Am I too hard on my children?

Question

I have a loving wife and 2 children, a son 13 and a daughter 16. I am an old fashioned and strict man. I believe my house rules are fair for my children. Afew examples are that the children are to tell me when and where they are going each day and must be home for dinner with the family 6:30 if they are not home they are punished and recieve no dinner. I do not tolerate back talked to and require my children to address any adult as Sir or ma'am including their parents. The daily chores are divided equally among my children and if they are not done when told they they are to stay in their room for the rest of the day. My daughter is not to wear makeup of any sort unless it is a formal occasion and is dressed as a respectable young lady should be dressed. My daughter is also not allowed to date or to be alone with boys until she is 18 years of age. The same goes for my son in the correct respects. They do not have cell phones or televisions in their rooms.please let me know your thoughts

Answer 1

I applaud your interest in your children's lives and your convictions.

Not only do you set reasonable groundrules, your children know exactly what to expect if they do not follow the rules. You are not abusing them by withholding a meal. They know the consequences of being late, so it's their decision as to whether to come home in time to eat. I'm sure if they had a valid reason for being late, you wouldn't deny them food.

I have to tell you I was appalled when my kid started to go to school and the teachers were being called by their first name by the students! Where's the discipline and structure? Obviously, it is up to us the parents to instill it into them.

We had one TV in the house growing up, and I continue that in my house. It's in the family room - We gather together and watch it as a family, thus the term "family room". There is no TV during dinner, and everyone is expected to attend. Everyone contributes to the conversation at dinner, and unless there is a school project or homework to be done, no one gets up from the table until everyone is finished eating.

If it was not raining and between 50-90 degrees we were expected to be outside enjoying the fresh air. Our library of books far outnumbered our library of movies, so we were rarely bored.

My friends never knew, nor did they care if they were stepping over the bounds. They constantly broke their curfews, and messed up in school. I would get a lot of ribbing from my friends because I never challenged my parents bounderies.

They used to tell me to rebel against my parents - that we lived in a free country called America - Well my parents had a philosophy too. I happened to agree with them. Their house was not a democracy. I did not pay taxes to have the honor of living under their roof. I got free room, food, laundry, quality clothing, and modest expense allowance for incidentals ($5/wk). My parents felt that a purchase that required more than $5 would require them to know about it. (Don't get me wrong - I wanted for nothing! My dad still can't know that I want something without going out and buying it for me.) They just wanted to know what I was doing and who I was doing it with. My friends with bigger allowances bought beer and cigarettes.

I guess I always felt that the few freedoms I gave up for the sake of my parents peace of mind was a small price to pay for the love and generosity I received from them.

FYI - For all of you guys who say your kid's gonna turn out to be a sex crazed crack 'ho - As you can see, my parents were exactly the same way with my brother and myself - And guess what - I have a Masters Degree and I was a virgin when I got married, we're still very happily married after 10 years - and also have 2 adorable kids . I'm darn proud of that!!!

Answer 2

The only thing I really don't agree with is the no dinner part. They are already being punished for being late and children shouldn't be denied a nutritious meal as well as time with the family. Regarding your daughter and makeup, you may want to ease up a bit. Girls that age like to feel pretty and makeup, when applied proplerly, can do that. Dressing respectably is something more parents need to address with their children of both genders. The dating thing can be tricky. I wasn't allowed to date until the age of 18 either and I ended up marrying, and divorcing, the first man I got involved with. My kids have televisions in their rooms but they are only allowed to watch them on the weekends IF they have done their chores for the week.

Answer 3

I am impressed, but as I am young I think you may want to relax some of your rules cause you can be certain the your girl wears makeup ( just when she leaves the house). I can speak form experiance that you kids do have boyfriends/ girlfriends but yopu just don't know about it. By having these extreamly srtict rules you are allowing them to rebel against you. I understand the thinking behind the rules but not being able to bend the rules only means they do it behind your back. You would rather know that your daughter was going out to a party rather than think she is at a church convention....... Putting limits on what she wears is not fair as I'm guessing the same is not done for your son. Let her wear her short skirts and teeny tiny tops, she will soon get over it! You may be a little hard on your children but then again who isn't. You are setting boundaries and that is good. You may want to re-think the rule about calling you Sir, that is just silly! For other adults yes, but for parent should be mom and dad. Mom and dad gives a more personal connection to you. Sir and Ma'am is not at all personal, they are your children allow them to be a little less formail with you. Or they may never form a real loving realtionship with you because you seem so far away. Sir is a cold name, when you think of the word dad you smile.

Your rules are good but some of them need to be revise to suit a 21st Century family. Feel the love!

God bless!

Answer 4

Over all, I think its great...although I do think you could relax a little bit. The only areas I would suggest is in the dating, and make up.
A little mascara and lip gloss is no big deal, but maybe draw the line at eyeshadows and blushes, since that is generally where girls go over board and end up lookin like a hooker.
Now as far as dressing goes, I'm all for your rules. I see girls between the ages 13-18 wearing clothes that would put a street walker to shame and their daddies doing nothing about that, so there, I toally say WTG!
With the dating, if you put too much restiction then they will end up sneaking and you really do not want that then they will do more than you can imagine, because they are already sneaking so the reckless attitude is already there. I think if you allow monitored dating you will find the kids will behave more and too, you will have control over the situation. At 16, your daughter is probably already dating, but you just don't know it, or the boy, becuase she has to hide it. Whereas if you allowed it, they could hang out together at your place and you could monitor it, get to know the boy. Plus, dating skills are something that have to be taught. If you never teach her how to behave properly on dates, and give her the chance to do so, then what kind of skills will she have when she goes off to college or university?? She'll be a fish out of water and her new friends will be telling her whats ok and not ok to do on dates...so think of relationships as something you need to teach your children how to be in and the more control you have over it the better your kids will come out...with more smarts on how to take care of themselves.... Now..as far as the cell phone goes..I think they should have one. Especially if they are involved in afterschool activities or church organizations. That way whenever they are away attenting such you will always have a way to get in contact. My rule with my sons cell is he always has to carry it when he leaves the house and he always has to answer it. Too, I think kids having cells is safer in this modern society.

Anyway....I'd say over all you're doing great, better than most..but there are a few areas that could use improving.

Answer 5

As a mother of 2 daughters and grandmother of 2(almost 3) I would have to say you are being too strict.It appears that you do not temper your "rules" with any justice.It appears you punish everything.One day you will realize you cannot punish your children into being a good person.Obedience is not respect.Give your children some room to grow, to be responsible and to make choices.,You cannot protect them from the world so be a loving parent and prepare them for it.I agree that children should have structure in the home , but it should still feel like a home not a prison.You don't mention your children's friends. They are an important influence in your children's life, get to know them. There is nothing wrong with your teen daughter going out as a group.Remember you have to trust your children once they leave the house.Don't be so harsh, let your children have good memories of their home life.They are young only once and you can't relive it to make it right.

Answer 6

It doesn't sound like you have a very loving or close relationship with your children.
Most of your punishments seem excessive. The calling of their parents Sir and Ma'am? You are their parents not an outside adult. Loosen up. Try having them write an essay explaining why they were late, were there any extenuating circumstances? Ex: One of your daughters friends was hurt at school and she wanted to make sure that she was okay and went home with her. Yes she should have called but in her worry she forgot. Punishment, no. Talking to her and reinforcing the need to call home yes. Try seeing things from their side. If they have no accecpable excuse then yes, reprimand them and discuss with them what you think is a fair punishment for what they have done.
Growing up is about learning to make good decisions. It doesn't seem like you let them make any decisions. Do you talk to your children about the issues they face everyday? Peer pressure? Their wants and needs? What they think is fair? Do you compromise on anything or is it just you rule the roost?
Don't push your children away from you by being so rigid. have faith in them. I am sure they are wonderful children coming into adulthood.

Answer 7

I myself am also a parent, first off everybody was raised differently than eachother, and who really is to say if you are too hard or not, they are your kids. But if you would like my opinion, I do think it is wrong to not feed your kids if they come home after 6:30. I mean do they play sports or are they in any music programs for school? Because when I was in school when we would have practice or music concerts sometimes things go past there scheduled time of departure. So if they were gone because of something like that, then I do think it is wrong. If they are gone with their friends, and that is what you don't like then maybe you could set 1 or 2 days a week for friends, like Friday or Saturday. That is when most school stuff happens, and kids do need to have some sort of a social life. They need to know how to have different interactions with people. As long as you teach your kids rite from wrong then you can trust your kids will do rite, maybe with an occasional oops, because nobody is perfect. With the Sir and Ma'am thing that is your preferance, I personally call my parents Mom and Dad, but it is very good that you teach your kids respect for their elders. GOOD JOB there, kids now days need more respect. The thing about them not being alone with the opp. sex until they are 18, that is not to strict. If they want to go out with friends, most teens like to go in groups with their friends. With the make-up, if your daughter has clear skin, then there is not really too much need for make-up, but if it is not and she feels self-coinscience about some blemishes then I would let her get some powder or something just to put on the blemishes, she dosen;t need it all over her face where the skin is fine. Also lip gloss is almost the same thing as chap stick, so that is not bad for her to wear. There are even some lip gloss products that have uv protection for for lips and moisturise. No t.v in the room is not too strict, there is nothing wrong with that. Cell phones are handy to have in case of an emergency, like if your car gets a flat, or if you are running late for something important (family dinner) if there was an accident, just along those lines. But they can also be very costly if they are used too much, but now they also have family share plans and things like that, but no cell phone is not too bad, there are always payphones. They now are 50 cents for one local call. I hope this helps out some! :-)

Answer 8

Depriving children of food is a form of child abuse. While some of your ideas on parenting seem to be rooted in good intentions, it does seem that you may be creating a monster here. It appears that your rules are so rigid that they have no room to grow and experience the world. When they leave your home, it may be that they are so overprotected that they may not know what to do. Also, it has been my experience that these children often end up rebelling and going the complete opposite direction of what you intend. Can't you find some middle ground? It's okay to want respect and order in your home. Chores, manners, appropriate dress are good things. But does the punishment have to be so harsh? Finally, whatever you choose to do, it is crucial that your rules are grounded in love for them. Remember to communicate love to them daily. Be verbal with your praise, admiration and messages of love as this is the only way that children can know for sure that you love them.

Answer 9

I think its nice that you have them home for dinner with the family. I dont think this should be all the time however, it should still be okay for them to spend the evenings with friends on occasion(as long as you know the friend, and family) I dont agree with not giving them dinner, I dont think you should ever deny food to your children. Also I think by the time a young lady is 16 she should be able to apply a "modest" amount of makeup. I think women are more beautiful without makeup, but I am aware that makeup can help with temporary confidence. Everything else sounds pretty fair to me

Answer 10

i also believe in house rules but i think you are being abit too strict. late for dinner and they can't have any, do you not think that is a form of abuse???
i think it is important to teach your children to respect adults but calling everyone sir and ma'am seams to me to be a bit formal especially if its to their own parents, whats wrong with mum and dad.
it is important that children have chores around the house and i agree that they should not go out until they are done but not be grounded all day.
i think children should (to a certain extent) be allowed to choose their own clothes with the rule that they cannot have anyting that portays a tarty or offensive image.
i think 18 is quite old to start dating, is there anything wrong really with her going to the cinema or for a meal at 16 as long as she has a curfew and dresses appropriately and it is agreed that you can meet the boyfriend before they go out (don't go psycho on him though!!)
i can't see why your son from 14 can't do the same as the above.
i do agree that children should not have dvd's, tv's or games consoles in their room but i do see the advantages of them having a mobil phone. if they have a problem and need to contact you urgently they have the means.
as i said, i firmly believe in rules and structure but by being too strict i think you distance yourdelf from your children and cause them to be different from people in their age group which in turn makes them prey to bullying.
if you are firm but fair you will have their love and respect.

Answer 11

No, I do not think that you are to hard on them. My parents were the same way and I turned out fine. The only difference is that my parents wanted me to call them "Mom and Dad". If I thought that I would be late for dinner, then I would have to call and then have a dam good excuse. I had to ask permission to go anywhere, (like a friends house), and had to be back at the time specified.