what can u tell me about my poem (be truthful)?

Question

THE CANDLE OF LIFE (my own title) this is my own poem no one gave this to me


9 little candles
whimper and shrink
dripping, dancing
and one winks


they dance and dance against the dark sky
saying hello to the dark cold night
lighting the room where die



they shrink they flicker
they are my soul
smaller and smaller they go



as the last one dies out i close my eyes
good bye


the dawn arrives
my life is gone
i look down on my body and remember
the last little flicker of my flame
my candle of life has died

thanx i love sharing my poetry with every one you all made me feel so much better. to the people who said that something bad must of happened, the anniversary of my older sis is coming up in a few days and i like to write poetry it helps calm me so maybe i will write a few more but not today

Answer 1

good
try harder

Answer 2

You have promise as a poet. However, poetry is one of the dying arts. I don't want to discourage you, but I think that you should take your considerable talent and redirect it (unless you're so wealthy that you can live without income).

Honestly, I like the poem. But, your poetry could be improved if you had a more extensive vocabulary.

Here's an example. You write about the candles "shrinking." O.K., where does a candle go when it shrinks? So, don't you think that the last stanza would be improved if it read:

"the dawn arrives
my life evaporates
i see my corporal remains and realize
the last little lick of candlelight
has surrendered to the sun"

Let the reader come to the conclusion that you have died. Besides, the second line indicates that you've expired, why tell the reader again (even symbolically) in the last line?

But, I'm not a poet. Look at all the other responses. They love what you've written, and so do I.

Answer 3

what can u tell me about my poem (be truthful)?
THE CANDLE OF LIFE (my own title) this is my own poem no one gave this to me


9 little candles
whimper and shrink
dripping, dancing
and one winks


they dance and dance against the dark sky
saying hello to the dark cold night
lighting the room where die



they shrink they flicker
they are my soul
smaller and smaller they go



as the last one dies out i close my eyes
good bye


the dawn arrives
my life is gone
i look down on my body and remember
the last little flicker of my flame
my candle of life has died

It's beautiful! I think you should enter it in poetry contests. I think you should've used the word nine, instead of the number, and that the line "as the last one dies out" the wording should've been As the last one dies out, instead of as the last one. Then the dawn arrives, should've been The Dawn arrives. The first word in in each paragraph, should be spelled with a capital first letter.
Other than that, I really like it!

Answer 4

I am not a poetical person so I suppose I should not be answering this question, but I am going to answer anyway.

It was quite good. In my mind's eye I saw a birthday cake with nine candles on it, each candle representing a year of your life..or a decade if you are age 90...don't think I would like to see a cake with 90 candles on it...

Anyway, with each year your soul grows and becomes different from the what it was. Because you don't need it anymore, the flame of that level of advancement withers and dies and you go on, you graduate to the next level.

The next morning you woke up on the first rung of a new year. The candle of life for year nine, or ninty, is gone and you are starting year 10, or year 100 (gulp)

You feel sad to see the familiar go, but are accepting of the need to climb the ladder of your soul's evolution to year 10, and 11, and so on, so on, until the weaver of your tapestry of life has decided your pattern for this life is completed.

I know this was not what you mean, as I said I do not have a poetical bone in my body, but that is what I understood it to mean,

Keep writing. You are good :)

Answer 5

There is an ethereal quality to the words you've chosen, almost like a lovely dragonfly lightly skimming the water's surface. The beauty of poetry is the myriad of subtleties which unfold as one brings the words to life on paper or as those who enjoy poetry wander through the gardens of the layered meanings. One might assume you speak of a birthday or a significant event, as represented by the glow of numbered candle, which fades in significance as the candles burn to completion. Another might assume you speak of a moment of glory that fades as the day moves on. There is a quality of youth that comes across, and perhaps a hint of melodrama; the final stanza could be construed to be a metaphor for the transition from one moment of importance or joy into waiting for the next pleasantry to arrive, or a youthful overemphasis on a transitional moment--or anything in between. There is a very gentle quality to your choice of words that might be perceived as vulnerability or high sensitivity. What I do know about poets, since I, too, write, is they really need an audience for their works. Have you thought of trying a poetry reading during open mike nights at restaurants near local universities?

Answer 6

I like it because it's different, and because you're only explaining something simple like candles the words paint a picture in your head. There are parts where the rhyming is a little odd but that's alright because a poem doesn't have to rhyme perfectly or rhyme at all. It's a story. Good job!

Answer 7

How long have you been writing, because this is really good?! I write poets from time to time as well and can tell you this is really meaningful. It reminds me of the short story, "The Little Match Girl" the way it speaks of the candles burning out as your life slowly slips out of existence. I really enjoyed reading it! Keep on writing!

Answer 8

7/10

Answer 9

Quite good. Using personification for the candle is a common metaphor, but you found your own niche in the poetry world with your heartfelt poem.

Answer 10

2nd stanza, what do you mean by the last line? "where die" confused me a little. And in the 4th stanza, I don't think you should say 'good bye'. And in the 3rd stanza, I think you should say 'smaller' three times. (I'm not messing with you, this is what I really think.) In the last line of the first stanza, I would say, "and then one winks" instead of what you have. Other than that, great poem!

Answer 11

The imagery is very vivid. You manage to sum up a lifetime in a few short stanzas.

I'm so sorry about your sister. Writing seems to be good therapy. Keep at it - you are a writer!