Is my husband out of line with our toddler?

Question

Sometimes my 17 mo. old daughter freaks out at the mall and i don't know if my husband and i are handling it the best way. sometimes i pretend to walk away, sometimes i spank her. When my husband is there he covers her mouth and i feel people staring at us.

I want her to learn that she can't do this and she has to respect mom and dad.

Answer 1

then take her out of the mall. what ever you do, BE CONSISTENT. if you spank, then spank. if you ignore then, continue to ignore
if you cover her mouth, then continue to cover her mouth. She's learning that you can't handle her tantrums if you are not consistent and THAT IS BAD.

Answer 2

You really don't give enough detail or describe the exact behavior you are objecting to get a good answer. When you say your 17 month old "freaks" out, do you mean she is screaming? (since your husband puts his hand over her mouth). If that is the case, you can tell her, "no screaming in the store" and then squirt some ice water in her face. The idea is to interrupt the undesirable behavior. This will startle her the first time - sometimes that's all it takes. (carry a little squirt bottle). If people stare - there isn't much you can do with that.

When you spank her, does this work? You should not hit her very hard - again, enough to interrupt the behavior.

I would NOT recommend walking away in a store. You want her to feel safe and children of that age are going through a separation process developmentally - which may trigger her "freaking out" if she can't see you or feels like she s been abandoned.

Being consistent is absolutely necessary, as someone already pointed out. Try to direct whatever you do in a positive way rather than angry. You can say, sorry, her name, but, no screaming in the store and with the discipline. You need to do the disciplining immediately when her misbehavior occurs, so she can connect it.

Answer 3

Don't you just love it when 17 year olds with no kids sit there and call you a bad parent? Gotta love the know-it-alls with no experience. No matter how you discipline your child, you're always going to have someone stare or criticize. Find out what it is that she freaks out about, and then try to resolve it. Like, if she's in a cart, and you turn your back on her to look at a shirt, and she starts crying, then push the cart in a way that you don't have to turn away. Like some of the others said, be consistent. No matter how you punish her, that is the key. I don't think it's neccessarily wrong that your husband covers her mouth. As long as he's not cutting off her air supply. He's just simply lowering the volume of her cries. Tell her when you go in the mall that it's only for a little while, and if she's good, then on the way home you'll stop and get some ice-cream. However, you do have to remember that at this age, children need stimulation, so they can't be expected to sit still in a cart for a very long time. Maybe you could bring her some toys to entertain her while you're doing your shopping. And don't ignore her. Talk to her and include her in what you're doing. If you like 2 shirts but only want to buy 1, let her pick out which shirt to buy. She'll eventually learn that the mall isn't a bad place.

Answer 4

Both of you are out of line. First of all...how do you expect a 1 1/2 year old to behave at the mall? That place is full of environmental distractions and things she'll want to touch and that will attract her attention to drool on, put in her mouth or whatever! I say, take her to a sitter for an hour or two while you're at the mall. If that's not an option, here's what I do with my kids:

1. Make her aware of the situation.
2. Set REASONABLE expectations of her...you can't be all day in the mall with her, or even three hours!
3. Go only after she's been fed and has had a good nap.
4. If and when she does not meet expectations...go home!
5. If she does meet expectations praise her, buy her something, be kind with her.

Also, make sure to praise her every 15 min to 30 min. if she's been good within that span of time...it'll keep her concentrated on her expectations.


That's it...if she won't behave just leave. Not being there due to her choices of behavior will be enough for her. However, you don't necessarily want to leave do you? That's where the problem is...

It's tough when you have kids, you have to attempt to do activities they'll enjoy not just the ones you like. Try taking her to the zoo, the aquarium, the park, those are more beneficial to her development and more age appropriate!

Answer 5

Yes, you're husband is "out of line". Ask him how he would like it if someone covered his mouth every time he got mad or out of control. You re not sending very good messages to this child. You are right to ignore her. Spanking doesn't help and also gives her the wrong message, If by ignoring her she continues to "make a scene" then remove her from the mall (go sit in the car with her), talk to her calmly but firm then return to the mall when she settles down, assuring her that this behavior is not acceptable and if she does it again you will leave (the mall). Don't give into her tantrums but don't react in anger to them. She is not disrespecting anyone at 17 months old, she is just being a child and remember, kids are people too! Hope this helps. Take care.

Answer 6

well he shouldnt be covering her mouth thats not gonna stop her thats gonna make her freak out even more... try pacifying her by picking her up n carryingher or if its really out of hand to the point of causing a scene bring ur self to her eye level n give a stern "no" or "stop" in a calm deep voice rememebr her mind is not as developed as adults she is learning and this sounds a bit awkward but teach her like a new puppy u would say no if the dog was chewing on a shoe or soemthing so ifd she is acting up take urself to her level look her in the eye n say no she wont understand u walking away or ur husband using force like that. that just will get her going. ur best bet is to try picking her up n giving some attention after all in a mall its noisy maybe she doesnt like the environment

and no spanking is not child abuse... beating is child abuse deliberately slapping or punching or jerking ur cild around is abuse... not spanking draw the line in the sand with ur child let them kno ur the parent some times a little slap on the *** is what it needs to do the job that would be after the attempt at diplomacy if talking doesnt work spank em n give them a reason to cry

ok and no spanking is not abuse....n when it is in the house or behind closed doors as long as u do not leave bruises a slap is not either

Answer 7

OMG spanking her in the mall? In front of other people? BOTH OF YOU ARE OUT OF LINE! You and your husband need to take a Child development class. Maybe the reason your 17 month old is freaking out is because of the noise, and people and environment. Baby's are suppose to cry it's in there nature. The best thing to do if your baby is throwing a tantrum is take your baby somewhere where there is no people around and let your baby cry. She is only 17 months old spanking a child in public is humiliating to the child! what kind of parent are you? Child Care experts suggest not spanking the child at ALL! it only intimidates the child it doesn't help the child learn proper behavior! Geez I'm 17 years old and I can take care of a baby better than you!and please tell your husband to stop putting his hand over the baby's mouth! If were to see that In person I would report both of you!no wonder people stare at you!another thing because your baby cries it does not mean she is disrespecting both of you on Purpose let me remind you she is only 17 months old. Take a damn child development class

Answer 8

That's a hard one. I have three kids (5,3,15 months) and I handle them all differently. With my 5 year old, I warn her when she acts up and if she does it again, I take away her TV privileges. When my three year old acts up, she gets time out. If I'm out in public, I make her sit down and put her head down for 2 minutes. I haven't really had to deal with my 15 month yet, she's actually pretty good, but when I do have to discipline her, I'll just go with the flow and do what works best for her. As for your husband being out of line, you have to remember that dad's don't handle discipline the same way as mom's do. My husband is much stricter with the girls and will discipline then for much less than I would. As for what other people think, any one who has kids has been in your shoes and knows it's not easy, and those who don't have kids will now soon enough. Hope that helps you.

Answer 9

I guess I am wondering what your definition of "freaking out" is.
To me that means your child isterrified of something and is crying and upset.......worried. If that's the case reassure her that everything is okay and take her out of the mall. Sometimes, with some children, all the business of the mall is too much for them to handle. The big place all the people talking and making noise at once, it could be fear of getting lost.
If it is because she wants something or wants her way..........then simply pick her up and tell her that isn't the way we act and if she can't act appropriately she will have to leave and the next time you go to the mall................get a sitter.

Answer 10

Who cares what people are going to say, bust her behind and tell her why ,it only takes one good time and I know I have two. The first time they did that was the last time. If someone says something tell them that is your child and if they think they can raise her better go ahead. Thats why kids are taking guns to schools now and you see all these talk shows (Out of control kids/teens) If you and your husband don't show her whos boss I might see you on Nanny 911. Just make sure u tell her why she is getting a spanking.

Answer 11

I think what you 2 need to do when she starts screaming, try talking to her softly, try to calm her down. He needs to try to keep his hand off of her mouth if possible, as that might scare her and make it worse. Just keep trying to talk to her when she is doing it. Before you go shopping again, you need to talk to her first and let her know that she is not to scream or act up in the store, other wise you will leave the store right then and there, even if your not done shopping. And then when she does act up in the store the next time, leave the store right then, even if your not finished shopping. If you do that a time or two I'm sure she will stop!!! And IF she is good, she gets a reward, if not no reward. But don't tell her about any rewards, let that be a surprise to her for being good!!