is this right?

Question

my husband is currently away on a lads weekend away and i am sat here alone with the four children. He goes away twice a year with lads we have never been away together because grandparents cant have the kids and he wont trust anyone else to have the kids(even my sister). He reasons that because he works such long hours he is entitled to fun time away from us, and because i get to go out (mostly with kids) that i have no cause for complaint. I recently became Christian, which he hated at first, but seems okay now. The trouble is is that i feel i dont get much out of our relationship, and he justifies everything he does by saying " i dont agree with everything you do, but i accept you for that now".So does that mean he can do whatever he likes just because i became christian? He gets angry if i question him about anything, i feel very lonely right now. i take care of the children, mostly by myself. I keep a nice home and i have not let my self go.what can i do to improve things?

Answer 1

Moms need time to relax away from the kids.
I can't imagine a harder job than mothering. Its the only one you can't quit, don't get paid overtime for, can't call out sick and generally have only one other co-worker, who shows up part time and wants credit for full time AND expects a job well done.
Christian or no you must tell your husband you need some time either with him alone (no kids) to rejuvenate the marriage and feel closer to him, or out by yourself (maybe go out with your sister?) Without the kids.
To tell you that he can do whatever he likes because he is big enough to forgive you for things he doesn't like about YOU, is cheap and manipulative. If he doesn't like something about you it sounds like its his problem. Not yours.
No, he can't do whatever he likes because you are a christian. You really shouldn't have to feel lonely or in the marriage by yourself. No matter what religion you are.
Its perfectly ok, to want to take a little time to be without the kids.
Since you are the one who makes all the daily decisions about the best care for the children, you should be confident enough to decide who is safe to sit the kids for a little while. Consider finding a babysitter for a little while as just another thing that Moms must do. A sane mom and a mom who isn't burned out from constant demands....is a mom who can better care for her kids. Your mental outlook is very important to their healthy upbringing.
Go out and relax its okay even for a christian lady, to remember who she was before she was "mommy".

Answer 2

First of all, you need to pray for your marriage. You need to keep the most positive attitude you can, and let your husband see that. I think you should talk to him, and let him know that you want to have time alone with him, just the two of you. Make it about the two of you spending time together, as opposed to complaining that you never get out. I think he'll be more willing to respond to the first one. One of the best things you can do for your children is take care of the relationship between you and your husband. If he doesn't want to leave the kids overnight, would he be willing to go out for just an evening without them? If the two of you do that more often, maybe he will see that it's not that bad, and then he would be willing to try an overnight...and then maybe a weekend...
I also think that you should get out more, without the children! There's nothing wrong with that. Try joining a women's Bible study, and fellowship with the women there.
I don't think your husband can "get away with whatever he likes" now that you're a Christian. I think having a positive and loving attitude, no matter what, will get you far. It must be very difficult since he is not a Christian, but remember that the only thing you can really change is yourself, and your positive attitude will go a long way in making things better.

Answer 3

This is wrong, I am a married man that takes his fishing trip every year, but I also go away with my family and I also urge my wife to go do somthing with her friends... In a realationship you always hear 50/50, as nice as this seemes it may never be. Though there is somthing to be said for trying to make it so. There must be trust and mutual respect in a relationship. Does he realize how hard you work. Well take it from me, a stay at home dad, this is the hardest job I have ever had and I worked construction for 15 years before an injury forced me to retire. I used to think my wife had it easy, boy was I wrong. Anyway your husband shoukld make sure you have a vacation with your friends or with the family. If I were him I would bring you along on the guy trip or make different plans that involved my family.. I am sure he works hard, but he made comitments and his family should always come before his personal pleasure.. Like I said, I take my fishing trips, and I go to my concerts but the family comes first. It is by doing this that I get to enjoy the later.. This year I am taking my 5 year old boy on my Canadian fishing trip.. Good Luck

Answer 4

He has a troubled past I suspect.
I imagine he doesn't talk much about his emotions and that you've never really felt as emotionally close to him as you would have wished.
He seems to view family as a societal function rather than an obligation or a joy.
I would advise you to find out why he trusts no one with his children.
It may be that this is just a mechanism to control you, but it may be deeper.
You are on my prayer list.

The road with God is never ever easy. There are highs as well as lows. But nothing can be re built without being broken open first.
I'm interested to know how and why you decided to become a Christian?

Answer 5

Arrange something for your own interests, perhaps a day with sister without the kids. Tell him you want him to care for the children as you normally do. This is to see what you are expected to put up with full time without help.
It is a father's duty to support the entire family, and biblically to teach them about God.
He can't pick out of the family what he wants to do alone.
Here is a link for you to get some hints from before you actually do anything.

Answer 6

I guess you should first improve your communication. And your husband should realise that you are also very busy with your 4 kids. Ensure that you get that little bit of space that you deserve whether it is free weekends or attend to christian services. By the way a weekend out together without the kids is very important! Overcome that lack of trust!

Answer 7

Hello Christian sister, I was in your same situation, my husband used to go off quite a lot, usually following the england football team, often just spending weekends away with 'the lads,' or going clubbing at weekends locally, stuff like that. The people at my church encouraged me to read what the Bible says and when I did, and followed it, things started to change....slowly. The Bible teaches us wives to submit to our husbands, not be a doormat. I let my husband go off and prayed constantly that God would bring him to his senses. Over time, he started getting homesick more often....the football wasn't enough to keep him away from me and the kids, then he cried and couldn't wait to get home......I kept praying and one day he stopped following england, at least he stopped going to matches. He came to know Jesus after 2 years, then the clubbing and weekends away stopped too. The trick is not to nag, but to keep giving it to God, pray and fast, and look for changes. Remember above all that god does not want your marriage to fail and he WILL help you. Ask people in your church to babysit when he's away, if he doesn't like it then just invite people over. Don't suffer alone, tell someone in your church and allow them to help you. It really will get better, just believe.

Answer 8

I am so sad for you.
The best thing you can do is change the locks before he comes back and leave his belongings outside the front door.
Then get a new life on your terms.

Best wishes

Answer 9

He is taking advantage of his position and you are his doormat ,as a mother of three kids myself i know how hard that is so stand up for your rights and watch you dont get vd of this excuse of a man you deserve better .

Answer 10

He is using his claimed distrust of your parents (and other prospective childminders) to keep you under control.
He's probably having an affair.
Leave the kids with your parents & take yourself a holiday.