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if it is the funniest one, i'll give you ten points.

2006-07-08 09:05:32 · 26 answers · asked by [[keetr//mary]] 3 in Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

26 answers

1)TEACHER--IS THERE ANY VEGETABLE WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH "Q"?
> > MAK -- " CUCUMBER "!
> > 2)MAK - WHICH PEN DO U USE?
> > ANNA - SAM'S PEN!
> > MAK - WHICH CYCLE DO U USE?
> > ANNA - SAM'S CYCLE!
> > MAK - WHICH UNDERWEAR DO U USE?
> > ANNA - SAM'S UNDERWEAR!
> > MAK - I HAVE NVR HEARD ABOUT A COMPANY NAMED "SAM"
> > ANNA - ITS NOT A COMPANY NAME,ITS MY BOYFRIEND'S NAME!
> > 3)PATIENT - WHAT DID THE X-RAY REPORT OF MY HEAD SHOW?
> > DOCTOR - HMMM... NOTHING!
> > 4)Q: WHY DID THE ORANGE GO TO DOCTOR?
> > A: IT WASN'T 'PEELING' WELL!
> > 5)MAK - I HAD 12 CHOCOLATES,
> > 3 I GAVE TO ANNA,
> > 4 I GAVE TO RINA,
> > 3 I GAVE TO LINA,
> > WHAT DO I GET?
> > SAM - NOTHING!
> > MAK - NO! I GOT 3 GIRLFRIENDS!

2006-07-08 09:07:17 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 4 6

Haven't seen very many question askers, who actually make sure that the funniest one actually get the ten points.

Sounds like a "Bait & Switch" sales pitch employed by used car salesmen..

You shouldn't just leave it up to the voters, to do something that you hinted that you would get done.

Rather dishonest to put out that attraction to get people to do your asking, and not following through on your part.


Computer Programmer and The Frog

A computer programmer happens across a frog as he was walking down a road.

The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week".

The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week".

The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!".

The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex....but a talking frog is pretty neat."

2006-07-09 03:42:45 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Joke 1: Son: Dad, I don't like the holes in this cheese!
Father: That's ok son. Just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the other side of your plate.
Joke 2: How many firefighters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
Joke 3: What did the big strawberry say to the little strawberry?
If you weren't so sweet, we wouldn't be in this jam!
Note: Jam means being in a difficult situation.
Please give me ten points.

2006-07-08 17:12:56 · answer #3 · answered by Mike 2 · 0 0

A guy comes home after losing a lot of money, playing golf.

A few minutes later his wife comes home from work with a new fur coat.

Her husband says "Hey how did you get this?" She says that her boss won the lotto and this is her share. This happens a few times, first the coat and then a car and then jewelry etc. One night the wife gets home really tired out and asks her husband to run her bath, which he then does. But only fills it up an inch.

She gets in and says to him "Why did you put in so little water?"

"Well, WE DON'T WANT YOUR LOTTO TICKET GETTING WET NOW DO WE?!"

2006-07-08 16:13:12 · answer #4 · answered by Pinky 5 · 0 0

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure"? she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead"?

"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150.

2006-07-08 16:37:54 · answer #5 · answered by just me 4 · 0 0

A new teacher shows up for a third grade class that she has been warned about being rowdy. The starts the morning by walking down each aisle and whopping each kid upside the head. She then goes to the blackboard and says "children my name is Mrs. Johnson, now that I have introduced myself, I want each one of you to stand up, give me your name and give me a sentence with the work evidently in it. The first little girl stands up and says "my name is Mary and evidently your the new teacher. Then a little boy stands up and says "My name is Billy and evidently you mean business. Then a third little boy stands up and says " My name is Johnny, may I ask a question before I give you my sentence. Mrs. Johnson says "OK, what is your question." Johnny asks "Mrs. Johnson, do farts have lumps." Mrs. Johnson answers "Why no Johnny they don't" Johnny says "Well then, evidently you just knocked the crap out of me."

2006-07-08 17:14:33 · answer #6 · answered by Birdlegs 5 · 0 0

Cinderella - an update

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with an elderly cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied, "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her golden rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her long golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered ..........

"I bet you're sorry you neutered me."

2006-07-08 17:20:41 · answer #7 · answered by zglaana 1 · 0 0

man of words what have you been smokin.... jeez.

neway

whats black and white and eats like a horse???

ans. A zebra.


Morriss dancing....ring any bells??


i went to the doctors, he said you have hypocondria. i said 'oooooh no! not that aswell'


I work in a health food shop, a man walked in and said to me 'soya chunks' i said 'you shouldnt of been looking!!' He replied 'celulite???' i asked 'how much'.

You invented tipex.....correct me if im wrong??


Today i went shoplifting on the shoulders of four vampires, i was charged with theft on 4 counts.


My doctor told me i am turning into an airport, i asked... is it terminal???


i worked in a hair dressers for a while, a girl walked in and said, i would like to buy some shampoo, i said, extra volume?? she replied 'SHAMPOO!!!!!!!!!'



Black beauty, he was a dark horse.


I went to the gym the other day and said, hello mr nasium, can you teach my how to do the splits, he said, how flexible are you, i replied, i cant make tuesdays.


THAT HAS TO BE WOTH TEN POINT BABY.

2006-07-08 16:30:24 · answer #8 · answered by tom1122bb 2 · 0 0

(Mature content)

Their is a mother, pregnant with triplets.
She was walking in the park when she got shot three times in the tummy.
All the babys lived but the doctors said it was too dangorus too take the bullets out.
16 years later, the first daughter comes in screaming say "Mom I was peeing and I peed out I bullet!" and the mom told her not too be scared and told her the story of what happened 16 years ago. Then the other daughter walked in and said "Mom I was peeing and a bulltet came out!" the mother said "relax" and told her the story about what happened 16 years ago. Then the boy walked in and said "Mom I," and she said "I know, I Know" and he said "NO! I WAS JERKING OFF AND I SHOT THE DOG!"
--
Heres another one >>

Little mary wasn't the best sunday student. She day-dreamed in class and could never remember the verses.
Little johny, that sat behind her was the perfect little sunday student, the kind that answered all the teachers questions correctly.
Well, one sunday the teacher asked little mary that was day-dreaming "Mary, who did god create too save us from our sins?" Johny poked mary with a pencil and she yelled "Jesus Christ!" and the teacher said "correct!" then she said "who is our creator mary?"" Johny poked her again and she yelled "god almighty!" and the teacher said "correct!" then the teacher said, "what did jesus's mother say after giving birth too him?" and johny poked her again, she quickly screamed "YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL KILL YOU!"
--
And the teacher fainted.

2006-07-08 16:17:43 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

A black guy, a mexican, and a white dude find a genie in a bottle, they each get one wish.
The black guy asks that all of his brothers are sent back to Africa happy & wealthy...POOF all the blacks are in Africa.
The mexican asks that all his homeboys are sent back to Mexico happy & wealthy...POOF all the mexicans are in Mexico.
The white guy looks at the genie and asks ,"So all the ******* & spics are out of the USA?"
"Yup" Says the Genie
The white guy says "ill have a coke then"

2006-07-08 16:16:43 · answer #10 · answered by lildarlinkristisue 3 · 0 0

Three nuns are walking down the street minding their own buisness. A man runs up to them and flashes them. The first one had a stroke , the second one had a stroke and the third one wouldn't touch it.

2006-07-08 16:12:07 · answer #11 · answered by JPEVH 1 · 0 0

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