what do i do with my 13 year old daughter?

Question

My daughter is a great kid and has made some good choices in grade 7. But there are these girls that are in the popualer group and are smoking ,drinking, sexualy active and some are cutters.
We live in a small town and everyone know everyone.
My daughter says they are her friends and hands out with them in school., I never let this go any farther.What bothers me is that she cant understand that they will ruinin her rep and i just dont want her to hang with sleezy kids.
Am i wrong and what can i do ?
Please help a mother in need of advice.

Answer 1

First of all, thank yourself for being a good mother. Trust me, your daughter won't tell you thanks now but someday, in the future,she'll be so appreciative of all your care and concern. Plus, your teaching her how to be a good mother which means she'll take good care of your grandkids someday.

The easiest solution...move. Move to a new town, move your daughter to a different school, send her to live with grandparents, or even enroll her in a convent.

I truly believe that the war in Iraq would be over if we had sent teenage girls to fight instead of our soldiers. Sixth and seventh grade girls can be so cruel. The problem is parents are too permissive. By 8th grade, they are out of control.

Honestly, you are about to begin a war of your own if you try to keep your daughter from hanging out with the popular group.

What you have to do is secretly move her to another group that is less wild but will offer her the same security the popular group does. Check around with other moms and see who their daughters hang out with . Try to interest your daughter in one of those groups by talking about them in front of her. Make her believe that the safer group is actually the cooler group to be in. Some churches have great youth groups.

If this doesn't work, then you have to at least educate your daughter about the things that will kill her.

Smoking...smoking causes cancer. If you or your spouse smokes...stop. You can't expect her to not smoke, if you are smoking around her.

Drinking...very few people die (it can happen) from drinking because they usually pass out first. But, drinking and driving or riding with a drunk will kill your daughter. The rule at my house is you don't drive if you hang out with drunks. No car, no insurance, and yes, your mom will still be driving you as long as you hang out with drunks.

Sex...aside from pregancy, the list of sexually transmitted diseases in teens is scary...HIV, herpes, hepatitis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphillis...it goes on. So, take her to the store and teach her how to buy condoms. It will scare the hell out of her.

By cutters, I am assuming you mean mutilators that cut themselves. The first time she cuts herself, take her to a psychiatrist because it is a mental disorder.

But most of all...DON'T FORGET WHO IS THE PARENT AND WHO IS IN CHARGE. Be forceful. Stay strong. I'll be praying for you.

Answer 2

YOU have to be a parent, not a friend. You are the adult, she is the child. Do whatever you have to do to keep her safe. Home School, private school, etc. It sound as if you don't let her have contact with them except at school. Does she go to church? If you cant make her understand, maybe some time in a junior church group could help.
You may also want to find resources on the net that you can use to show her what happens when a young girls get VD, pregnant, hooked on drugs, etc.
Try to get her in a setting where the people she can have for friends are the kind of friends she needs.

Answer 3

I'm 13 years old too and make good choices(going 2 the 8th). The best thing to do is to talk to your daughter and let her know that you can't trust everybody who you call your friends. Also talk to her about making better decisions on making better friends because whoever she hangs out with can effect her life.
The girls she's hanging out with now seem like they are an extremely bad influence on your daughter, because if this doesn't stop now, she might become sexually active , drinking smoking, or cut her life short. Just because these girls are popular and doing those bad things, doesn't mean you have to do it just to be popular and just to fit in! It's not worth it! And if they don't except your daughter for who she is, then they are not her REAL friends!! I hope everything works out for the best for you and your daughter!!! keep all of this in mind..

Answer 4

1) Ask her why these kids are so popular. Ask her what kind of future these kids will have. Counter against everything that she will say.

2) Argue against her the dangers of everything they are doing. Make sure to have a solid counter to everything she might say. Gruesome pictures of alcohol-related accidents and people dying from cutting too deep works wonders. Life experiences that may have works too.

3) Debate about the aspect of popularity. Cite some sort of examples such as former popular kids not being popular anymore. Address how useless popularity will be in the future.

4) Use your daughter as a pawn to get the other kids in juvenille hall and other sorts of punishment. She can't hang around them if they are in jail, juvie, doing probation, etc.

If all else fails, give up or boot camp. I recommend boot camp. I don't want myself or society to deal with another teenage mother in the world.

Answer 5

Unfortunately...or maybe fortunately, we can never control the actions of anyone else...even our kids. My suggestion would be to not force anything on her, talk to her, let her know your feelings and thoughts on this on her level (something like, listen, I know they are your friends but I love you and am concerned that they may be a bad influence on you. I don't want to you to get hurt, so if you are thinking about doing something that isn't you, please, lets talk about it and look at all the possibilities)

Now, don't misunderstand me either, if your daughter came to you asking if she could go to a party, or do something, that you know would be bad for her, put your foot down in a firm matter. Keep a very cool head and even tone and as she may plead, beg and say hurtful things, firmly tell her no and don't change your decision...that would give her a bit of leverage over you if you did. She would also gain that leverage if you started yelling back at her.
Basically be the parent when it comes to the decision making and the friend when it comes to advice.

Answer 6

Sounds like it is YOUR reputation that you don't want to have marred in the small community you live in. Who cares what the neighbors think and don't try to compensate for the mistakes you made when you were her age.

Be loving, listen, and GUIDE your child. Don't be a an iron fist. Have her friends over to YOUR house often and be a good influence on the 'bad kids'. Try to make the world a better place instead of trying to protect your child from seeing the world as it truly is.

Answer 7

There's not a lot you can do other than to talk to your daughter a lot about her life and make sure she knows you love her and she knows what to do in particular situations. You can't keep her from hanging out with certain people at school, and the more you try, the more she may act out to try to get a reaction from you. Just let her know constantly how much you love her and what your expectations are.

Answer 8

I feel for you. I see your concern.
I would not let her go places to hang out with them where they would have access to the drinking and the cutting. That is a very complicated problem I hear. (the cutting).
And definately pray. Pray that God will be watching over her at times that you cannot.
If she is only 13, then you have a certain amount of control.
PS
Ignore the person that said you are only worried about your own reputation. Your concerns are legitimate. That is rediculous!

Answer 9

I watched my brother go through this same thing and all of his efforts couldnt change anything,all i can tell you is try to understand her need to be around them and find as much info an drugs and sex and drinking and show it to her.Try to open her eyes to the damage this stuff creats but never force her to do what you want,just simply try to make the wrong things harder than the right things...let her see the damage from wrong choices..

Answer 10

Try to encourage her to get involved in events at school,get her involved in a youth group at church,once she hangs out with other kids and finds out she can make other friends she will do better.Peer pressure ia a terrible thing she may feel as though she cant make other friends and since these girls accept her shes o.k. with what they do.Change her mind fast,tell her she is smart and strong and can have other friends.Good luck God bless:O)