Is it normal for a 4 year old to say "I hate you"?

Question

His father doesn't think so.

Answer 1

Toddlers that age don't have the vocabulary to properly express their feelings which can be intense. Four-year-olds are really challenged (behavior wise)...more than 2 yr olds. Our daughter did this a lot for a while and outgrew the phase. They want reassurance that you will still love them even though they are feeling intense feelings. So, in a nutshell, it's quite normal. Just reassure the child that you "still love them." and ignore the issue and eventually they'll outgrow that phase :)

Answer 2

Absolutely 100% normal. I've spent many years as a nanny and Mother. At around four or five rules are asserted by adults and that hurts them. The only power they have that can hurt the adults in return is saying I hate you!

The best thing to do is sit them down and explain how it makes you feel, ask what you've done to hurt them, apologize, and explain why you did the thing that hurt them.

I found if you do this, that phase can be over in a few months. My last resort after getting six months of this behavior from one of my sons was to say I hate you back, and refused to play with him or do anything for him or even look at him for a few minuets, ten have that talk again. He then realized the true implications of what he said. Touch wood, he hasn't been like that for a year now.

A an aside: if u believe Freudian bol****s its the time of the Electra or Oedipus complex, when they try to push away the same sex parent to control the love of the opposite sex parent. But I've found this behavior to be directed at whoever upsets the child.

TOTALLY NORMAL

Answer 3

My son was 3 years old when he started telling me that he didn't love me. He never actually said he hated me, but he got to the point where he didn't want anything to do with me when his father was home.

He would not give me a kiss or hug and when his father would say, "you love mom" he'd reply, "no I don't. I don't love her".

It really hurt my feelings and I thought for sure something was wrong with what I was doing in raising him. I did not let him get away with things, but I did not spank, etc. My husband and I were not fighting either so it wasn't that he was imatating my husband either.

I finally took him to the doctor and the doctor checked him out and then had the nurse take him into another room so he could talk with me. He told me that this is a stage that a lot of kids go through. Since this was an opposite sex thing (mom vs. son and not mom vs. daughter) that it probably was not much to be worried about.

At this age the child usually starts wanting to be with the parent of the same sex and not wanting any interference from the other one.

The child will also pick up on if what they say upsets you and gets you to do what they want. The doc told me not to ask him anymore if he loved me, for my husband not to ask and not to tell him that he does. I could still tell him I loved him, but don't give him the chance to reply anything. I was to continue with all I was doing...hugs and disipline, if he did something wrong, and within a year or less he'd get back to "normal".

I almost flipped when he said a year, but I followed what he said and it was about 3 months of him not saying anything to me when I would tell him I loved him. It was the longest 3 months of my life at that time! Soon after though, I was reading to him in bed and gave him a kiss and tucked him in and told him I loved him and sweet dreams and he actually put his arms around my neck and told me "I love you". I cried all evening with tears of joy!

If you are uncomfortable with it, you can always call you doctor and ask what to do, but I think I would not call any attention to it and totally ignore when he says it.

I know it's hard..I know it hurts...good luck from someone that has been there!

Answer 4

Yes it is normal, but not accepted, If you want them to realize this is not a good thing to say to someone, this is when you have the opportunity to do so, with the least amount of punishment, and bad effects on you and the child.
You can't go around saying that to people and get a good reaction from it. You and I know that. We know it because our parents taught us this very fact when we were your 4 year old age. I am afraid only talking to the child will not do the trick, this is going to take a little physical reenforcement to make it stick. I am not saying spank I am saying physically making the child sit in the corner or time out. lose tv time,play time something like that.
Best way is to take away a toy or something that the person he is stating he hates has given tohim or promised him. This way he learns to not treat people badly if he intends to gain something from them he wants later.
Bad mouthing anyone does not get you the prize later in life and if they learn it now, they will be so much happier in the later years of life. and so will you.

Answer 5

Perfectly normal! And, offer them a favourite treat and you'll be their "bestest friend". Kids that age haven't yet learned control, etc. and life tends to be black or white - all good or all bad - love or hate. At that age tantrums can be an everyday occurance - wait 10 minutes and you'll see another side to the child.

Answer 6

It is "normal", however, it should not be "acceptable" behavior, does that make sense? i.e. my dd has said that before, however, I promptly informed her that it is "not OK" to talk to me like that.... that if she is feeling mad, she needs to use the words "I'm mad" but not say "I hate you" because that hurts my feelings. She understood what this meant, and I think that it's just important that parents do not tolerate being spoken to like this. Kids, even if raised with proper language and modeling by parents, will still try the "I hate you" statement to see if they can get a rise out of you, to see if it gets them anything, and that is the case for us. But parents need to know how to nip it in the bud. Establish that it is not going to be acceptable for family members to treat each other this way/talk to each other this way, and kids will get it.

Answer 7

My daughter tried saying that. I said you may hate me, but, I think you might be upset with me, or you might be hurt by me. They are just learning their ways of expressing themselves. They may know they have an emotion they need to express, but, aren't sure what emotion it really is.
When your child says it the next time, think back on the situation, and see if there is another "expression" that could be used, and explain the difference to them.
Might help.

Answer 8

If he heard it somewhere else. I would nick it in the bud now because it is a sign of things to come. Put him in the naughty chair in the corner for 5 minutes. Tell him it is not nice to tell people you hate them. Do not allow him out of the naughty chair until he apologizes and verbalizes what he said wrong.
Good luck.

Answer 9

Yup. What took them so long!

Here's some serious advice. Especially if you are the mom and the child is a boy - make sure you win your battles DECISIVELY now. Otherwise you are going to have a real problem on your hands for years to come.

Answer 10

if its cos your telling them no or telling them off then i think most 4 year olds do. i know my 4 year old says it to me when he isnt getting his own way. i just say well thats a shame cos i love you and he hates that! he soon stops it.

hes also starting to go through a phase of calling me emma rather than mammy which i know isnt right. he just wont stop it!