ANYONE no ANY good JOKES?

Question

BEST ONE GET 10 FREE POINTS!!!

Answer 1

Yep... I sure could use those ten points!!! Let me have a go...

Friendship
A man leaves home to go fight in the Crusades and decides that his wife should wear a chastity belt in his absence. So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

The husband leaves on horseback and about half an hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is what marriage is about:
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered....

"THE TEETH"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why I Fired My Secratary:
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.

My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How Much Do You Love Your Mother?...
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." Luv Ya, Mama

Answer 2

Haven't seen very many question askers, who actually make sure that the funniest one actually get the ten points.

Sounds like a "Bait & Switch" sales pitch employed by used car salesmen..

You shouldn't just leave it up to the voters, to do something that you hinted that you would get done.

Rather dishonest to put out that attraction to get people to do your asking.

But I will give it one more shot.


God and the Harley Davidson Inventor


Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Answer 3

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

Answer 4

Ok, it's not a joke but it's still funny to me.

I was outside with my 7 year old niece(Gabby) one day. She has a real southern accent(where she got it?- i don't know). But as we were sitting outside, she looks up and wipes her forehead. Then she turns to me and says: "Machaelle(Michelle), I feel some wet stuff drippin' down on mey(me)." So then I answer her saying, "umm... yeah, it's called rain Gabby."

Answer 5

An old man was sitting on a park bench. A young, hot woman came up to him and said, "I'm here to give you super sex! ;) "

He said, "I'll take the soup."

Answer 6

yo momma's so fat that when she swam in the ocean Spain tried to claim her as the New World.

OR . . .

What do you call four mexicans in quick sand? ******.

Answer 7

a man says, "my mother fell off a balcony and she is now in heaven."
the other man asks, "did she bounce that far?"

Answer 8

what did the traffic light say to the driver.
Answer: don't look at me i'm changing

Answer 9

How do you kill a blonde??

give her a gun and tell her its a hair dryer.