How long after a spouse dies should you wait to get married again?

Question

I remarried after 7 months. My late wife and I were getting a divorce when she was diagnosed with lung cancer and died 6 weeks later. I stayed with her until the end and I was with her at the moment she died, the rest of her family was not around to be there with her.

6 months later I met a woman that is everything that I ever wanted. We got married. Now the anniversary of my wifes death is coming in a few days and I am feeling very guilty about getting married again.

How long should you wait?

Someone mentioned that people might think I was having an affair with my current wife before my late wife died. My new wife lives in another country. She can't come here for another 6 months. I go to see her as often as I can.

Answer 1

I have been through this type of thing myself. My husband died and starting dating in about 5 months. I met my fiance 7 months after he died, and we moved in together a few months after that. Even though we are not married yet, we live together. My fiance is very understanding, and knew that even though i was dating i was also still mourning my husband and would love him till the end of my time. He understands this and know to keep his distance on certain days. I do not feel guilty about finding someone very special so soon, it was not my intention to get involved that soon, however, how could i pass up on this wonderful man, Fate brought into my life. I had two children from my first marriage, and my finace has been a wonderful father to them, they deserve to have a father in their lives not just on pictures. No one can tell you how long you should wait to get remarried, that is up to you, I would say if you are feeling guilty it was maybe to soon for you. I know in my case, it was too soon for a lot of my friends, and my first husbands friends to see me dating, but in those instance you just have to persevere and know that what you are doing is ultimately right for you and will make you happy. After all, your happiness and that of our kids is what is most important. Not what anyone thinks you should or should not do.

Answer 2

That's a very iffy question. There's a lot of turmoil over a spouse's death. The change is traumatic. You should give yourself time to settle that. In your case, there's the extra stress--planning for a divorce, the cancer diagnosis, sticking by her until she died--to complicate the matter. You have already said you're having guilt feelings over how quickly you moved on.

Women are often counselled not to make any real or drastic changes for at least one year. The husband's death is an enormous blow. Don't sell the house, get serious about a guy, etc--give it a year for "the dust to settle", then start contemplating which changes might be desirable. Except to find something to do with your time--going to school or work, or taking children/grandchildren on trips, some regular volunteer work which benefits the community. This gives some stability when going through what may be the hardest part of the adjustment and keeps a person from being completely alone during that time.

I hope your new marriage works out--that you never have more than this annual wondering if you should have given yourself a bit more time to recover. Perhaps you'll find that, though maybe too soon, you married the just-right woman.

Answer 3

I want to say I commend you for staying with your spouse even though you were splitting up you were there for her and you stood by her side cancer is an awful disease.

Secondly how long you wait is between you, your intended and God. I was in a courtship for 3 years and nine months but my husband and I had special circumstances that we could not "sweep under the rug".

Do you have a peace about what you did by marrying again?

It is normal to feel remorse and guilt hurt and even anger of the anniversary of a spouses death. Some things you never get over some things you get through.

In the Bible when a husband or wife dies you are no longer bound because they are passed on there are always feelings of guilt and regret when a spouse dies whether you had a good or bad relationship.

May God give you the comfort you need at this time and I just prayed for you.

You have nothing to feel guilty about you did not commit adultery and you went on with your life and God blessed you with a wife there are people I know that have not even been giving a first chance at marriage you have been given a second chance.
Enjoy the wife God blessed you with she sounds like a wonderful person.

Answer 4

I don't think you should feel guilty about anything. Your marriage was ending although your wife was terminally ill. You stayed beside her right 'til the very end; not something you can say for your intended x-inlaws. Have you discussed this situation with your new wife??? If you're first marriage was fine; then I'd say you have something with which to feel guilty. It would make one wonder WHY you were in such a big rush to replace someone in your life. People are not broken toys so that we go out and get another one. A friend has a friend who's wife died last October and by early May he was already dating. At least that's when my friend found out. The question comes to mind, just when did he start back into dating? I find that offensive; especially because there was nothing wrong with their marriage. She died from cancer..but what he did was a huge rush. It could be dangerous for the new g/f as well not knowing if he's truly ready for a relationship but in your case; again you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Answer 5

Don't feel bad, you acted very honorably, and you were already working on a divorce, so that means that you were already preparing for a separate life before she fell ill.

Typically when someone suffers a loss, divorce, a significant death, even losing a good job, it takes about two years to fully get through all the stages of grief. BUT, this doesn't mean you should stop living your life during this grief time. It just means you still have some stuff to work out. Allow yourself to still think about your late wife, and recognize that you're still going to feel some pain over a very complicated loss. And also recognize what a great thing you've got going on now.

If the grief and guilt starts to feel unmanageable, don't feel wierd about seeing professional help. When I had been recently divorced I saw a counselor for just a few weeks, and it was really helpful because he let me talk it out, and he told me that there was nothing wrong with me for feeling the way I do. It's nice to hear a pro tell you that nothings wrong with you. And that's what they'd tell you too.

Answer 6

This isn’t a matter that can be settled by any formula or rule.

It has been settled most of the way already, in your own heart and in your actions.

If you had passed by an opportunity to be happy, you would have hurt yourself while benefiting no one. (You might even have felt bitter at your ex-spouse for your own unhappiness at having done so.)

There is something called ‘survivor guilt” which affects people who have been traumatized by deaths of those around them. They feel guilty for having survived.

I lost a beloved nearly 2 years ago. I’ve moved on in stages, a bit at a time. That’s what we all do. Pay respects to your grief, cry when you feel the need to, and release more of the grief and guilt that are in you until the urge to grieve has passed.

If you feel relief in the mix, that’s natural. Really, it’s OK that you feel that too.

Honor the new person you have found and enjoy the new life you are making together.

Never let the dead rob the living for very long.

Answer 7

How long is up to each individual. In past times it was expected that one would wait one year...before that, it was expected that one wouldn't marry again...now days there are no cut and dried 'rules' that one should follow.

It sounds like things between your late wife and you had been not so good since you mentioned you were about to divorce. I commend you for staying beside her though.

In the end it is up to you and your belief's. I think that 6 months is average now, as I have seen several other people do the same thing after that length of time.

You need to realize that your late wife is gone to the next step in 'life' and you also need to let go. It's allright. I'm sure she would understand and probably even be happy for you.

Answer 8

This Site Might Help You.

RE:
How long after a spouse dies should you wait to get married again?
I remarried after 7 months. My late wife and I were getting a divorce when she was diagnosed with lung cancer and died 6 weeks later. I stayed with her until the end and I was with her at the moment she died, the rest of her family was not around to be there with her.

6 months later I met a...

Answer 9

You must have real issues with it or you wouldn't be feeling so guilty. Why you do, is something you'll have to figure out.

How long you wait is really a non-issue, there are no set rules. But, I think you better get this settled in your own mind before you you settle in with your new spouse. It isn't fair for her to have to deal with your baggage and it wasn't right of you to marry her before these issues were settled in your mind and heart!

Good luck!

Answer 10

Should I Get Married Again