How many chances should I give my 21 year old son before I throw him out of the house?

Question

My son is finanancially irresponsible; fails to pay his bills, bounces checks, ignores creditors. I ask only that he keep up with his bills (credit cards, a car and personal loan, insurance), get himself to work every day, do his own laundry. He spends money, lies about it, and then says he doesn't have enough to pay his bills. If he wants gas money, he threatens with "how will I get to work". He has nowhere to go if I throw him out, but I can't take much more of his lies and the way he blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life. I want him out, but it's so difficult....

I did put his clothes in a suitcase this morning....and I took his house key. He has been trying to contact me all day, but I am not answering his phone calls and messages. He definitely is in a panic about not having a place to live.....

Answer 1

What a tricky situation for you. I think deep down you already know the answer.

Throwing him out will no doubt lead to you being estranged for a while, but when he has grown up a bit and realises where he went wrong, he WILL thank you.

You just have to do it, and be really really strong and firm.

Answer 2

Think you have got to be cruel to be kind. Tell him that you want him out of the house within a week. That will give him some time to get somewhere to stay even if it's only temporary. He says that he has nowhere to go, but there must be B&Bs in your town, or a hostel he can stay in. There will be somewhere. Tell him you have had enough of his guilt trips, emotional blackmail and irresponsibility.

He blackmails you with 'how will I get to work?' What you can reply is 'well, you are spending money on plenty of other things, you can bloody well afford a taxi to work.' This turns the situation in your favour. If he knows you will no longer tolerate his sloppy attitude, then he will be forced to clean up his act.

The only reason he carries on like this, is because he knows you will come picking up the pieces after him. That's not criticising you because you are only being a good mother to him. Thing is, he has got to be a good son in return, and he's not doing that.

Like the previous reply says, there will be some estrangement for a while, but by kicking him out, you will be forcing him to face up to things and sort himself out. He will have to start doing this, because there won't be anybody else around for him to come running to. Once he has realised this, then he will probably get his act together...and thank you for it one day.

Okay, you might feel some guilt for kicking him out, but the flip side is that you will be free of his lies, his blaming you, his negative influence and his lazy attitude. You will be free to get on with your life without him holding you back.

You've done your part, let him do his.

Answer 3

No more chances, be cruel to be kind - he needs to stand on his own two feet. He's an adult now. If this carries on, you will start to really hate him - he sounds like he's manipulating you and being a drain on your finances and your emotional wellbeing. How dare he blame you for everything??? And why have you put up with it for so long - does he enrich your life in any way?? Yes, he's your son, but think what will happen if this carries on.... Does he have a drug problem that would explain his expenditure? You need to set some target dates - like he's got one month to find somewhere else to live and help him find somewhere. Look online to get some sound advice for him about how to manage his money and pay off some debts - Alvin Hall has fantastic tips on this. Good luck, whatever you do xx

Answer 4

You've already answered your own question by asking it. You know your son has no more chances left and you feel you want some support to take the last step. Understandable. If you don't push him out into the big world now you might live to regret it. One day you will turn round and you'll see a 35 year old no-hoper lounging on the sofa...that IS a nightmare!

Answer 5

I think you have done evreyhting you can for your son, however i feel that your son is probably feeling like a failure and constantly letting you down, so it seems that you expect him to now so he has gave up. I think to build some bridges you should accompany him to see a financial adviser who will take over his income and outgoings - taking the load off you - if you do this together your son will in the end- when he has learnt the value of money- be very very grateful and will appreciate having such a wonderful understanding mam. Please don't throw him out he needs help too as no-one willingly hurts their parents

Answer 6

I feel for you. I have somewhat of the same situation with a step. Her father pays her bills, rent, insurance and does not understand why this makes me so angry (she is not working). You know what you have to do, no matter how difficult it is. There comes a time in every parent's life when you have to think of your own interests. This child is dragging you down. I know how much you love him and you so want his life to be good. Just ask yourself this question: Are you really helping him by enabling this level of irresponsibility? Good luck to you, my friend.

Answer 7

People will only change when what they are doing isn't working for them any more. As long as you enable him by letting him live with you, the less likely he is to change his behavior. Once he HAS to change because he doesn't have any choice then he will start to make different decisions. Isn't the point of raising children so they will one day be independent? Set him free so he can learn to fly on his own. He has to learn to function on his own. What would he do if ,god forbid, something happened to you? You are doing him more of a disservice by continuing to support him. Once he starts to follow through on choices and have some small successes he will also gain more confidence and self esteem and you can have a relationship with him that is more fun instead of you having to be the bad guy all the time lecturing him. It will be win-win for both of you.

Answer 8

I'm sure it's pretty difficult mam because he's your son. But you have to realize that he's 21 years old and he need to take responsibilities for his own actions. I think if he continues with this non-sense then you should have no other choice than to put him out into the real world. I also think he's old enough to handel himself. I think if you teach him this lesson by putting him out then he'll surly realize what he had before and then he'll probably be more grateful and take in consideration his responsibilities as an adult...hope this helped

Answer 9

Get him a small apartment, pay the first month's rent and utilities, and then tell him it's up to him to make the money for the next month and the rest of the time he lives there. He'll get the picture on how to manage his money real quick.

This way - you did your part - you have nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't kick him out on the street, you got him a place to live. If he doesn't manage it after that, its out of your hands. I have a feeling he will wise up after this though.

Answer 10

I know someone like that.

Remember this: Never allow him to sponge on you without end. By doing this you are enabling him in being irresponsible and a freeloader. Once he is out, he will find ways and means to support himself. You are not obligated to support him after he turns 21. You have to be cruel to be kind. Don't "love" him to death ie spoiling him and allowing him to sponge on you. If you don't kick him out now, he will keep procrastinating and eventually he will stay forever. You did right by taking back the house keys. Pack all his belongings and put them outside your house. Lock up his empty room and all the other rooms in your house to make doubly sure he doesn't go back in.

Answer 11

been there don't that with my oldest who is now 29. I threw in out years ago. my son took knives to my throat and knock a tooth out. it is hard to let go but some times you just have to. let him live on his own. I did and don't want to know my son anymore. I love him very much and I pray for him, but I don't want him in my life anymore. the cops told me that once they get to 18 you don't have to keep them in the house if they don't follow your rules. my other two 28 and 25 live with me and they follow the rules. help with the dishes by putting the away with the dishwasher is finished, clean there room and on cleaning day, vacuum there rooms. the help also with the bills and shopping also. also you can not always blame the parents. children have to learn.