2006-07-07 07:25:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up ... you're next!"
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
A blonde gets on a elevator and a man is standing there and she turned and smiled at him and said; "Hi.....T.G.I.F." " S.H.I.T. " replied the man "Excuse me...how rude T.G.I.F." responded the blonde "S.H.I.T." replied that man "Maybe you don't know what I am saying, T.G.I.F means Thank Goodness It's Friday!" " You didn't understand me, S.H.I.T ....."Sorry honey, it's Thursday
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one asks."Oh! I died in a freezer," the second blonde replied." So how did you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I coming upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman," replied the first blonde. The second blonde then says, "If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!"
Fat
Yo momma’s so fat she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo mommas so fat that she has to wear two watches cuz she takes up two time zones.
Yo momma’s so fat she was in the middle of the highway I tried to swerve but ran out of gas.
Yo momma’s so fat she started singing "we are family, McDonalds, Burger King and me.
Yo mommas so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!
Yo momma’s so fat when she put on high-heels and walked out onto the street, she struck oil!
Yo momma’s so fat that when she was floatin' in the ocean Spain tried to claim her as the new world.
Yo momma’s so fat when she jumped on a trampoline with yellow on, the sun said I give up!
Yo momma’s so fat when she went to the beach and got into the water scientist classified her as a new species of whale.
Yo momma's so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo momma's so fat she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, and Chicago, NY.
Yo momma's so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn".
Yo momma's so fat that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"
Yo momma's so fat when I took her to the beach, little kids surrounded her and chanted "Free Willy, Free Willy"!
Yo momma's so fat she gets clothes in three sizes: extra fat, jumbo, and ohmygodit'scomingtowardsus!
Yo momma’s *** is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for having 20 lbs. of crack
Yo momma’s so fat that when she fell no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.
Yo momma’s so fat that when she stood up everyone yelled out "eclipse"!
Yo momma’s so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat *** out of the way.
Yo mama's so fat n black, she jumped in the ocean and they thought she was an oil spill.
Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
Yo mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall!
Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
Yo mama's so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirits.
Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks.
Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters
Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Yo mama's so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial.
Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
Yo mama's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat.
Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
Yo mama's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet.
Yo mama's so fat, last time she went to Sea World Shamu got a hard on.
Yo mama's so fat, NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozone layer.
Yo mama's so fat, NASA orbits satellites around her.
Yo mama's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.
Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama's so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
Yo mama's so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!"
Yo mama's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"
Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code
Yo mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back and said "I'll wait my turn."
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the whales started singing "We are family!"
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back and said "I'll wait my turn."
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the whales started singing "We are family!"
Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Yo mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on the corner and the police came & said "Break it up!"
Yo mama's so fat, she went on a seafood diet... Whenever she saw food she ate it.
Yo momma so fat she don't sit in the house, she sits around the house.
Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
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stupid
Yo momma’s so stupid, she makes blondes look smart.
Yo momma’s so stupid I told her I was going to get her Tommy HILL figure and she told me she already tried to lose weight.
Yo momma's so stupid, that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
Yo momma’s so stupid she called the cocaine hotline to order some.
Yo momma's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911?"
Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.
Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke."
Yo mama's so stupid, when they said they were playing craps she went and got toilet paper.
Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.
Yo mama so stupid that when she took the Pepsi challenge she chose Jiff
Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.
Yo mama so stupid she thought Boys II Men was a day care center.
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ugly
Yo mama's so ugly, her pillow cries at night.
Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit.
Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow ran away from her.
Yo mama's so ugly, she makes blind children cry.
Yo mama's so ugly, she makes onions cry.
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
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old
Yo momma so old she knew burger king when he was a prince
Yo momma so old she has an autographed bible
Yo momma old she knew the dead ocean when it was sick
Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white.
Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the ***** died
Yo mama's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book.
Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda.
Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class
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skinny
Yo momma so skinny you can see her farts
Yo mama's so skinny, I could blind-fold her with dental floss.
Yo mama's so skinny, her nipples touch.
Yo mama's so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she would look like a zipper.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she wore her yellow dress, she looked like a #2 pencil.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can see out the peephole with both eyes.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can dodge rain drops.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a yeast infection she'd be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can hula hoop in a fruit loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, her pants have one belt loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had dreads I'd grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.
Yo mama's so skinny, she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnant.
Yo mama's so skinny, she uses Chapstick for deodorant.
2006-07-07 07:32:00 · answer #1 · answered by JEFF HARDY #1 FAN 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
there once was three guys who had a airplane crash, & landed in a canible camp. The canibles told 'em to pick any kind of friut that they found or they will eat 'em. The first guy came back with a basket full of cherries. The canibles told him to stick them down his asshole. He refused, but they threatened him with his life, so he did. Latter the 2nd guy came back with a bascket of wallnuts, he was told to do the same, & he did. By now the 3rd guy came. At this point the first guy died of laughter. When he got to heaven, the angel at the gate asked him: "u were at ur last cherry why did u do that?" he answered, "When I saw the last guy coming with watermelons, I couldn't stop myself.
Ps. do u like it
2006-07-07 07:40:13 · answer #2 · answered by Natalia 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yea, here is a joke
one girl wanted to ask a question on yahoo answers. she wanted to ask "does anyone know any good jokes?" but instead she said "any 1 no any good jokes lik all kinds?"
hahah, very funny, isn't it?
2006-07-07 07:29:21 · answer #3 · answered by ☆Princess NonO☆ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
New Rules In Hell
A man dies and goes to Hell, where he is greeted by the Devil.
The man looks around and sees no fire or people being tortured, nothing uncomfortable, and asks, "where is all the horrible things that Hell has to offer me? I might as well get started now".
The Devil says, " Things have changed down here".
He asks the man, "Do you like to drink alcohol?"
"Oh, Yes!" replied the man, with a big smile.
"Well you are in luck", Says the Devil, "because on Mondays there is drinking all day, anything that you want"
"Wow, that's sounds great", the man says.
"How about sex? Do you like sex?" the Devil asks.
The man replys, "Love sex, just never could get enough".
The Devil replys, "Well we will take care of that little problem, we have sex all day on Tuesday".
The smile continues to grow wider on the mans face.
He is then asked if he had any homosexual tendancies.
"Absolutely not!", he says emphatically, "I can't stand queers!"
The Devil smile at him and says, "You are really going to hate Wednesdays then."
2006-07-07 08:29:27 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
2006-07-09 01:17:34 · answer #5 · answered by Wolfie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Here's one my BF told me that I thought was pretty funny, but I'm pretty easily entertained. LOL
There's this Indian standing on a side walk when this woman walks by. As she passes the Indian raises his hand and says, "Chance!". A few moments later another woman passes and again the Indian raises his hand and says, "Chance!". The woman, hearing what he said to her and the woman in passing prior to her took interest. A moment later she hears him repeat this to yet another passerby. She walks up to him and politely asks the Indian, "Excuse me, but you're Indian right?", whereas the Indian replies with a nod. To this the woman continues to ask, "If you're Indian, aren't you supposed to say 'How!' ?" as she too raises her hand. The Indian nods and replies, "Me know'em how, me want chance.".
2006-07-07 07:33:36 · answer #6 · answered by stepmomster22 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
merely ask him. My boyfriend replaced into truly complicated, previously we began relationship, he'd say he loved me. and we wouldnt communicate for a lengthy time period so i assumed he didnt any extra. then he'd tell me lower back. So yeah, merely ask him. provide him a note and merely be like "Do you want me? because i'm at a loss for words about you liking me or not."
2016-11-06 01:18:01 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What should everyone do to have an anonymous job?
Be a Stalker.
What do you do with boogers?
Pick it ou,eat it,puke it out,stick it up your BeHind,try to pick it out,form it into it's original shape, stick it back up your nose, repeat process until your booger is all mushed up.
2006-07-07 07:33:21 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
All the jokes I know are bad jokes.
2006-07-07 07:27:16 · answer #9 · answered by Scooter Mimi 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ITS DUMB BUT WHATEVER
why did the coyboy get a dachshund?
because his friends told him to get a long little doggie!
coyboy people will get wgat im saying
2006-07-07 07:28:09 · answer #10 · answered by Spielberg 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I saw two homeless people making out, so I yelled to them "Hey! get a box!"
2006-07-07 07:28:26 · answer #11 · answered by EmEsBee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋