advice re childs visits to her dad.?

Question

Me and my daughters dad split up before she was born. We have always maintained an amicable relationship.
Recently our child has been staying overnight with her dad once every fortnight. Whilst I will always say that he loves her and she loves him he is not very good at discipling her and will (understandably) let her have all her own way (she is 4)
She keeps coming back tired and sick - again today as she has been eating sweets all day and has just sat in front of the TV although I even took her bike across to encourage him to take her to the park.
She has said she is bored at her dads (unpromted) and that she doesn't want to go over anymore.
I would never stop her seeing him but should I encourage him to see her during the day for the forseeable future and stop the overnight visits or not??
Any advice please. Thank you

Although she only stays over once a fortnight she does see him every week normally on a sat between 9 -4. I do send over packs for her and I have repeatedly told him and discussed with him how I feel she is best disciplined and best entertained.

Answer 1

You say you have talked to her dad repeatedly. Your daughter is unhappy and that does not solve anything for anyone. Its good you want your child to have contact with her dad and this should be kept up.
Personally I would stop her going to her dads overnight and just go back to day time visits.
That way everyone benefits and maybe start the overnight ones when your daughter is alittle older and more capable of telling her dad what entertains her. Good luck

Answer 2

First of all, congratulations for managing to keep things amicable between you and your daughters Father.

I would definitely say that you need to discuss some issues with her Father, just try to angle it as a "helpful discussion" rather than a criticism. What may help a lot is to give him a list of foods that your daughter will eat - with an emphasis on the healthier things.

If your daughter has said she gets bored over there I would suggest packing some of her toys for her to take, and also it would be a good idea to let him have her just for the day instead of overnight - or maybe alternate it. Perhaps he will make more of an effort if he only has her for one day rather than a whole weekend.

You could talk to him about how you have taken your daughter to certain places and how much she loved them (photos optional) and then he will start to realise that he will get much more from his relationship with his daughter if he makes a bit more of an effort.

Best of luck. This sort of situation is never easy but it can work out well all round if everyone is aiming for the same thing, and it sounds like you are both trying to keep your daughter happy so that is a good start.

Answer 3

i would continue with the arrangement that you have with her father for a few different reasons. FIRST it sounds like the court isn't involved... and that is best for everyone... don't rock that boat
SECOND you need to encourage the child to visit her father BECAUSE that is her obligation. you do NOT want a four year old calling the shots, she will learn to walk all over you. THIRD if you suggest that the over nights stop this will probably cause upset with her father and then, at FOUR YEARS OLD, she will learn to play one parent against the other. what i would suggest is talking to her father ahead of time about the things she is saying and then the three of you set down together and tell her the rules... THE RULES THAT BOTH HOUSES WILL FOLLOW. and it's important that you start showing a united front as soon as possible. for example, if your daughter is grounded from the t.v. for one week, that should follow over at her father's house also... and vice virsa. it's just important to have the same rules... kids learn soon enough how to manipulate their parents and it's easy to do if they think there is any disharmony! and there will be a lot of things the two of you don't agree on over the years (you and the ex) i know what's happening now seems like a big deal because it's the only experience you've ever had... but believe me, the problems could, and can be/get worse! be prepared to have all of these same problems and bigger ones once their are step parents involved... that's a whole other can of worms... here is a site that may be helpful to you in your current situation. http://www.humsci.auburn.edu/parent/divorce/
BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!

Answer 4

She is only 4. it's a bit young for her to understand what is happening. You have to think long-term, not short-term! This is why ...

At the moment you have a good relationship with your ex husband. Was he to feel that you were taking away something from him (Your daughter staying overnight) He might react in a manner you wouldn't like! Might see it as a threat against his parental rights.

Wouldn't it be best for you both to sit down and talk matters over. Explain that she gets over tired and sick with the sweets. Also that TV is not all that stimulating at her age, and that his time with her would benefit more with other activities, suggest taking her to the park among other things. Also tell him that should she go to bed earlier ... She'd be in far better form the following morning, he could enjoy his time with her a lot more.

It is always tempting to think the way you do and i do accept that you have your daughter';s best interests at heart but you do not know eaxctly how you daughter feels herself? She might feel a bit shy telling him she is not enjoying her stays with him, then again she might feel a bit shy admitting to you that she does! You see she is so young, so vulnerable, and this is such a big thing for her! Daddy and mummy apart, her whole little world has blown apart and she probably feels guilty for enjoying both your and her daddy's company, worries she might hurt either of you more (If she told you) and probably worries that you will both fall out of love with her as well!

It happens so many times! So please be careful! This is such an important time for your daughter, do not rush doing anything that you might regret later on.

Best wishes

Answer 5

Whatever you do, do not force your child to see him if she does not want to.
My mom and dad split up when I was five. My dad had visitation with me- and I was okay with it until I was about 11. Then, I didn't want to go over anymore and I hated it because I was obviously with my mom's side of the family alot more than my dad's so I was more comfortable, plus I had a step mom and her two kids at my dad's house, so I felt lost in the shuffle.
However, my mom and dad did not make me go over and see him when I didn't want to. I am glad, because I probably think that if I had been made to, I would have become bitter. I think sometimes children need a break from the realities of life. Adult problems are too much for their little heads. They just want what is comfortable.
So, don't pressure her in going over, because one day after she is done taking a break, she will want to go to him again. That's just how it works.

Answer 6

Your not alone. Im having problems with my 5 year old and his dad. He keeps telling my son to come home and swear at my partner. If your daughter doesn`t want to see her dad, stop the contact just make sure she knows what it all means. If you really dont want to stop it, change the times he has her. Say a couple of hours in the morning till her dad bucks his ideas up. Good luck

Answer 7

put together a package of toys etc to keep her occupied while shes over there. Dont stop her seeing her father, just have her take some of her favorite things to keep her busy! Art sets etc, dad probably just doesnt know what interests her if she only sees him once a fortnight.

Answer 8

i may be 13 but i know people who have divorced parents try to talk to your daughter and show him pictures of her having fun and tell him that's his daughter make sure he understands the whole situation so he isn't left clueless and try to tell him dad that he has to do fun things with her like the things you do with her and make sure she eats healthy if possible write a timetable that has to be followed because she may end up with cavities also try to keep a close eye on him when she's around and later when shes not round talk to him and make sure he changes its for th best.I want to be a physiologist when I'm older and if that doest work be much stricter than usual as make more changes around make sure her father is there when you explain the changes and make sure he also signs a contract of agreement and you keep it persuade him to also associate with his daughter.
I know this is advice you wont expect off a 13 year old girl but if you think about it your child's character might change

Answer 9

firstly it's great that you have a amicable relationship where your daughter is concerned but if this is going to continue you really need to sit down and have a talk with him and start laying down some ground rules. Your daughter is at an impressionable age and if she gets away with things with her dad she'll start playing you up,,, you need to set a routine to which you and her dad stick to

Answer 10

Perhaps just have a chat to him. Don't place any blame on him as he will go on the defensive side. Just say that she has been a bit sick lately and needs to eat healthily to get her feeling better. Perhaps mention a time that she enjoyed herself around her dads to give him ideas of what she likes. It is great that he wants to see her so enjoy it and enjoy the free time that it gives you.