoken to me and said to trust in the Lord and wait things out. He won't speak to his parents for fear of being "preached at". My DH has said let's take things a day at a time, but I have no idea how to act anymore knowing this news. Just not sure what to do anymore. Being a proud guy I don't think he'll do counseling either.

Answer 1

that is very sad, but get a grip on reality, get your legalities in order because after he is gone your going to wish you had

Answer 2

He's most likely in what some refer to as a mid-life crisis. He's in a self-destructive mode.

He cannot be drinking in front of the children if he becomes beligerent or hostile. This is very important! It can be a life altering if he becomes violent or children's services finds out. Let him know that this is unacceptable simply because of the legal implications involved. Discuss it when he's sober.

He has shut down with his parents, and that's scary. If he just seems to shut down when you try to find out how to make things better, you may have to accept that some time apart may be beneficial for you both. NO ONE likes it, but it may save your marriage.

Give him space, and understand he is in pain and not having fun. Be patient, but not to the point where you are sacrificing your self-respect, mental health, or well-being. Councelling may help you, even if he doesn't go. You may discover other techniques than "Take it one day at a time" or "Wait it out".

The good news is that he has opened up to you and likely does not want a divorce any more than you do. Otherwise he would have gone out for a pack of cigarettes and never come back.

Answer 3

It sounds to me like "more than his feelings" have changed. For one thing, he's drinking (something he's not done before, a sign of guilt, perhaps) and that "his feelings have changed" so perhaps there's someone else in the picture and he's hoping you will, well, figure it out for yourself. No one likes admitting weakness. Does he run to the store looking "better" than usual, yet taking to long. Or how about work? Does he come home at the same time as always or go to work earlier then before? If so, when did this start. Perhaps his shift "started earlier" a few weeks ago. Or maybe he's just rethinking his life and all of this is off base. I simply don't know.

However if he's truly a "good man" he will do everything in his power to save his marriage which includes conselling and anything else it takes. Otherwise, he's looking for a way out. Personally, I think its time to get ready for some bad news, but I'd have him followed for a few days to find out. Just don't do it if your not ready for what you hear.

Answer 4

koolkiten,

I am sorry that you’re having problems. The only real concern that I see is that you’re not truly intimate with each other.

Husbands and wives should share everything without making judgments – that is intimacy. You should know what is going on without asking someone outside of your marriage.

At this late date, it is still not hopeless by any means, but I don’t suggest that you just wait it out. Begin now to work toward communicating with your husband and ask him questions and then listen without judgment.

If you can’t initiate communication, involve a 3rd party – a minister, marriage counselor or read some books that will help you understand communication in marriage, etc.

It is likely that your husband is depressed in which case he made need medical intervention or counseling. Don’t ignore it and hope that it will go away. Sometimes things like this get worse.

I really don’t think this is something that will improve without a little bit of good old hard work. I don’t see your marriage failing, but it does need to improve, and it is up to you and your husband to make those choices and follow through.

God bless.

Answer 5

i am really sorry to hear about this.. but yes you must take one day at a time.. but during that time lets take it to god in prayer..i think it is bad that he cannot talk to his dad.. but in ways i understand that.. see my dad was a baptist minister and i did not want to tell him things either because i was ashamed of some things in my life and i did not want to hurt him any more than i have.. i am doing much better now, but my dad is gone .. he died last may 1 2005...but i really believe in the power of prayer.. and i pray for you and your family right now that god touches your marriage and that things will work out... and whatever is wrong with your husband that it will all turn around and he wakes up to what he is doing.. alcohol does just depress a person even more.. i think it is hard on you and your children and i know how the fact of divorce is so hard on children and you... but i think if he really loves you, and you try and be the same good wife you have been he will straighten up...i think you do just have to trust in the lord now and pray for your marriage...i hope i helped you some , it is so hard to say when you do not know all that is wrong.. just be the best loving wife you can.. and take care of your children and wait and pray...

Answer 6

I hate to say it... but you may not believe in divorce, but just because you don't believe doesn't mean it won't happen. First thing I would suggest is getting at least the name of a good lawyer, just in case.

Next, you should sit your husband down and explain that you understand he needs time to think. People do, from time to time, just need time to examine their lives and see where they want it to go. You should also bring up your concerns with drinking infront of the children. Do not make accusations, don't try to make everything his fault.

Second, I would say that you need to examine your own life and role in the marriage. In any relationship, when things go awry, its not just one person's fault. Everyone must claim their share of the problems.

Sounds like he's dealing with a lot of things, and needs your support. Give him what he needs, time.

Not sure which is true, your title or body of the question. In the title you say he said he "no longer loves you but still cares" then in the body you say he said that he "still loves you but his feelings have changed."

I can tell you that I went through a similar experience, and I was met with divorce papers for even saying I didn't feel the way I used to.

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear that. I'd have some sympathetic abuse for you, but he is your husband, so I'll curtail myself and try to think practically.

How do YOU feel about the status quo, so to speak? Obviously you're uneasy with the things your husband has started saying and his new drinking habits. Still, depending on how much he's drinking, and how often he talks about your marriage in that way, maybe things can get better. Maybe not.

You can always go to marriage counseling by yourself, and encouraging your husband to COME with you might be more effective than encouraging him to GO with you. If you can afford it, I would encourage you to go. You might get better advice than that of twenty bored teenagers on the internet.

In the meantime, let me just say this: you are personally entitled to the best relationship you can possibly have, and you have my respect for your committment to your own marriage. To an extent, you DO know what to do now, in a general sense: you should work to strengthen your marriage and your relationship with your husband. I can't give you very much specific advice - and really, I have no business giving relationship advice at all, considering my past history. Good luck, and God bless.

Edit: Having read a couple more of the comments on this page, I like what mom had to say about love as a choice, and cyndi71mom's advice to be supportive. I'm not sure how I feel about AsianMusic's advice to "withdraw", but he is probably right that it's best not to smother him with affection in hopes of "winning him back".
People's unremittant advice to "pray" seems kind of tiresome and unhelpful to me, but I guess it is the Christian thing to do.

Answer 8

Ouch - I am not a qualified counselor or anything of a sort... but I'll tell you a principle that has always helped me in situations... withdraw!

Your instinct tells you to smother him. Your nature says "Love will work this out" and you just want to hold and never let go... well, do the opposite. Act like a magnet with the wrong side facing him... know what I mean? Emotionally and physically move away from him (WITH CONFIDENCE) and watch him react in a way he won't even understand himself. He'll be wondering what the heck is going on with you and draw closer to you in attraction.

Well... like I said, I'm not a counselor - but you must read the book =

Answer 9

I am so sorry to hear that. I couldn't even imagine what you are going through. I'd say, though, try to ask him what is wrong and just talk to him. Ask him if he wants to keep the relationship, and if he does, ask him to agree to go to counseling to fix the problem. Go to group therapy and individual therapy for both of you. I know this can be hard, but don't give up. It might even make you stronger. He is probably going through mid-life crisis and might just need some time to think. One of the most important things you can do is to get him to stop drinking. It can only make him moodier, less rational, or even unstoppable. It's a big addiction and if he doesn't treat it, it can only get worse.

I truly hope things will work out and your life will get better. Keep your chin up and good luck.

<3,

Answer 10

From what I have read I think he is trying to deal with an idenity crisis. I am no expert by any means, but from what I read that is what I have come to. I have given your story some serious thought too. He is trying to find himself. This drinking and saying that he dosen't love you but still cares about you. What think is that he dosen't know what he wants right now and he doesn't what to hurt you. He may not be happy with his job because he may want to try something new and different. This sounds like something he is going to have to work out with himself. He is going to have to see that you and his family is the best thing for him. I really don't think there is a whole lot you can do for him. I know you really want to help but he needs to figure this out himself. The best thing you can do is give him support. Pray for him and yall's kids. Your famliy will be in my prayers. With your kids, I would just tell them that their father is having a hard time right now and he still loves them and will always be their daddy. This must be very hard for you but he will see that his family is the best thing for him. I hope this helped. You are in my prayers.

Answer 11

Wow- that is really tough. It could be that he is so unhappy with his career that everything seems confusing to him. Just tell him you support him and will help him in whatever way he needs. Maybe help him look for a new job? Would he like to relocate? My best friends hubby went through this a while ago. They ended up moving to a new town and he got a new job. I think he felt like he was just in a rut. It is too bad he won't consider counseling because that is such a great help.
Good luck to you and know that what he is going through right now is not your fault. He just needs to sort out his own head...