Should I stay with a man I have been dating for six years even if the future seems unsure?

Question

I have been seeing an older man for six years now. We were engaged at one time but we aren't any long. He has always said that once his kids were out of the house we could go from there. Well his youngest is nineteen an recently moved in with a friend, but the 23 year old just came back to live with his dad (because him and his girlfriend broke up because h quit his job and he doesn't feel the need to take care of his own two kids). Anyway, the 23 yr old has been out of work for over 4 months and his biggest goal each day is waking up before 4pm to go play basketball with his friends. My boyfriend doesn't like this but has done nothing about it. I love him very much but I feel I'm spinning my wheels. I'm pretty sure I know what I should do, but dealing with this for so long has brought my self esteem down and I have been depressed for some time now. Please help.

Answer 1

It took you six years to figure it out?

Answer 2

Uhhhh, yeah time for you to move on. Six years, no ring, no babies together (guessing here) with him.

What you've just explained is you are playing house with someone that really isn't going to help you get what you need out of life. So the first thing you need to do is start to save some cash to spilt, this way it doesn't feel like a kick in the head when you go economically. Move in with a friend, whatever. Sounds like after 6 years you already know it isn't working.

I'm guessing this isn't the first time you've thought about leaving him or have left him. Remember this: If the milk spoils you don't put it back in the fridge expecting it to taste any better the next day. Same thing goes for relationships.

Answer 3

you seem depressed because he won't marry you while you have been supportive, I'm sorry. I'm the older guy in my relationship and I can tell you I love her with all my heart. I'm not going to wait until my 12 year old grows up to get married and I do want to marry her Children and love a woman are two different loves hasn't he figured that out yet. My point is that these excuses he is giving you is bullshit and I hope you will take the stand with your relationship move forward this foward to getting married. I was freaked out because I thought the age difference was bad I do think so any more. It does play games with an older mans head. It okay now for you to charge after what you want, say what you want and be assertive. If he gives you any **** then take a stand. Play the game. There is a place on the net men go for advice go there and see what they are trying to teach us men. I have tried this and it doesn't work. In therory I say get to the bottoms of his crap. good luck...

Answer 4

It is interesting you don't comment how much older he is, but it is obviously significant for you to mention it. Did he break it off or you? Perhaps he wants you around but doesn't want any committment to you.

There is a lot fo good advice in these answers here and I hope they makes you feel better about what you have got to do. You need to step away from this relationship to take it to the next level. He must either decide he needs you or he doesn't - no-one of this half hearted I might need you in a few years. That doesn't help you get on with your life and you could find 6 years turns into 10 with more and more problems to follow the current ones.

Why should adult children living with him make any difference to your living together. Put these poor excuses to the test.
Good luck and take care.

Answer 5

Im in the same shape. I have dated the same guy for 5 years and his adult children keep moving home. They see him as an easy target and he expects nothing from them. They dont work or help him with the bills. I call it post divorce guilt. Finally I have come to the realization, I am getting nothing out of this relationship and he is getting great sex.
I decided I should start dating and seeing other people if for no other reason except to feel desired and appreciated. I don't tell him about it, I just do it. Hopefully one of these times I will fall in love with someone who appreciates me.
When you spend all of that time in a relationship and kids are moving in and out, you are being put in 2nd place to his adult children. The kids know it. They could care less. I finally came to the point I am not even nice to them anymore. I just tell them exactly the way it is. He uses it against me. Its time for you to make a plan to move on.

Answer 6

Okay... he's incompetent as a parent and not moving in a hurry toward being your partner either. He could be a very sweet man, but not a great catch for a long term relationship.

You haven't done your job as a parent if your kids keep bouncing back into your home. Please do not think you can change this guy or make him any different of a parent than he's been to the ones who keep creeping back to him.

Apples don't fall far from trees.

Answer 7

Sweetie, men are different than women. They will stay in a non-committed relationship forever if "their" needs are being met. I have been told and know as well that when men really "want" you, they make a way. Men do what they want do. Women sacrifice but men really don't, sorry men, you know what I mean. So, that said, you really do know the answer to your question. It is very hard to leave after investing so much time, but you are throwing more of your life into a big black hole. Why don't you give him the heave ho and see if "absence really does make the heart grow fonder". If you don't leave him now, he will never marry you later. Wish you strength to do the right thing for yourself. P.S. When he finds his right woman, he will probably marry her in a minute. It never fails.

Answer 8

I feel bad for you! It is hard to leave him because of your six years invested. He is a male and is afraid of commitment. Yes most males are me being included. He is using his kids as a cushon sorry can't spell that word... and probably wants to still be with you unconditionally but is a fraidy cat...

Give him an ultamadem, probably spelled that one wrong too... sry. but anyway yup in a kindest, warmest, loving, open-minded way tell him that you are ready to move forward within your life and your life together and make him make a decision.

Remember hope for the best and expect the worst.

Answer 9

if the relation inspires you uncertanty and depression it is probably time you give your life a change..a relation is good when you learn something from it and you grow as a better person ....if the feelings you are experimenting are those described it is time for you to reconsider your life. Love doesn't bring depression, it brings joy and serenity, self esteem and will to share it with the world...go on and try living your life with joy......even if it means leaving him....it could be the best step u take in your life...

good luck

Answer 10

The fact that you are having doubts should tell you something. I think if your not happy, you need to do what it takes to make you happy. If you want to get married and he doesn't, that just means you are headed down different paths and that's OK, no need for either one of you to feel bad, just find someone that wants the same things as you. But it sounds like you have defiantly given it a chance.
Best wishes darling!

Answer 11

This guy enjoys emotional manipulation. He got to stay with you even after getting un-engaged. Now that's a neat trick.

The 23 year old who limped back into the nest is much more important to him than you are. "Move on" and find a gentleman instead.