I have a twelve year old daughter who refuses to clean her room should i keep trying or what?

Question

she has mentioned that im not the one living in there and i should care less about her room and worry about other chores for her

Answer 1

You need to impress on your daughter that even though it's her room, she's in your house and needs to respect you enough to clean. I used to be like her and what my mother would do is give me a deadline for cleaning my room. At the end of that deadline she would go in my room with a garbage bag and start throwing things away. I learned pretty fast that if I didn't want my stuff to end up in the trash I needed to clean my room. My friend's mother used to ground her until it was clean. I understand where your daughter is in her life, I have a 12 year old daughter too, but what your daughter needs to remember is you're still the parent and that's your house and she still needs to do what's asked of her no matter how she feels about it.

Answer 2

It is your house; you let her live there. If you want it clean, then make her clean it. She has to learn that there will always be someone telling her what to do, whether she likes it or agrees with it or not (teachers, bosses, etc). If you let her win on this one, you have taught her that she only has to do the things she wants to do; therefore you loose authority. Authority is hard to win back once it is lost. So yes, make her clean the room. Knowing your child will help with a punishment. I have a 12 yr.old daughter-slob myself. When her room gets messy she looses all privileges until it is clean (no TV, no computer, no phone, no going on walks or riding bikes... nothing until the room is clean). However, if your child values her things, the throwing away thing that was posted earlier was good too. If my daughter cared about her things, I'd do that too. I tried when she was little and she just said, "You know Mom, I just had too much stuff, this is better." Anyway, don't let her get by with not cleaning her room, but be specific about what you want to be done, also. When a room gets too messy they become overwhelmed and don't know where to start. Help her with that, give her a goal (Today all clothes hung up or put in drawers. Tomorrow find a home for all the clutter. The day after tomorrow dust and vacuum, etc.) I think you both will benefit.

Answer 3

I would take everything out of the room bed and all then you won't have to worry about it anymore. She can earn her things back by taking care of them.Since the room is empty she can earn her bed back after she washes down the walls and windows, washes her own curtains, paint maybe and vacumme good and shampoo the rug. Then she can wash her own bedding. Don't tell her or beg her to do it and don't do it yourself. This will shock her into knowing that you are serious. Don't give in either. All the stuff is yours if she doesn't appreciate it. Do not allow anything into that room unless it is organized and clean. That should do the trick. I think they call it consequences. No threating give her a deadline to get the room clean, don't say another word about it or mention the consequences at all. Then on the deadline, make sure she is off with her friends and throw everything in bags as is clean or dirty. If she isn't interested in doing it right away, play games with her instead. No TV or phone. Family time. Put a list of rules on the door and don't discuss it with her at all. She'll get the idea pretty quick. Arguing with a child is pointless. If she screams don't let her get away with it, be positive and calmly tell her to get started and it will be a fun project to redo her room. Call it a makeover, that should make it more fun. Act as though nothing is going on even, It should give you some good quality time with her and also never allow her to be abusive to you in anyway. She can loose her things back that way. Make sure to post all the rules. One good thing too, don't let her have it all back at once, just a little at a time, all forms of entertainment go in last.

After all, you don't want a house full of ants, cock roaches and rats.

My 14 year old daughter keeps her room clean, that is her only job in the house, school is her other job and being a kid is her only other job. She will have plenty of time in her life to clean.

If you think you would like this method and want some more ways to deal with this, my email is [e-mail]

Answer 4

I read an article for my pysch class in which studies actually followed a group of kids who were forced to do chores and those who were able to do the chores they wanted and when they wanted. The study showed that the children who were not forced to do chores actually had more ambition later in life for some reason. Something about giving a person a choice makes them feel more empowered and more likely to go along with you.
Personally I make my kids clean their room. I try and teach them (like your daughter says) that their room is their own personal space and show them how when it is clean they don't have to worry about losing their favorite items or they can go in there and draw when they want or invite friends over without being ashamed of how their room works. Naturally this tactic doesn't always work so i have to give them some kind of incentive. Usually I pick something they really want and say, "okay, if you would like to do/have this then you have to keep your room cleaned for "X" number of days." The older my kids get the more this seems to work. How quick they learn the value of cleaning and money!
Another thing, I know when I was young, my mother didn't really "make" me clean my room however, I only got allowance or special privledges based on what chores I did do. That usually got me motivated, especially when I saw my sisters getting their full allowance.
With your daughter being 12, its more then likely a phase she is going through. I know when I got into my teenage years you couldn't tell me nothing! Eventually we get over that and realize that mom was right (for the most part, lol) about all those things she preached. It is then when the real value of the lesson is learned.

Answer 5

You know what? She's absolutely right. It is her room and she's the one who lives there. Your best move at this point is to close the door to her room and insist that it stay closed, whether she's in there or not. At this point, all that is going to happen is drawing lines in the sand, and no one comes out the winner but there's a lot of resentment on both sides. Of course, if she is taking on the responsibility for her room, and that's what she's doing with her statement, that means she is doing her own laundry, changing her own sheets, vacuuming the floor, etc.etc.etc. You do NOTHING in her room if she's going to play by those rules.
Yes, it will bother you. Enormously. But the only alternative is a lot of fighting and a lot of stress.
This isn't a new situation, and you aren't unique. There was a 'boomer' generation, a 'me' generation, and now there seems to be a 'mess' generation. Why? Who knows, but it is a common problem. The best you can hope for is that when she leaves home, she'll discover that she can't live in a mess for the rest of her life. Or maybe she can. Who knows what sort of room mates or what sort of spouse she will marry? In any case, it isn't something you're going to change. She's either going to discover that it isn't much fun living in a pig pen if it doesn't push your buttons (and that's a game 12-year olds love to play) and clean it up voluntarily, or leave it as it is. The idea that some of your friends or family may see the mess and embarass you about it, or hold you responsible, is something you'll just have to learn to live with. That's why you insist the door remain closed, so no one WILL see it.
But the bottom line is, this is not your problem. It's hers. And she's the one who will have to deal with it.

Answer 6

Remind her that she is a member of YOUR household, she doesn't have rights, she has privledges, and if she wants to keep having those priveldges, like hanging out with her friends, going to the mall, whatever 12 year old girls like to do these days, she IS going to clean her room.

Make a bargain with her. Tell her she can keep her room however she sees fit until Saturday. But come Saturday, if that room isn't spick and span, she goes nowhere and does nothing.

This is a critical time in that kid's life. She is going to test you and push the boundaries, just like she did when she was a very little girl. You must be the mom who sets the hard boundaries that don't get crossed.

Don't back down for the sake of peace. You're teaching her to be an adult. If she successfully gets you to back down, you are teaching her that there are no real consequences and that if she whines enough, for lack of a better word, she will eventually get her way.

Can you imagine her telling her boss one day that he/she doesn't need to ask when that project will get done and go worry about someone else's project? We've all seen coworkers like that, and this is where it comes from.

Do her a favor; teach her the hard lessons now so she doesn't have to learn them 10 years from now.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Okay so I disagree with other ppl who have answered this. This is your house and technically your room weather or not it may be her living quarters for the next 8-12 years or not, is irrelevant. You need to make your daughter understand that in your house she does as you say. Flat line. Keep trying eventually she'll figure out that your not going to give up. And of course you should care even if you don't life in there, once again it's your house. Don't let her be so bossy. And if she wants other things to do in the house, give them to her. Cleaning her room is a responsibility not a chore!

Answer 8

If they can't clean up after they use something then they don't get to use it. I would go in and clean it out of everything except the bed and some of the clothes you know she wouldn't want to where in public, oh she'd be mad but she will soon change her tune when she finds out that she won't be getting them back until she starts doing her part around the house. And even then I would only give her things back slowly. If it continues I would also stop buying her new clothes and things until she can take care of what she already has, which if you've taken it all away won't be much. It's important to remember you are in a battle of wills and she needs to know that you can stand the heat and that you will continue to have expectations that are unwavering.

Answer 9

Stop trying what you've been trying, it's obviously not working.

Try a different approach altogether.

At the same time, there is some room to understand that her personality makes it harder for her to prioritize order in her room.

You should come to an understanding of what is reasonable and work with that. Like some clothes on the floor can be okay for a few days, but crusty dishes and ant colonies are just too far.

Answer 10

I'd be pissed. Then I'd do something like this: Send her away for the entire day. Get some men together to help you put all her things into boxes with different labels on them for what they contain. Arrange the boxes in another room, garage, or basement. This includes furniture. Get everything out of her room and vacuum it. When she comes home tell her she can either start fresh with a clean room and a clean slate and keep it that way, or you're going to rent her room out to a child who will keep it decent in there! Be prepared for the crying and screaming. Stand your ground. And when she has to put everything back herself she should change her tune. Good luck.