Let's discuss this> Choosing adoption over abortion, is their a stigma?

Question

Let me start by saying I am pro-choice, have never been pregnant, and thus, have never had an abortion nor have I ever had to give up a child for adoption. Nevertheless, I have been thinking about these issues. I hear many arguments for women to choose adoption over abortion. However, do you feel there is an inherent stigma surrounding adoption? Is adoption looked down upon? Are the natural birth mothers looked upon as lesser or unworthy beings because they were unable to take care of their child? I wonder about the situation of a women faced with people paralleling abortion with murder, yet also facing adoption as possibly being seen by others that she is an "unloving" person not interested in the life of her child. Let's discuss.

Remember, we are not debating if adoption is better/worse than abortion. We are debating if adoption (in place of abortion) carries a stigma, or is stigmatized.

Answer 1

As a mother who has lived out many dilemmas in my life and has had experiences ranging from being forced to relinquish my child at the age of 15, the subsequent aftermath of that 'choice' (one that was made for me, which is a whole book in and of itself due to the emotional turmoil of being seperated from my first-born)...3 years later burying a 3 mos old baby who died of S.I.D.S,
And then soon after finding myself at 19 pregnant again, extremely unstable due to these and other issues, in an abusive relationship, and not knowing what to do..
.
Would I choose adoption? NEVER!!!!

The adoption insdustry is a billion dollar industry, and as such, it is as cunning and manipulative as any other industry, if not worse imho because they potray themselves as noble do gooders out providing a necessary social good.... It preys upon the vunerable, as anti-adoption protestesors say abortionists do. Yet they are even more cunning, at least in an abortion clinic, the procedure is explained, you are FULLY informed...With adoption this is NOT the case..Adoption promoters prey upon a MOTHER'S (not 'Birth'-Mothers which is what adoptionists will call an expectant mother who is considering adoption, this term is in and of itself is a derogatory statement because it refers to the bodily function of giving birth, so do we call the man the 'ejactulatory'-father?) own love for her child, lurring her into a false sense of selflessness and duty to give her child 'better'....They focus on what they consider the negatives of her situation, perhaps her age, her marital status if unmarried, her economic situation, they INSIST that they have adopters willing and ready to offer HER child a better life...
What adoptionists FAIL to relay is that adopters can and do divorce, that they can and do lose their good jobs and economic status, they fail to relay that the child can be abused, verbally, physically or sexually, all completely OUT of the hands of the natural mother once she signs on the dotted line....They also fail to relay that many adoptees have issues, that some if not many have abandonment issues, mental health institutions are filled with adoptees, dont take it from me, check my sources!

If I only had sources to rely upon, that would be one thing, but I have life experience, my son, who is now 20 yrs old, has suffered from issues his whole life,...and wouldnt it be just great to blame that on heredity, (which of course his adoptive parents do) I was one mother who was fortunate enought o have found my son ( further de-bunking the myth 'we' don't want to be found,in my experience through years of support groups large percentages of natural mothers relish the idea of reunion with their lost children) We were reuinted through clues I received in letters from his adoptive parents and my constant urging due to MANY reasons...This is a little lengthy, but there are sooo many reasons I pushed reuniting with my son, I will give several examples..In one letter sent to the adoption agency (she wrote me updates every several years) she made the statement that my son would have died if a teenager raised him, (great thing to hear after I had a child die to SIDS) because he was so 'wild and hornery'. This staement alone gave me all kinds of red flags!!
I believed this to be a genetic issue, my whole family are higher strung A type personalities.. Of course these of are of little importance to many (not all) adopters, due to their need and desire for a child of 'their own' many completely dismiss the fact that an adopted child comes with a genetic make-up completely seperate from theirs and hence this would cause personalities and behaviors unlike their own...The other red flags were the words she would use in her letters to describe my son, he's 'weird' 'uncoordinated' 'loner' 'awkward' 'outcast' and other statements, I cannot recall all of them, but all of which caused me reason to believe my son needed to know his roots, to not feel he was so different then those who shared his genetic make-up...Of course the fact that he was put on ritalin at 7 yrs old frustrated me as well, because these were the result of personality rather than chemical ( and nopw what I believe to be her own faulty parenting)
.But of course, I had absolutely no say in how my child was to be raised!
I had hoped to share more intimately with her about our family origin, our personality types, ect....Hoping she would be receptive to the idea that adoption inherently brings its own set of issues. I suggested books to read about adoptee issues from very reputable sources...Which she replied that his were definitely NOT adoption issues, but ADHD issues..
When my son got my first letter at the age of 10, he cried all night, he wanted to find me....He wrote me back, 'Dear Mom' oh the tears!!!!
My son was just here last month at my home for a visit with his 'mama'...He has addiction issues, has been smoking crack for several years and more...He has been in and out of mental institutions...I have attempted to find help only to have her not follow through with my suggestions, because this is just a 'phase'.....Of course, I lost all ability to have a say in my son's life when the papers were signed....
I say all this to say adoption is NO guarantee that a child will have a BETTER life, it does guarantee they will have a DIFFERENT life, seperate and apart fromt those who share their genetic makeup....Apart from the woman who loved and nurtured him for 9 mos and whose heartbeat only that child knows....

I do not believe every woman who bares a child is fit to be a mother, apparent in our nations abuse rate, I also believe some women who are infertile are so for a reason....

But do I feel adoption is the loving, slefless, noble choice it is so deceptively made out to be, no I do not....

Do wish I had chosen abortion when confronted with my pregnancy at 14, honestly, after all the pain and anguish my son and I have both endured, I have often asked myself the same question, he is a tortured soul, this has also deeply and adversely affected my life as well.... After all the years of him being made to feel like less than, the damage is done..Do I love and cherish him, you better believe it!! Am I glad he's alive...?
UNDOUBTABLY.....

I appreciate you bringing up this discussion, I hope I have added another perspective aside from the 'adoption is beautiful' ones I have read here....
Being a 'birth' mother is no picnic, I have left several links to the 'other side' of adoption if you wish to investigate this issue further! These 2 links will also offer a WEALTH of other links !!
All my Best!
Christina
(PS, sorry for any grammatical errors as it is late, Im tired and the spell check isnt working and I made alot of revisions, so I hope you'll bare with any flaws)

Answer 2

I feel that a woman that gives her child up for adoption is a very selfless person. Even though she knows she is unable to provide for her child, she enables another woman to raise her child. The woman carries the child, gives birth to the child, and then hands the child over to a well-deserving family. Abortion, the woman thinks only of herself. She doesn't seem to care that her child can be given a happy, loving home. She just wants to be done with it. I've never been in the situation. I have 2 children and even though their father and I were young when I gave birth, neither adoption nor abortion ever crossed our minds. My aunt placed her son up for adoption 36 years ago. My aunt has never owned a home. She's always been a pretty poor person. She met the son she gave up again last year. He was married, owned a great business, had a beautiful wife and beautiful children. His adoptive parents gave him the life that my aunt never could. I have always felt that abortion is nothing more than a selfish act in which a child is murdered. I will always feel that way. And to answer your question, I do not feel adoption is stigmatized. Those that feel that adoption is stigmatized probably never adopted a child.

Answer 3

well...this is always a good way to start a debate. There is always a reason society looks down on another person for certain choices they make outside the "norm". We are brought up: you graduate school, go to college, get married, have kids, raise kids, have a career, and retire in Florida. When you go outside these "guidelines" you have failed. Whether you have a child out of wedlock, have an abortion, or simply choose to put that child up for adoption. Neither choice is praised, or honored. No matter what a woman chooses, she loses.

If you chose to raise the child on your own, you have failed that child by not providing the "norm".

If you have an abortion, you are a murderer. No matter what, this choice always has regret. regardless of religon, regardless of political choice. No woman ever walks in a clinic for the procedure feeling self-righteous.

If you leave the child for adoption, you have the guilt of deserting a human being. you will always live with the feeling of guilt your entire life.

Human nature will always have a reason to put another human being down. It's just the way things are. At the same time, these are our choices to make. the real question is which guilt are we willing to live with?

Answer 4

I believe there is a stigma either way which is why women don't talk to young girls about the mistakes they are making. With that said, I believe adoption is "harder" for many women because there is always the risk they will be found later. I have interaction with many adults who never knew their birth mother and went looking well into their 30s and 40s only to be rejected, again. The mothers, more often that not, wanted to pretend the child did not exist and did not want her current family to know anything about the earlier pregnancy. Obviously, this is not a problem with abortion, but that brings its own inner-turmoil, as well.

Overall, I believe society has to stop pretending that sex education is "dirty" and stop treating children as if something is wrong with them because they are curious about sex. Open, honest discussion can prevent rampant unwanted pregnancy so abortion and adoption are not questions many girls will ever have to face. The cycle will continue until we stop shaming people about something that is not only normal, but can be very beautiful in the right time and place with proper information.

Answer 5

I think when society as a whole thinks of babies available for adoption they think of a teenage girl who "got herself pregnant" (most don't even consider the father) and who decided to give her baby up for adoption because she wanted better for her child than what she could provide. While that situation is probably a significant percent of the reasons children a placed for adoption there are others. Often girls in college in their twenties are faced with the same situation. I don't think of it as a stigma as much as a fact of life. I don't see any female reguardless of her age or circumstance as being unloving for wanting to give up her child for whatever her reason may be. Abortion is legal and available. The mother had to go through pregnacy, labor, and delivery while dealing with whatever in her life made her choose to give her baby up for adoption. That does not seem like someone who is unloving or not interested in the life of her child. To me it seems the oposite. By not taking the easy way out (abortion), she tried to do well by her child at sometimes conciderable difficulties to herself physically, emotionally, and possibly financially. There are sooooooooo many childless couples wanting to adopt there are not enough babies available. I don't think there is a stigma. Of course there will always be people who snub thier noses at others for any reason.

Answer 6

I personally feel that a woman who chooses to give her baby the best life she can is a hero. No woman should ever be ashamed of giving her baby up for adoption. It is a selfless act, as all adoptive parents can testify to. choosing to abort, or murder an innocent child is very selfish. It is obvious that the woman is only thinking of herself and her own convenience. I have a friend who gave up one of her children for adoption years ago because she wasn`t in a position to care for the child adequately. Over the years, she kept in contact with the adoptive family, and the child grew up knowing her birth mother. It was a good situation for all involved. I also know several friends who have had abortions. One of them hears her baby screaming in pain almost nightly from it. she sees a psychiatrist on a regular basis . Both of my friends deeply regret their decision to end their babies` lives. If anything, society looks down on women who are selfish enough to murder another human being, As well it should. As one adopted person I know recently said, and I quote, " I want to thank my birth mother for choosing to give me life,even if she could not provide for me herself,she loved me enough to find me someone who could."

Answer 7

I believe a woman giving up a baby for adoption is being a much better mother/person than one who aborts. She should be looked at as a person who is willing to still go through the pain of childbirth and able to put her baby in the hands of more capable people rather than put herself in the hands of someone who is going to rip her child from her body and kill it without reason. Kudos to women who choose adoption.

Answer 8

I believe people need to stop putting down women that give baby's up for adoption. How many of us can honestly say we have never made a mistake?? So a girl got pregnant accidentally and feel like she can not take care of the baby. I believe she is a responsible and loving parent to choose to give her baby up for adoption. It shows that she cares enough about her baby that she wants it to have a better life than she can give it. I don't look at it as abandoning the baby, i see it as Love for the baby. I think someone who is brave enough to give the baby up is a whole lot better person than the one who decided to have the baby in the park and dump it like a piece of trash. Congratulations to all of you out there who chose adoption!! You rock!!!

Answer 9

Adoption is a very loving option if you do not feel you are capable of taking care of your child. At least you are giving him/her a chance to live with a couple who might not have the chance to have kids and adoption is their only choice, unlike abortion where you kill him/her.

Answer 10

common pregnacy is like adoption its baby and its a kid and there all beautiful