Why would my daughter do this?

Question

Had a full scholarship to college, dropped out. Got pregnant at 19. Boyfriend is worthless, ex gang member, ex drug addict, ex con. Neither has money. She's been writing bad checks, just waiting for cops to show up. He's been bonded out of jail twice in last 3 months. Both lie constantly. Moved 3 times in last 6 months. Owes everyone money. She is 20, young, smart, pretty, could have anyone she wants, but she chooses to stay with him.

I guess I should have said my "step" daughter. I did not raise her so this is not my fault. Her mother kept a tight leash on her. I love her and my granddaughter, but when is enough, enough? She is going to go to jail. She is learning a lesson the hard way and her father and I can't help her anymore.

Answer 1

Sounds like a problem with self worth. It sounds like she doesn't really believe that she has all these wonderful qualities.
Have you seen any signs of this prior to dropping out of college? Problems with self worth can take a lot of observation for a parent to catch. And even with a loving parent, these things can fall through the cracks. Has she been abused in a way you weren't aware of? Did she have to take too much responsibility early on without being prepared for it? Oh...with the tight leash, she may not have been able to rebel at the small, "normal" things most of us get to get out of our systems when young. She may not have experienced any early consequences to smaller actions and now - boom - she's in the big world acting it all out.
I work with very young parents (teens) and their babies and nearly all of them have not had a normal childhood. I'm not saying that it's every parents fault, though in the majority that's the case: too harsh or not there, abusive or a childish parent...
The biggest help in all of the lives I work with is if they have someone loving close to them that they can turn to when they finally come around to seeing the light. Love your stepdaughter, love her child, don't bail her out of her petty crimes, but don't place shame either. Be patient, but be there.
God bless you & good luck!

Answer 2

,I know what you mean. My friend's daughter did the same thing, twice. The first husband is in jail for a long time, the second is irresponsible with money, he had to do jail time for violations with the car. He ran up expenses on a credit card, buying things for him and his buddies, and didn't pay the bills. She is very smart, she could have been anything she wanted to be.
Do women settle for less for love? Are they so sure they will not find love ever again? My friend's daughter, at least, has remained responsible ,she has a job, and a side business. Is it the bad boy thing? A walk on the wild side? Is it a chance to get attention, be the leader of the pack knowing if she had pursued an education, she would just be another person with a degree? So desperate for love they will do anything to get it?.
And the kicker is, my friend[her parents] like him, he is a good daddy.
How good of a daddy are you when you are in jail, and almost cost them the roof over their head?
In this case, it is not drugs, but it sounds like that might be a factor in your daughter's case. drugs can cause all of the behavior you described.
So what about the child? Is it in danger? Is it so you could take it and raise it?
Is part of her behavior a rebellion against you? How is she when she is around you? Manipulative, nasty, what?
I'm afraid unless daughter comes right out and tells you, you will remain in the dark as to why. .And with her history of lying, well, you might not be able to believe her.
I hope somehow I helped, sometimes just knowing somebody out there gets it, helps.
You did not ask, but what do you do about the situation? Love her, and hope the light bulb comes on over her head. Maybe you could make sure she can get out of the relationship if she wanted, that he isn't holding her prisoner. My friends did what they could for the daughter, babysat for her while she worked, gave her a little money, stood by her, stayed with her so she would not be alone. Maybe you could do the same. Make sure your daughter know, no matter what she has done, you will be there for her when her world crashes.I wish you, sincerly,good
luck.

Answer 3

Because she is 20 and thinks she knows everything. I know seeing her like this is killing you, but telling her "I told you so" or trying to make her do as you wish is only going to push her farther away. She is in a rebelious stage and she will just have to get over it by herself. Best thing for you to do is just shut your mouth quickly when you really want to tell her to quit being so damn stupid, because she will probably do the opposite just to spite you. I am speaking from experience. It sucks, I know, to stand by and watch her make these mistakes when they seem (to you) so avoidable in the first place. If you raised her right then pretty soon she will come to her senses. Just try to not be condescending and always be there for her when she needs you, like when the baby comes along. She has no idea what she's in for, nobody at 20 does. She will need her Mother by her side to help her, just try to do it in a way where she thinks it was her idea all along. Things will eventually work out. Its not the end of the world just because she has a sorry-a** boyfriend and she dropped out of college and got pregnant and has no job, trust me. She could be completely out of your life, or worse, she could be dead. Then THAT would be the end of the world. Just let her know everyday how much you love her and that you will always take her back in and care for her if she needs you to. She will wake up and realize her man is no good, all these things take maturity, and she is so young. She is going to be a mommy, that will change her outlook on life. So what if she owes everyone money, lots of people owe money. Just don't turn your back on her, she needs you more than you know, she just may be afraid to ask.

Answer 4

nicely immediately my women are both lower than 8, so it will be problematic to imagine what i'd do even as they get to the age the position which will be achievable. i'd imagine that not purely would I be damage that I had to ascertain that way, i'd sense like a failure as a mom for most motives- A. she should have the ability to come back to me with something, fantastically with that. If she sounds like she cant then I have failed. B. I must have suggested her extra acceptable of the end results of unprotected sex (or maybe secure). C. i'd sense so unhappy that her existence (if nonetheless a teen) would significantly and irrevocably replace. Now, if she become an individual i'd nonetheless be damage yet truly satisfied...or maybe if she turned right into a teen happiness would finally come after the marvel with the aid of the indisputable fact that would nonetheless be my grandbaby wow I placed way too a lot idea into this, hypothetically i'd in simple terms get her appeared at

Answer 5

well if i were you i would call social services and have the child taken away temporarily. when she is taken away tell the judge or who ever your saposed to tell, tell them that you would like custody of the child temporarily till your step daughter can show that she can turn her life around so that she can do better for her child, and if it does not happen tell them that you want to have full custody. i have an aunt doing the same thing, sometimes even if it is not your life you have to intervien and this is a good case that should have an intervention. so maybe taking the child away from her will make her make better choices in life and get her on her feet again. and if not, well at least you know the child will be ok with you. good luck it is not easy doing this to someone you love ,but you have to think about the child too.

Answer 6

Well if she's in love with him i would say thats why. And be happy she made it that far, atleast she got to college, and waited till 19 to get prego. Things of her oculd alwyas be a lot worse. And instead of asking us, why dont you ask her where she wants her life to go. Communication.im sure my mom probaly wants more for me. But its up too her, and i really dont think she would be doing all of that just to piss you off on purpose. I meen why would she go through all that just to get you mad. My father kept a tight leash and i got into more "bad" stuff when i entered the real world. If she has to go to jail, then so be it. Its her life, apparently this is the way she wants to live, or shell change it

Answer 7

Your question hit home with me when I was 19 I married and got pregnant by a loser. My mother hated him I think that is why I got with him at first to piss her off. I thought I was all grown up and knew how to take care of my self I was wrong. I know you don't want her with him but there is nothing you can do about it. The more you protest the closer that is going to bring her to him. I would bet that there is abuse going on and that is why your daughter stays, unless she is using drugs. Whatever the reason all you can do is be there for her and your grand child and hope one day she sees the light. Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 8

Just be there for her when she falls. If you love her be there for her. You will never make her see the truth because she's in love and they are having a baby. She thinks he will change. I have been there and I lost my Mom over this. years later and my Mom and I have no relationship. I'm not with that guy any more but she will never trust my judgment again. I would have liked unconditional love from her. For her to say I still love you. It's OK.

Answer 9

Dear Sandra, I can hear your pain and anguish over your daughter's choices and I sympatize with you being a mother myself. That being said, I invite you to just be there for her, with your love and patience. You might be her last strong pole, the one that she will be able to reach for, when she will choose to play a different game, because you know, this is just a game. Just stand tall for her, be there and don't close any doors by being judgemental or dramatic. Just be there for her and remind her that, every time you get a chance. Good sailing !

Answer 10

Just stay by her side, and at least you'll have comfort in knowing that when her boyfriend leaves her or ends up dead, which ever comes first, you will be there for her. Not to judge, talk crap about, or critize her every move, but just to love her. She'll come around to the fact that moms are usually always right when it comes to their daughter's boyfriends.