The best Joke?

Question

Tell me the funniest joke you have ever heard.I am really bored and I need something to laugh at.

Answer 1

The Magician and The Parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or, "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days .. and then 3 days .

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ..... "OK, I give up. Where's the f__kin' ship?"

Answer 2

So a nun and a priest are playing golf together, there half way through the game and the priest lines up with his driver to give a almighty crack to the ball but only connects with fresh air.

"5H1T! MISSED" He cant control his anger over such a stupid mistake, the nun just gives a stony-faced look of disapproval.

So there still on the same hole and the nun has just got onto the green in 3 for a par 5 and the priest is still on the fairway for 4, he cant bear the tension he simply must make par, he patiently lines up with his putting wedge and slices the ball into a sand-trap. "5H1T! MISSED!" he curses. Well the nun really cant take anymore of this and politely asks that he refrains from his unholy utterances in her presence and the presence of the Lord to which he replies "I'll try and tone it down a little"

So they get to the eighteenth hole and the priest has to win the hole to clear the game so the pressure is really on but he's doing well as he hasnt made any utterances so hopefully he stands a chance. He tees off and his ball lands straight into a water hazard on a par 4, he's had it, theres no physical way he can possibly win now and the rage is coursing thru his veins. "F*** IT 5H1TTING WELL MISSED".

The nun has had enough of this and just gets on her knees and starts praying to God to do something about this priests wayward mouth infront of him and one of his faithful servants and to please strike him down with a vengeful blow.

At this the clear skys become black and cloudy, the air rumbles with intense thunder and the clouds start flashing powerful arcs of lighting and then an almighty bolt of lightning falls from the skies, hits the nun, vaporising her body and leaving a imprint of where she was preying.

An apologetic voice from above booms "5h1t, missed".

Answer 3

There were 3 boyz ridin down the road on their bikes. 1 was named shut up, 1 was named manners, and 1 was named dooky. Well, dooky fell off of his bike and manners went to help him up, and shut up went to the store across the street. When he got to the cash register the clerk asked him his name. he said "shut up." The clerk says "excuse me little boy, i asked you what your name was and i didnt want to be smarted off to, so whats your name?" Well, he says "shut up." and the clerk says, "wheres your manners?" And he says, "outside picking up dooky!" LOL i LUV that 1!!!

Answer 4

once a boy wanted to take a shower with his dad.so he asked.dad can i take a shower with you?he said ok,but dont look at my limousine(private spot).the next day he wanted to take a bath with mom.so he asked.mom,can i take a shower with u?she said yes,but dont look at my garage(private spot).
later on the boy said 'mom open the garage so dad could put his limousine in'

Answer 5

(Peetu a lil sardar g at school)
Teacher---what is 4 + 5
Peetu---9
Teacher---very nice, and what is 5 + 4
Peetu---hahhh u think I'm mad... u have just inverted the numbers and the answer is "6"

Answer 6

Q. What do u do with 365 used condoms??
A. Make a tire n call it a "GOOD YEAR"

Answer 7

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded," Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Answer 8

Friendship
A man leaves home to go fight in the Crusades and decides that his wife should wear a chastity belt in his absence. So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

The husband leaves on horseback and about half an hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key."
------------------------------...
This is what marriage is about:
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered....

"THE TEETH"
------------------------------...
Why I Fired My Secratary:
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.

My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.
------------------------------...
How Much Do You Love Your Mother?...
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." Luv Ya, Mama

Answer 9

once there was this guy he was like hey sup and the other guy goes hmm ok wtf you talking about then the other guy goes like uh idk then he goes like hmmm ok? LOL!!!! :p