Loving some one else's children...?

Question

I have a nine year old son who I love more then anything. I am not his biological father, but have been there since the day he was born. As far as he knows I am his real father and have always been. Me and his mother were together for 9 1/2 years, but went our different ways. I try to see him as much as I can (and his mother wants me to see him) but my girlfriend only wants him coming over every two weeks. Even with that we get into it eachtime. My girlfriend is also 3 months pregnant. If it wasn't for that I would have left her because my son is more important. I will not let him grow up with out a father. I am wondering what I should do? Either way I will lose....

Answer 1

You could still leave her. She sounds like a super-ho. Tell her she has no say in how often you see YOUR kid.

Answer 2

You should have been more careful not to knock up the gf until you were in a stable marriage and you knew your son (and yes, he is your son for all important reasons) was indeed to be a part of your life.

Quite bluntly, this calls for some toughlove. You can try a therapist and spend a ton of money, or you can make the point abundantly clear - that you ARE dad to this boy and no one, not her and not any other children will change that. You should also make it clear that the baby she is carrying will also get your love and that the existence of your son doesn't in any way, shape or form, take away from her baby's right to a father.

Then you need to talk about her need to grow up and stop being so selfish, and that the issue is a dead one. If she cannot accept your son as an equal part of your life (and hers if the two of you either cohabitate or marry), than SHE will need to live somewhere else and have a new man.

Then tell her you'll still always be there for the baby (provided of course that the paternity test done at birth shows you are dad).

In other words, if she can put aside her issues and act like a loving adult, than so be it. Her baby gets the same consideration and father unconditionally. But if she continues to act like a twit, then you will not only require she live somewhere else (effective pretty much immediately...go rent her an apt), but that you'll need to substantiate that you are the father of her child.

The truth is that the kids are yours (well..we are presuming #2 is yours) and they shouldn't suffer for the decisions of the adults around them, but this girl is not wife material as it stands. So if your relationship can't withstand this test, it has no future anyway.

You will have lost nothing if she leaves because she isn't what you need anyway. A good mate loves you as is, and accepts the baggage you come with.

Answer 3

Good for you for trying to do the right thing. You said "either way I will lose". It isn't about you, it's about the children. The real losers in this situation are the children. There is no question about what you should do. You put your children as the first priority in your life and you don't let anything or anyone (like your current girlfriend) get in the way of that. If this second baby is truly yours (and I would check on that) then you have the same responsibility to that child as you do to your first child. The needs of the girlfriends...and your own needs...come second to the needs of your children. You will have to spend time fathering each child and pay child support for the second child. You will need to maintain healthy, good relationships with the mothers of your children .....for the sake of your children.

You've put yourself into a tough situation here. I think making an intact, loving, mother/father household for at least one of your children is the best option. Marry either your ex or your new girlfriend. You may not want to....but one of your children should have an intact home with a father who is present. Insist on frequent visitation with your other child. After 18 years, then you're free to do whatever the heck you want. In the meantime, don't get a new girlfriend or wife, don't have unprotected sex, and don't make another baby. Make your children your top priority and focus, and you will be giving THEM the best gift possible.

If you need assistance with moral issues or life decisions in general, I suggest you listen to the Dr. Laura radio program. She is very conservative and it may turn you off at first, but keep listening.....she has the wisdom and life experience you might wish any wise mother or grandmother could tell you. Give her a try.

I wish you the very best of luck in your life with your son, and new baby!

Answer 4

Here is my situation: My hunny and I have lived together for a year. My hunny can not have kids. I have a son that is 3 and my hunny is daddy. He also has 3 step daughters and a step son. I encourage him to go see the other kids any time he can. I would love it if they could come here but we live in a different state. My son would think it was cool to have sisters and a brother. We have never gotten to meet his other kids. These are his kids. Just because he did not contribute the dna does not matter. I would be able to respect my hunny if he did not still take care of his kids. I would feel like that would happen to my son one day. I think you are great. Stick with your son and let your girlfriend know that this boy will be the new childs sibling. She should really concider what she would want if you two should split. I am thinking that she is young this kind of understanding comes with age. I hope she comes around and stops giving you hell about this.

Answer 5

I'm so sorry! You are a very very good person. You need to just put your foot down and tell her you will not be done this way nor will you allow it to be done to your son(biological or not) she doesn't seem like a very good person she needs to realize this could be her child being treated this way and see you are just doing the right thing
I know you have a child on the way with her but she sounds like trouble to me and it sounds like more coming in the future, she is trying to control you, don't allow it to happen. In the end she will not be able to keep your child(with her) from you, the best to do is be there for the son you have now and your girlfriend will either stay around or she won' but when she has the baby she can't stop you from seeing it as long as you are a good father and support the baby... I'm very sorry to hear you are being treated this way Good luck

Answer 6

I don't think it is ever the right choice to stay with someone just b/c they are pregnant. I got pregnant with my ex, but left him b/c I knew we weren't right for each other and if we stayed together for our daughter, we would eventually find ourselves in an unhappy relationship...ask yourself, how does the child truly benefit from being with 2 parents who aren't happy together? I think you need to leave her if that is what your gut is telling you to do; and, from the sound of it...I don't think you 2 are right for one another as you are obviously a compassionate and giving individual since you have adopted one child as your own, and she is selfish and only thinks of what is right for her and doesn't seem to care about what is best for you or your son....has she yet thought of what it would do to your 9-year old son if you suddenly dropped out of his life? And, as far as you and your son, and anybody is concerned...you are his one and only father, and she has no right to say when and how much you can see him. He is your son, and you should be able to spend as much time with him as you like. You should put your child first. Trust me, he needs you more than you she does. Just because you aren't with this lady, does not mean that you can't be a fully active and involved father with baby that is on the way. Make sure you are present at the birth, on the birth certificate and get a good lawyer to fight for joint custody. There is no reason why you can't be a terrific Dad to both boys, and eventually even find a woman that appreciates how big your heart is...that you have enough love to go around and are an unselfish and very caring individual. If only there were more people like you in this world...every kid would have a home, have a chance at a stable life and and one without insecurities. It is crazy, because I am practically begging my daughter's father just to notice her, and here you are willing to love any child. I don't think you will lose....you will have both children to love and love you back, and I bet you will have no problem finding a wonderful woman who will respect you for who you are and what you believe in. Best of luck.

Answer 7

I have experience on the other side of the coin. I have a great biological father and have had a wonderful adoptive "father" who was seeing my mother for a long time. It is a wonderful thing to have someone love you just like a son. The more we've aged the more important that adoptive relationship has been to me.

If you feel like that child is your son, then he (and you) deserves every bit as much attention as you would give your real son. It's not your girlfriends place to give you crap about how much time you want to spend with your child. Don't ever let her tell you that you deserve any less because he's not your child by blood.

In fact, don't EVER let anyone give you crap about wanting to spend time with your family!!!

Answer 8

I think sitting down and having a real heart-to-heart is what is needed. As a foster parent for many years, I can totally agree with you. There is nothing wrong with seeing him 50% of the time since you are dad and that is what the courts would give you, if you went that way. She needs to understand it is not an option, and you will feel this same way when your child with her is born as well. As a soon to be mom I would think that should make her very happy to have such an involved mate. I feel that saying you will lose either way is not an option. What are her concerns? Help her by compromising so that she can see the compromise and know you care about her feelings. If counseling is needed, get some! Bottom line, my prayers to you and your growing family =)

Answer 9

you know, I was in the same situation but I was that son that never knew. I'm 38 now and I do wonder about biological father, just for medical reasons. all I can say is good for you to want to give that young boy a male figure in his life. My dad did that for me, I appreciate that from him even thoe he was no there when I was conceived he is my dad, he is the one I call on fathers day.
My parents told me when I was 18.
but now that I am divorced and have 2 kids on my own, I would say leave you girlfriend if you love you ex more. because if you stay and you do not love your girl friend, the child will grow up knowing that, and will think that is how a relationship is. you can be a good father living down the street just as well as one in the same house. Go with the girl you love, and be a dad to both.
when I got married I gave my dad a pocket wacth that said insripted in it, thanks for putting the time, I love you dad.
Its makes me cry now thinking about it. actually my mom told me when I was 18 my dad never knew that I knew until that day. I was 31 when I told him. To me it did not matter he was my dad, I did not need an explanation, he loved me and that was good enough.
go with the Girl you love and be a dad to them both. Good luck, sir. Mike

Answer 10

Sounds like a make or break. I would sit down and express how much each child means to you. You really need to have a deep discusion about the child and what it meant to you growing up to have a father. Make her feel secure about how the child she has will have the same love you give your first child. If she doesn't budge after lots of compassion for something that is so pure, then she must have no heart. On the other had if you already have posted here you already think she won't be able to change. But try and be compassionate.

Answer 11

Wow!...good for you! It is great to see a man taking responibility for a child that is not his. As for your woman...she needs to grow up and start thinking about how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Would she want you to care for her child if it weren't hers? You should have a talk with your girlfriend and find out the real reason why she doesn't want your son around more often and explain how you feel to her. You can never lose if you are trying...you will always win something! Good luck!