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i am with the love of my life he is everything i want but he is verbally abusive to me he gets mad very easy if i dont answer my phone when he calls he gets mad other then that he is every thing i want i dont know waht to do i am hurting with him and i know that if i go i will be hurt ing to so what do i . i dont want to cry any more

2006-07-07 15:28:58 · 49 answers · asked by lasha s 1 in Family & Relationships Singles & Dating

49 answers

This is a hard one....abuse is abuse, and it shouldn't be tolerated. I would suggest you ask him to seek some therapy (or you can yourself too, it wouldn't hurt). I think some people stay in relationships like that because of low self esteem, not wanting to be alone, not thinking anyone else would love them, etc.

One question though....and please don't flame me for asking....are you verbally abusive back to him as well? I have been in that situation where my DH has said some nasty things to me or called me horrible names in the heat of an argument, but when I looked back, I realized I was doing the same thing. It became a vicious cycle, round and round again.

Good luck to you....

2006-07-07 15:34:44 · answer #1 · answered by Left Footed 5 · 1 0

I believe that the psychology behind it is that either when you got into the relationship (although you may not have realized it) you had a low self esteem. These type people are the ones an abuser generally go after because they can sense it. After they charm you into thinking their great and the honeymoon stage is gone and their true self comes out, they work down your esteem lower until you feel like you can't do any better or there isn't anyone out there who would want to be with you or maybe its that your scared. Its very tough to get out of I know, but there is always a way and it will get better if and when you do finally get out.

2016-03-26 21:02:44 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

I was married over nine years and by no means is that a long time but its not bad in today's society. My x was verbally abusive. You never think about it getting worse. It did in my case. From verbal to physical to having to call the cops and looking like idiots.

When it first started I initially thought to myself that it would be so much easier to leave him if he just would physically hurt me rather than mentally. Then he did. I still didn't leave. I set boundaries in my mind and he broke them every time. Much of this honestly comes from low self esteem. I would tell myself if he does this, that's it, its over. He would do it and I would make an excess like... well I know he did this but really it would've been much worse.

Its a stupid cycle. I didn't think it was true at all but I've read and studied a lot about it. Made excuses, tried to help him, watched him go up and down dragging me along.

In the end there is just no good excuse for any of it. Its just not right, at all, to hurt someone you love. You don't say things you can't take back. You don't mentally torture someone if they don't conform to your demands. You don't cheat and you don't lie.

In the end something is bothering a person more than they're letting on if they can't be respectful to someone they supposedly love and care about.

2006-07-07 15:47:43 · answer #3 · answered by ~brigit~ 5 · 0 0

If he loved you, your happiness would mean everything to him. He wouldnt want you to cry, that would hurt him too much. Just remember abuse starts this way... you think your crying now? Wait and see how you and your kids will be crying when you show up battered and penniless at a shelter one day, because he CONTROLS all your money and YOU. Dont give up your LIFE for him. This is not love. Its control... its abuse. Theres not anough lust in the world that could possible overcompensate this heartache. I married a monster young, I know, I also know it takes a second to get married to one like that, and it takes YEARS to get rid of them and get your life back. Keep talking about this, keep it out of the closet, you need help. Good luck

2006-07-07 15:40:46 · answer #4 · answered by seamonkey 2 · 0 0

These are all guesses so I truly hope this helps you! Here are some possibilities:

1. You two just have not yet figured out your ideal communication style yet. One day you're ready to listen and both of you are calm, tell him it's hard on you when he's angry and his words feel harsh to you, maybe harsher than he realizes. Tell him you want you and him to be happy, but he has to realize that you are human, and imperfect. So is he.

There will be times when you can't get to your phone. Times when you're not available for him physically or emotionally. But that you love him and know that together, you can make a happier life.

He has to stop, so please remind him during his abusive times. Say "Stop!" LIsten to yourself. Your choice of words and tone are sounding mean. Maybe that will shock him out of it.

2. He has issues he hasn't dealt with yet - maybe his family didn't teach him the right way to calmly work through challenges. Remind him that you CAN work through stuff and find solutions without treating eachother badly.

Remember, be good to yourself girl! Be consistent with him. Let him know when his behavior is not acceptable. Try the good, bad, good approach. Start by mentioning something good, then mention the bad behavior you'd like to see go away, then finish with something good.

Good luck!

2006-07-07 15:37:10 · answer #5 · answered by ID Door checker tomorrow 1 · 0 0

Low self-esteem. We tend to gravitate towards people who we are familiar with. By saying that, I mean that you must be used to having to prove yourself to someone. Your definition of love is very distorted. You need to learn to love yourself, and you truly do not if you allow this scumbag to talk to you that way. Verbal abuse is always the first step in an abusive relationship. It soon becomes physically abusive, and then it becomes even harder to break it off with him. Your worth more than that. Dont spend your life being miserable and abused. You only get one life, so live it happily. You know in your heart that hes not right for you. Listen to that little voice inside your head. It will never lead you wrong. Good luck.

2006-07-07 15:35:37 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Yikes. I saw a similar situation happen to a friend of mine. Ultimately she realized that he was controlling her with fear... fear of pain, fear of being alone. He manipulated her for years into believing that this way of life was normal. It's not.

Step back and take a look at this relationship. Why are you still there? Even if you love him, you may not be compatible. Take a long serious look at this. It sounds familiar. Make sure you are your own person.

Ask yourself some of these questions:

can you have and see your own friends at your own leisure?
can you spend your own money as you see fit?
can you eat whatever you want when you want?
what do you do as a couple that you both enjoy and look forward to?

Happiness is there for you. You don't have to live like this if you don't want. It's up to you. He may or may not be part of the solution, but you need to have your own identity and be your own person.

Professional advice might be wise here as well.

Good luck!

2006-07-07 15:35:42 · answer #7 · answered by JT 1 · 0 0

He is a control freak and you my dear are too sweet to put up with that kind of crap. You need to look at this relationship more realistically. Do you really think he is going to change?
Someone who is verbally abusive to you does not respect you. Get rid of him and find someone new. It only hurts for a little while. One of these days you will look back at this situation and not believe you were in it.

2006-07-07 15:32:37 · answer #8 · answered by happydawg 6 · 0 0

Dump him. He sounds like a paranoid monster.

He cannot be everything you want, because it sounds like what you want is a non-abusive partner.

Things will only get worse if you stay with him, and it sounds like you are scared of him.

Of course you will hurt if you leave him. No-one said breaking up a relationship is easy, especially with a sociopath like thius guy.

But soon you will stop hurting. If you stay with him you will hurt & hurt & hurt, and believe it or not there are plenty more fish in the sea.

2006-07-07 15:37:15 · answer #9 · answered by Big E 3 · 0 0

Well first off, im sorry there isnt any way of this being easy on you. first of this is just my opinion so dont take it as professional help, but anyways there are ways to get around your problem or confront it face on, i would talk to him about it, that failing tell him that it is a serious problem, try seeking a professional, all else you if your not happy you may in the end need to walk away from it.

2006-07-07 15:34:30 · answer #10 · answered by Harlotslain 1 · 0 0

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