He went to 4 colleges in 5 years and did not graduate. He came home to live and worked, spent his wages on partying and slept and played video games when not working. He went to Louisanna to do construction in January and is moving back home in a few weeks. We feel like we are not enabling him and think that this time we give him a time frame of one month to find a job and find another place to live. What are your thoughts on this? Are we right or wrong?
2006-07-07 15:47:28 · 20 answers · asked by cackywalker 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
A time frame is a good idea. But maybe before giving him the "ultimatum" -- I suggest you sit him down and find out what his plan and intentions are for moving in this time. State your concerns as you see fit....maybe he wants to go back to school? Let him know that if he lives under your roof that he is expected to act like a responsible adult. That means reasonable times in getting home and to bed, and just being respectful of those that he lives with. If he just wants to party while he waits for the next job that comes his way, absolutely give him the ultimatum.
2006-07-07 15:56:27 · answer #1 · answered by texgirl724 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
he feels like at your house he can escape from the real world and the responsibilities of being an adult. do you give him money? if so, then yes, you are enabling him. as soon as he gets there you and your husband need to sit him down and first ask him what he would like to get out of life in the next five years. then tell him that he is going to have to make some changes in his life. the reason he has not done so yet is fear of failure.
then set your ground rules. tell him you love him, but will not settle for less than 100% from him. tell him he is responsible for taking out the trash, making dinner three times per week, doing the laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, anything like that. also give a curfew of 12 am. if he wants the security of childhood tell him the chores and obedience of your rules will go right along with it. this after a while, will give him all the motivation he should need to get out of your house and on with his own life. just reassure him that no matter if he fails in life, that everyone does, and we just get up and keep living, and you will always give him your love and support. alot of times people just need to be reassured that someone is standing behind them, and will be there when needed.do not give in though if he does not meet your expectations or doesn't even try. if so, while he is out one day, pack up his stuff, put it on the lawn, and change your locks. then he will take you seriously.
good luck!
2006-07-07 16:03:26 · answer #2 · answered by hilton hottie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Finding a job can take time so I'm not sure setting a limit like a month will help (if he stays like 3 months then thats pushing it though), but do insist he keeps applying for as many jobs as possible set a requirement like minamum of 5 apps per week (depending on job availability) and insist that he goes to all the interviews hes offered, also insist he helps around the house (his laundry, cooking, washing the dishes) he's not a child so he needs to pitch in
also does he have any kind of income or savings? charge him for rent and food! doesn't have to be a lot but trying to cover the expenses he adds would be a good idea
2006-07-07 15:58:06 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Charge him rent! There is absolutely no excuse for his situation other than his own lack of initiative, and you should not be punished for it! I would demand rent from him, and if he will not pay, then I would not let him move in.
First of all, it is unhealthy for a grown man that age to be living with his parents. He will soon realize, especially if rules are set, that his life will become very inconvienient. He cannot have parties whenever he wants, he will be embarassed to bring home women (or men, if that's how he rolls).
His lack of success in school is not your fault, and by allowing him to move in, you are accepting partial blame. Force him to be successful (at least moderately) and he will find himself much happier and more self-sufficient.
My parents set out a rule for my siblings and I when we were young: go to college within a year of graduating high school and graduate college within five years, or join the Marines. Don't like those two options? Then get out. I am now 21 years old, about to graduate with my Bachelor's Degree in Political Science and planning on going on to law school. So the boundaries set by my parents worked for me. My younger brother is 19, has his own apartment, and is pursuing a degree in Business Administration. We both know that should we fail at school, it is no one's fault but our own and moving home is not an option.
2006-07-07 15:55:01 · answer #4 · answered by nicole_b_2003 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One thing is, your there for your son, which is Awesome, however, you definitely need to set ground rules. It might be a joy to have him around. You need to have him pay rent and help out with the responsibilities. This way, you won't feel as if your enabling him and he should feel that he's a man and not a child.
Make this situation work for you.
I hope everything works out for you. The American culture says we need to kick our children out of the house at a Magic number of 18 or 22 if a full time student. We need to bring families together. If in need, we should know that we have somewhere to go. Hold him responsible and he in turn will feel better in his situation that he has created for himself. Good Luck and God Bless.
2006-07-07 15:57:07 · answer #5 · answered by Surfagirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well at least he isn't 26 and still living at home, but yes I think you need to give him an ultimatum. He knows that he can always fall back on you guys and so he doesn't need to take responsibility for himself. And now that he is grown, he should be out of the house so that you too can have the time together that you deserve.
2006-07-07 15:52:27 · answer #6 · answered by Sappho 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A month to get it together sounds more than fair. This time when he moves out tell him that it will be the last time you will do this. A lot of men his age are raising a family and paying a mortgage. Some men do not stop being boys until they are forced to, sounds like your son is one of them. Cut the apron strings, kick the chick out of the nest etc. etc.
2006-07-07 15:56:07 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think it's wrong to provide him with a place to live. But are you doing something beyond that? Is his lifestyle harming you, costing you a lot of money, etc.? Is his lifestyle self-destructive? I'm not talking about his laziness--is he using drugs or doing something harmful to himself? If he isn't hurting himself and he's just using your home as a place to live, and you don't mind doing so, then frankly I don't see what's wrong with it.
On the other hand if he's hurting himself or you, then you're certainly well within your rights to force him to go fend for himself.
2006-07-07 16:12:52 · answer #8 · answered by Jon R 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him to find a place of his own. he is too old to live at home and if he can't finish college then he needs to try to find a job in one of the fields he went to school for.
2006-07-07 15:54:52 · answer #9 · answered by angelblueyes200 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs to learn responsibility. If you're always there for him to fall back on, then you're enabling him to live the way he does. Charge him rent to live in your house, and not just $50 or $100. Make it kind of steep.
2006-07-07 15:52:31 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋