jokes!!!!??

Question

does any one have any funny jokes?

Answer 1

It is a bit long, but worth the read.

ANGER MANAGEMENT 101

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a_s_s_hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a_s_s_hole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a_s_s_hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a_s_s_hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for... I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot.

The idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a_s_s_hole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a_s_s_hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?", I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a_s_s_hole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a_s_s_holes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a_s_s_hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen..."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a_s_s_hole."

Then I called A_s_s_hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a_s_s_hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a_s_s," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a_s_s_hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two a_s_s_holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better -

This is "Anger Management" at its very best.

Answer 2

guy comes home to see his mom one day only to find that she is unconcious on the floor. he calls 911 and they take her to the hospital.
so his mom is being examined in the er and he is waiting for results.soon the doctor comes out.
doc says "i got some good news and some bad"
guy says "gimme the good 1st."
doc says "well since your mother was very healthy she will prolly live for 20 or 30 more yrs."
guy says "ok. gimme the bad news"
doc "well she has had a massive stroke which has left 75% of her body paralyzed. she can no longer do her daily routine alone, such as eating, showering, brushing her teeth, or going to the bathroom by herself anymore. so you will have to feed her baby food 3 times a day, shower her, groom her, and change her diapers for the next 20 or 30 more yrs."
guy goes "o my god....thats awful" and starts crying.
doc laughs and goes "nah im just kidding with ya...she's dead!"

i know its wrong but YOU KNOW some ppl are laughing rite now.
(its from the 3rd blue collar comedy movie, in case some ppl recognize it. its not my own joke.)

Answer 3

okay here goes. hope you find them funny.

When Jim walked into the office, he knew something was up. There was a message on his desk that the boss wanted to see him as soon as he arrived. The boss didn't look very happy when Jim reported to his office. The older man didn't say anything, he just pointed at the newspaper on his desk. It was opened to the sports page, and there was a picture of a smiling Jim, holding up the trophy for winning the local golf tournament the day before. "I just checked. You called in sick yesterday!" the boss said. "What if everybody just claimed to be sick and took off whenever they wanted to? What do you have to say for yourself?" There was a moment of silence in the big corner office, until Jim finally spoke up, "I was really surprised to win the tournament, sir. I have never played that well. Think of the score I could have had if I hadn't been sick!"

One day Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water to cook dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared as I am, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
A young man reported for his first day of work at a supermarket. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Answer 4

The Sunbather
Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all

of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second,

she decided that no one could see her way up there, and

she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up

the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just

pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager

of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof,

but we would very much appreciate your wearing a

bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather

calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm

covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying

on the dining room skylight."

Answer 5

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"OK, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of a$$!"

Answer 6

the best goal keeper in the world is a woman.. coz no matter how hard or which way u f*ck her, u cant get the balls in!!!


Q. How to satisfy a woman??
A. Love, caress, cuddle, hug, respect, worship, tease, pamper, rub, spoil, fascinate, excite, kiss, console and adore..

Q. How to satisfy a man??
A. Blo*job!!!

Answer 7

There was this man who was engaged to a very beautiful woman and he was to get married in a matter of days.But his soon to be wife's little sister kept giving him lustful looks, bending over in front of him. one day the little sister called the fiance and asked for help because she was "sick" and needed help. He went over to the house and she was waiting for him, she was at the top of the staris took off her panties and threw them at him and said" if you want me come upstaris if you dont walk out of this house. the man turned and walked out of the house and was greated by the father and mother they said "you passed the test welcome to the family son." the moral of the story KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR!!!!

Answer 8

1

Answer 9

yes

Answer 10

that last one was stupid... i would rather put my weiner in a meat grinder.... im sorry i dont...