What are some of the best jokes you know?

Answer 1

> > ** THE PREGNANT LADY **


> >> >ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY:

> A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus,She noticed the man opposite her was grinning at her.
> She immediately moved to another seat.
>This time the grin turned into a smile, so she moved again.
> The man seemed even more amused.
> And then, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.
> She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
>The case came up in court. The judge asked the man(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
> The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
> When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
> She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned.
> "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."
> "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."
> "BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident' I just lost it."

Answer 2

A man is backing out of his driveway when he accidently runs over his dog. He races the dog to the vet, who takes him straight to the exam room.
"I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do. Your dog has died" the vet told the man.
"I won't accept that, there must be something else you can do!" cried the man.
So the vet went out the back and came back in with a siamese cat, which he placed on the table next to the dog. The cat walked up and down the bench until the doctor picked it up and said to the man "As I said, your dog has passed away. There is nothing more I can do"
The man still refused to believe this and insisted the vet try something else. So the vet went out the back again and came back in with a labrador, which he placed on the bench. The labrador sniffed the body of the poor dead dog, then jumped off the bench and left the room.
"I have to insist to you that your dog is dead" said the vet. Finally the man began to accept the sad truth.
The vet handed the man his bill, and the man was outraged.
"$400? Just to tell me my dog is dead? How can you justify this?"
"Well", said the vet," It's $200 for my standard fee, plus $100 each for the cat scan and the lab test."

Answer 3

There was a man who had a pet duck and he took the duck everywhere with him. He went downtown window shopping one day with duck in tow.

While walking around town, he realized that a movie he was waiting for was at the theatre and he really wanted to see it. He goes to buy a ticket and the girl at the window tells him he can't bring his duck inside. She suggests he leave it in the car.

Well, it is winter so the man doesn't want to leave his poor duck in the car but he REALLY wants to see that movie! So, he stuffs the duck in his pants, buys his ticket and goes to the movies. Everything is going well but it is warm in the theatre and the guy is worried about his duck so he unzips his pants.

Things are great...for about 15 minutes. Then suddenly the woman next to him screams, runs up the aisle and grabs the usher. "Usher, usher, there's a man down there with something hanging out of his pants!"

The usher says, "Calm down, lady, we are both adults and we know what it is."

She replies, "I thought I knew what it was too until it reached over and ate my popcorn!"

Answer 4

A skeleton walks into a bar, sez "Gimme a beer, and a mop"

Guy walks into a bar w/ a piece of asphalt under his arm, sez "Gimme a beer, and one for the road"

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender sez, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

Answer 5

Your momma's so fat that when she fell down I tried not to laugh, but the ground was cracking up!!
and
Your momma's so fat that when she went on a diet Hostess went out of business!! XD

Answer 6

there was once a lady who was falling frm a building. she was caught by a german man who was looking out of a window.
'oh thank u! thank u! how can i repay u?' she asked him.
'u will have to sleep with me.' he replied.
'no way!' she said and the man dropped her.
she was once again falling and an american man caught her.
'oh thank u thank u ! how can i ever repay u?? she asked the man.
'sleep with me' he said.
'nno way!' she said and he dropped her. while falling she thought..
'damn! i should hav slept with one of these guy, atleast i would have been alive!
and then a muslim man caught her.
'oh thank u, thank u! no problem, i will sleep with u!' she said,
the man just screamed 'ASTAKFIRULLA*!' and he dropped her.

Answer 7

Ms. Jackson, a nurse at Belleview's hospital for the mentally insane, was delivering medication to the patients. She came to Bob Tidwell's room and saw that he was sitting in a chair in the middle of the room. he had his hands stretched out in front of him; one at ten o'clock and the other at two. curious, she asked, "bob. what are you doing?"
the mental patient replied hastily, "i'm on my way to chicago. i have a business meeting to attend. it's going to take all night to get there."
"okay," replied the confused nurse. "could you pull over for a minute and take your meds for me?"
"yeah, but make it quick i have to be in chicago by eight o'clock tomorrow morning or i'm gonna lose the Hornsby account." bob replied frantically. nurse jackson gave the weirdo his meds and bid him a fond fairwell as bob pantamimed putting his imaginary car in gear and driving away.
at seven-thirty the following morning nurse jackson strolled her cart, full of meds, down the hall. she stopped in front of bob's room. she watched as bob arose from the chair and stretched his arms and legs. "have you been driving all night, mr. tidwell?" she asked.
"yes, it took me all night to get here but, i've finally made it to chicago" he looked at his naked wrist, "i'm just in time for the meeting." he said.
"do you have time to take your meds first?" nurse jackson asked politely.
"sure." he threw some pills down his throat and ran into the corner of the room.
nurse jackson shook her head as she left the room and went to the next patient on her list. she got to Mark Lankey's room and gasped. mark was masterbating like a mad man, hopping up and down just yanking away.
"MR. LANSKEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" she yelled.
mark put a finger to his lips and said, "Shhh. i'm banging bob's wife while he's out of town."

Answer 8

yo mamma's so fat she sweats corn oil.

yo mamma's so fat when she steps on the scale it says to be continued.

yo mamma's so fat she needs to wear two watches, one for each time zone.


yo mamma's so fat that when she hauls a$$, she needs to make two trips.