I was married for 21 years, he always held a job and worked and seemed normal to everyone else, he always says, "Everybody loves me but you." The alcohol just changed his peronality and after living with it for so long, I finally moved out in March. I am lonely and he still has not quit drinking. How do you convince someone they need help when they can't or won't do it on their own?? Do most people think alcoholism is a disease or do most people think it is a choice?
2006-07-07 12:48:27 · 18 answers · asked by lfwtea3 2 in Health ➔ Diseases & Conditions ➔ Other - Diseases
To the guy who goes by Confused who responded to my question, I have already tried all the things you said. I left him! He still has not quit. I thought it might "shock" him into realizing that I was serious about him quitting the drinking, he wants me back and keeps telling me he has quit, but there are times I have talked to him and seen him and he is still drinking, he is still lying about it, trying to hide it.
2006-07-07 13:06:59 · update #1
Dated an alcoholic for several years and married a gambler...do I have the touch or what??!!!
I also separated from my husband in January because of his gambling addiction. Big Kudos to you for taking the step.
Both of the addicts I've been involved w/ were the kindest hearted and most generous people you'd meet....but they were completely controlled by the addiction leading them to be some of the lyin-est, cheatin-est, rotten-est people I knew.
My first advice is that you seek some kind of counseling if you haven't already done so. That has honestly been a saving grace for me. I've learned a lot about how I contributed to the addiction over the years. I also believe that this pattern has followed me...I mean look at my track record. There had to be things I could do differently.
2nd point...you can't convince them to get help. You can suggest, support, connive, plan, scheme, etc......but it won't work until they admit they have a problem that needs help. Obviously your husband has not crossed that bridge yet. And that's okay. Remember this is his problem and much as we'd like to...we can't fix them. Best thing on this note is continue to be supportive of any action toward counseling, 12 step or admitting he has a problem. And staying firm on refusing to accept behavior that makes you uncomfortable or unhappy.
I know you're lonely....so am I, but I definitely feel better w/o his addiction controlling my life also. I actually feel a sense of freedom not having to worry about...."is this the night we lose the house?, Why is he late? Is he at the casino? Will his paycheck make it home?"
Any addiction is a disease and think most people believe that today. Your husband has made a choice....a choice not to get help. You have also made a choice....a choice to refuse to live unhappy, unfulfilled, scared, angry and any other feelings you have. You deserve better and shouldn't settle for less.
Hang in there, good luck and God Bless.
2006-07-07 13:28:22 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't convince an alcoholic they need help, period. They need to "hit bottom" before they realize how bad they are - unfortunately some alcoholics never get help and waiting for them to literally get with the program will also never happen.
Your husband is what's called a functional alcoholic - holds down a job, makes a living and sees to the necessities of life. You'd be amazed at the people who are the same way!
Leaving your husband was probably the best option you had and I applaud your courage. Sure, it's lonely being on your own after so many years of marriage, but at least you don't have to deal with his sickness on a daily basis any longer. Since he continues to drink, his need for alcohol is stronger than what your love could do for him.
Alcoholism really is a disease and true alcoholics are genetically predisposed to becoming one.
My first husband was an alcoholic AND a drug addict. I lived in an emotional hell for over 7 years with him. I was driving myself insane trying to help him and nothing I did worked. I reached a point where I couldn't take it any more and left him - just like you did with yours.
Leaving my husband was the best thing I ever did for myself and have since found a wonderful, caring man who's clean and sober - life is great for me now and it will be for you, too. I promise!
Just hang in there, you hear??? :-)
2006-07-07 20:14:00 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Alcoholism is a horrible addiction. I was married to one and left after 10 years after things slowly got worse. I believe the only way an alcoholic will change is when THEY realize they need help and unfortunately, that often means they have to hit rock bottom before they change. Some don't make it. You don't convince an alcoholic; THEY need to make the change for themselves. They may promise, but only actions count, not words. I am now in a happy relationship and have never looked back. I paid my dues and will never get into that situation again, no matter how wonderful they otherwise may seem. You deserve better. Get out before it destroys you.
2006-07-07 20:00:53 · answer #3 · answered by passion2travel 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to give the good folks at Al-Anon a call. Easy going groups of familes, spouses, etc. of alcoholics. They are, or have been, in your situation and can be the very best way for you to get through your day to day life right now.
My 17 year old daughter is both an alcoholic and addict, and life has been difficult at best. She is currently clean, but it took me telling her she had to leave my house and not come back as long as she was using. I can't and won't watch her kill herself. She has been through rehab, and come close to death already, but unless she decides to stay clean, there is nothign I can do to make her. I have to say it was very hard to tell her that. My, and probably your, ideal is to reach out and help - to try to understand - to try to fix it. You can't and I can't.
Do NOT go back to your husband as long as he is drinking and not just not drinking for a day or two. Most alcoholics cannot just quit on their own for any length of time. It takes support and others that have been there.
Most people in recovery will tell you that there is NO WAY at all to be a casual drinker if you are an alcoholic. Might pretend in public, but just cant happen.
Take care of YOU right now.
2006-07-07 21:33:53 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well hun, im not married to 1 but i had two eight yr relationships after each other, then another relationship for over 2 yrs, and they were all alcoholics... is not easy i can vouch for that and ppl say i chose my own destiny because my dad was an alcoholic too...like i was looking for a father figure...but whether thats true or not the fact is that women in alcoholic relationships live in hell....and as the man seems to be loving and gentle to every body else on the outside, it can so easily turn nasty for the women when their men arent sober....my ex's are all trying to get back with me, have tried for yrs....and is so hard for them to understand why i refuse to live like hat anymore... the abuse, pain, domestic violence, and the lack of love u feel in such a relationship turns u off for life...and once ur in a relationship like that its also hard to leave...and hard to understand why unless u been thru it all... i always told them if they HAD loved me they would have given up drinking, and they didnt ...so theres ur answer... if some 1 loves u bad enough they will do what it takes hun to be with u... as they convince themselves they r doin nothing wrong, and that makes it harder...if they dont wanna help themselves then theres no hope hun...and is a shame but u done the right thing in moving out...is a big hard step and i know how u feel... as for convincing him...its hard to do hun...believe me...i just got proposed to by the ex who was the worst drinker out of the 3, and im so not wanting to go there again...hes promised to give it up and all and i still say no!...hun, they can promise the world but they never change...they will always drink... is a disease and unless they have proper rehab...it never goes away... if he loves u and misses u he will do it for himself...and u... tc hun... and hugs!!!
2006-07-07 20:08:15 · answer #5 · answered by angel_of_ur_heart35 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Currently married to an alcoholic. I think it is a disease but also a choice. If it weren't then the alcoholic would choose to be helped. You can't convince them to get help. Even if you take away the alcohol, like jail time, they usually will go right back to it as soon as possible.
You may be lonely now but you made the right choice.
2006-07-07 19:57:09 · answer #6 · answered by theoriginalquestmaker 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's a disease. My dad was an alcoholic and what I learned from my experiences with him is that you cannot convince the alcoholic that they need help. Until and unless they choose recovery for themselves, it's pretty well meaningless. My dad started recovery programs many times at the urging of family or under court orders but he never did get sober. My brother, on the other hand, took a long, hard look at himself and his life and realized that he wasn't a person his girls could respect, so he chose recovery for himself. He's got almost two years sobriety now. As hard as it is for loved ones to accept, the impetus to overcome the disease has to come from within.
2006-07-07 19:55:54 · answer #7 · answered by mockingbird 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes for 12 years I left and never went back and don't regret it one bit. I didn't have a life because my life revolved around him and his problem. I think alcohol is a disease but a person can overcome it if they have the will power. In my case he didn't have the will power , I tried to help him as much as I could but I had to a some point think of my happiness because he sure wasn't.
you cant convince them they have to figure it out for themselves
don't waste your time trying.
2006-07-07 20:00:44 · answer #8 · answered by Terry Lyn M 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was when I was 19 years old the marriage only lasted 10 months as he was so abusive when he was drunk..(put me in the hospital 4 times) he has to get help for himself. He must first realize he has a PROBLEM..I am sure he thinks your the one with the problem..YOUR NOT!! People thought I was nuts for ending our marriage because everyone loved him..well behind closed doors is very real..i feel that people use it to numb..there are issues he has but only he can decide when he needs help..
2006-07-07 19:55:21 · answer #9 · answered by heather b 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i am a recovering alcoholic. i was a heavy drinker for about 25 years and i thought it was normal. my wife told me if i dont quit drinking she would leave me. i didnt believe her ans well she left me. i lost my job, family, house and friends. i realized that she ment more to me than drinking so i got help and we are back together. we just celebrated our 17 wedding aniversary. you need to take him by the hand and show him that you are thier for him. be suportive and give him a choice. iether me or the alcohol.it is a disease and it can kill you. your liver can shut down and you die slow. please get him help. i know i thank god every day that im alive and not dead from drinking. i wish you the best of luck. if you truely love him, dont give up
2006-07-07 19:59:59 · answer #10 · answered by confused 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋