i have a dilema any advice appreciated?

Question

My husband and I and our two children of just over 1yr and just over 3 yrs have been invited to a joint family party ( husbands mums 75th birthday and his brothers 30yr wedding anniversary). My dilema is that all of my husbands family are taking their children to the party and I dont want to take ours. This is because i worry about the smoke off ppls cigarettes and the fact that our 3 yr old gets very hyper when it comes get togethers like this. After a family party (once before he had a really bad nights sleep) People have asked us quite a few times why we are not taking the children and I have explained the reason why and still they ask. some say is it cos yous want to get drunk and I say no. My husband and I havent had a night out together for over 2 yrs since our 2nd son was born.So I felt like it would be a night to be ourselves for once I feel like we are being pressurised into taking them and i now feel I dont want to go and just let my husband go with our 3yr old son.

Thanks everyone so far for you answers but for the person who said that I blame it on everyone else but me is totally wrong. I was brought up where we (children didnt go to parties cos they were for adults) and my husbands family is a lot bigger than mine and they have always done that . So for this big family party I am finding it difficult well I wasnt really until ppl kept questioning why we werent taking the children. A lot of you are right where Me as a mum should stick to my guns and say no we are going on our own but cos someone else asked me today the guilt of not taking our oldest son has stepped in and it really got to me thats why i have asked the question on here to see what other ppl thought.

Sorry one other thing I have babysitters arranged thats their other grandparents

Answer 1

Well what those other people think does not matter. Its about what YOU want, do you question who they are taking or not taking? (NO). So they shouldnt question you either. You are a grown woman, you can make decisions for yourself, they need to let you live your life. As you said you and your husband have not had time for just the two of you in a long time so I think you deserve it.

Answer 2

I have a three part suggestion to your question. Firstly, I really find that your husband and yourself should be finding time to have a night out by yourselves on a Regular basis. Even if it is only once every two months. You, as a family unit, Will benefit greatly. Your husband and you will get a much needed break from the children. Your children will Learn to Trust you both, in that they will see you and him going out together,but realise you will return. Children are very perceptive.
Secondly, If you really do find yourself feeling Pressurised into taking your children "anywhere" by others, it may be a signal that you are not explaining your feelings and reasons to others as fully as you can do (i.e. as you have in your question), why you have come to the decision not to take the children. You should not have to explain Your decisions how you raise Your family to anyone, but clearly You have an issue here.
Lastly, would you not consider taking your children to the family party's for a prescribed time limit. The children could then be returned home to be babysat, whilst you and your husband enjoyed the party without them? This way, the children get to Learn how to socialise with their extended family, and you get less pressure from the extended family (and a day out). Many, many children get hyper on exciting days out. It will not harm their sleep pattern. As for the cigarette smoke. Adults who smoke at any gathering where there are children, should smoke "outside" of the gathering. That is just common sense, and indeed now enshrined in Law for public buildings, it is not a reason to curtail your socialising. Speak to the organisers of the party. tell them you want a smokng ban within the confines of the building the party is to take place.

Answer 3

Well here is my advice ( I also have kids). First of all there is nothing wrong with you wanting some time alone with your hubby. Actually I think it's very necessary. Second of all getting upset and making your husband go by himself is not exactly the most mature thing to do. I think that you should take your kids becuase after all it does sound like a "family" event. Your son getting very hyper might have to do with him feeling overwhelmd with all the people. Do you take him out much? Kids will be kids. And if alot of other kids are going do you really think that anybody is going to really focus on your kids behavior?
Now back to the whole alone time with your hubby, I definitley think you should plan something, anything. Their really is no excuse for not spending time together alone.. If money is an issue than maybe plan something at home over a nice dinner and a movie. Easy on the budget and hey if your alone sitting on the couch snuggling chances are your going to have a great time. Well hope I helped

Answer 4

Go and take the children - this is a family thing and the entire family should be involved. Take another day that you leave the children with someone you trust while you and your husband have a night out together without the kids. We taught our allergic asthmatic son to run away with his hand over his mouth and nose any time he saw a cigarette. Relatives who asked why were told of his condition and all smoking stopped whenever we were around. You don't have to have allergies or asthma for smoke to bother you so if you are asked, just say that smoke bothers your family. Your children will run into smokers everywhere so a family gathering is no different.

Answer 5

Well.. just my opinion.. but this is DEFINETLY not something I would consider a night out!!!! You need to get a babysitter or family member to watch the kids for you two to go out at least a couple times a month....
And SECONDLY... cigarettes are everywhere.. hence smoke is everywhere you cannot protect them forever.. Usually at our get togethers the kids are never anywhere around the adults anyways.. so that shouldn't be a problem.. only maybe for the year old. Of course the 3 year old gets hyper.. he's 3.. it's time to play and go crazy with the other kids.. it's what to expect.. shouldn't keep him from his childhood or bonding with other family members his age. And if it was only ONE bad nights sleep .. that's nothing.. he's still riled up from the day.. how many times have you come home from an exciting day and find it hard to sleep.. but I be once he was asleep .. he slept. I truly feel you are being either to overly protective or are just making excuses to not go to this event yourself.. make sure you are not lying to yourself.. NOW.. if you you don't wanna go.. than you don't go.. but don't make your children your excuse. Sorry I'm a blunt gal.. =)

Answer 6

ok, first of all, you said you didn't want your kids to go b/c of the smoke and stuff and at the end, you said that you were thinking about not going and just letting your husband go with your 3 yr. old son. which is it? I think you should go and have a good time. The smoke is a issue (can they smoke outside) but the get-togethers shouldn't be an issue, you need to teach your kids how to behave in certain situations. Don't make a big deal out of nothing, if you decide to go and not take the kids, just tell the people asking about it that you felt they shouldn't come, you have that right, as their mother. Good Luck and have a good time

Answer 7

Don't make such a big deal out of it. Is one night out with the kids really going to hurt? Besides your 3yr old will have loads of fun and also I think families don't get together enough these days so just get your gladrags on and enjoy yourselves. I'll bet there's plenty of relatives willing to give your 1yr a cuddle while you have a boogey on the dancefloor? And if you want a night out with your husband are there no relatives willing or able to babysit? I understand if that answer's a no because I haven't got many people to look after mine either but if you do then go out another night with your husband. I also understand the point about smoking because I don't either but again maybe politely ask people not to smoke too near them? Do what you thinks best for you though.

Answer 8

A party is meant to be enjoyable. Think about previous parties. Did you spend more time socializing and celebrating, or worrying about the kids? Maybe if you are worried about your children getting hyper & about secondhand smoke (which any good mother would be concerned about), just don't go! invite your inlaw and your brother in law over privately at your home another time for a celebration. I'm sure they would understand. Or if this party is very important to you and your husband, hire a sitter and go enjoy yourselves! Either way, don't feel obligated to the party or leaving the kids at home. It's your decision!~~

Answer 9

How does your husband feel about it? It's your decision on what to do with your children, this family just needs to butt out. If you feel you have valid concerns about taking your children, then don't take them. If the family is pressuring you, tell them that you have your own parenting style, it doesn't matter what they think, you raise your child how you see fit and you quite frankly did not feel that this gathering was something to be bringing your children too. But smooth it over by saying a smaller gathering would be a little more easier for the babies to handle without getting upset. This gathering you felt was too large and your children are not good with large crowds, they prefer smaller more intimate settings. Just a few ideas, I hope this helps a little. Good luck.

Answer 10

You can make an appearance with the children for about 30 minutes or so, so everyone can see them and then arrange for the babysitter to either come get them or take a quick break and drop them off.
You deserve a night off with just your husband. Stand strong and don't let them pressure you into something you know is not the best for you or your kids.

Answer 11

I have to say that I too feel it is because you want to be free for the night and not the way the children act or the smoke or anything else.
And if you can't go and have a good time them you just won't go.

I think you need to be the MUM that you are and not worry about yourself having a good time.

Take the children and go...