read this poem and tell me what do you think?

Question

http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/poems/101/poem_8344313.html

Answer 1

Hazem, I gather that English is not your first language. So with that, you have certainly tried to write something in English and that is to be commended. Let's look at this line by line, ok?

First, get rid of that center justification. Makes your work look like a Christmas tree. Hard to read. Not what poetry is about.

sweetheart... { ellipses, those three dots, are used to show something is left out or the thought is interrupted by some outside agency. Take them out. You need a comma.}
sending to you this Alfie beats .... {this Alfie beats? I have not a clue what that is. Again, lose the ellipses.}
while i am in another world.. {I should be capitalized, and wherever you find those .... take them out.}
a world not belongs to you ...{a world that does not belong to you would be a better way to say it or not belonging to you}
and a life different than yours...

wish that the time will not pass me .. {You forgot the word I here in front}
and take me before i send it ...{again, capitalize the I}
and before been over from this life...{before my life is over; I think is what you mean.}
don`t need a reply from you ...{You again forgot the I in front}
only what i need , is to talk to myself...{Capitalize the I and drop the comma, drop the ... and put in a comma}
myself which i found it {get rid of the word it} with you ...

OK, I am going to stop line by line unless you really want more, in which case write me and we can talk.

What I get from this is you seem to be in love with someone and you don't know who she is. Is that correct? Sounds like an Internet romance. That has some story value. Kipling wrote about Love Beyond the Pale.

I think your readers need to have some room in this poem. Mostly what you have done is say to them, stay out. You are talking to one woman (nameless, featureless, and we know nothing about her). We hear from you that you don't really much care but you love her. End of story. Hardly something any reader would care about.

Poetry is NOT ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL; it is about how you can make other people feel. Write that down 20 times or until you learn it. Get yourself out of the poem. Too much I this and I that. I feel this and I am strong that. Your reader cannot feel anything.

If you wish to write poetry, study poetry. Study modern forms, please. I would suggest things later than Robert Frost but that would be a beginning. You have the urge to write. I commend you for that sentiment. Now, if you had the urge to ride a unicycle, I would say go get lessons. If you had an urge to paint, I would say find a teacher. You wish to write poetry? Writing good poetry is hard. Learn to read and learn to chop away. Just my advice.

Answer 2

On a scale of 1-10 . I give it a 10

Answer 3

Lovesick 3/10. The music and the background are horrible and over the top as well.
Sometimes subtle is better.

Answer 4

this shows that u r awaiting 4 the person u r gonna give ur love to.u have probably loved tht person who is nt yet in ur life since quite a long time and now wanna tell the world abt it.u wana knw who is the love of ur life.

Answer 5

Nice one Hazem

Answer 6

I love it. Its heart warming and it filled my heart with such warmth of love it's magic. You seem like your on clould 9. Floating in heaven, beeing careessed by fluffy pillows.

Answer 7

it needs serious editing

Answer 8

This is beautiful.

Answer 9

I THINK U R IN LOVE DEARRRRRRR.....