What should I do about my behavior as a parent?

Question

I have three kids...all under the age 9...youngest being a newborn. I have always had, or I thought I always had an anger problem...therpist says I dont...stopped going to her...now what? never would hurt kids.NEVER! but...I do yell a lot..I dont like that about myself..habit...hard to change, I have tried..some name calling..brat and idiot is the worse names I have called..as for the new born. not one problem, he is the apple of my eye, perfect...why can't I have the same feelings for the other 2? Why Can't I be more patient with them, more understanding? why can't I let LITTLE things slid and not care? I expect MORE from oldest and show that towards him, I get mad at him for acting childish...I feel really bad afterwards about it...Please, I do not need people downing me...I do that enough..would like tips..advice..anything to help me change..help me to be more patient, loving and understanding to the other two...

Answer 1

http://www.parentingweb.com/discipline/pw_disc.htm
http://angertoolbox.com/joinclub.html

Edited to add: It also might help to meet other parents in your situation so you can share ideas and have time for yourself once in a while. A happy mommy makes healthy decisions even when angry. It's going to be okay. The first step is knowing you need to do things differently. All the best to you.

http://www.meetup.com

Answer 2

Apply to Dr. Phil! He had an episode on a mother that behaved this way, she didn't realize just how bad it was until she watched herself on video, It broke her heart (and mine)to see the way she treated her children and the sad look in those little faces! For some reason she didn't recognize this in everyday life. Sure she knew she had a problem but was unaware of the extent of it. It may be embarrassing for you to go on national TV but aren't you kids worth it!? He can get you PROFESSIONAL anger management and therapy. You need more help then some opinions from Yahoo Answers!! And remember that you are not alone, there is others with anger issues and as long as you are trying to do better for your kids you are a good mother. Good Luck and Best Wishes.

Answer 3

Who doesn't get angry at their kids? It's frustrating to us because they don't operate on the same level as we do, and we don't keep that in mind. The fact that you yell and that is hard to change is ok, at least you know it's a problem. The most important thing that needs to change RIGHT NOW is calling your children names. They need to know that they are not idiots and brats, although they can act that way sometimes. That differentiation is incredibly important to your child's self esteem and mental well being.

Answer 4

I feel for you, I have the same problem, minus any name calling. But you know it's a problem and you want to fix it. That's awesome. I find I yell so often because my kid is trained to know "Mommy doesn't mean it until she yells at me." If your only problem is yelling then get down to face level with your kids. It will keep you from yelling while your kids are trying to get away from "mad mom". If you have almost uncontrollable anger, where you find yourself yelling to keep from striking, then try to leave the room. I know how you feel! I lose my temper and yell at my son so much...and I feel awful when I yell at him but since I do it, now it's the only way my kid listens to me. Bad cycle. Try to make amends about the name calling though. Brat isn't so bad, I call my kid a brat all the time, I'm just not mean about it.

Answer 5

Sit down and write all the good qualities your kids have. When they start getting crazy think about that list. There are tons of support out their for you. Maybe take a parenting class, they give you some good tools on how to control your anger at the kids. I provided a link but you can find some in your area. I wish you all the luck!!!

Answer 6

A good counselor (maybe a family counselor) should be able to help you with this. Try a different one from the therapist you were seeing before. They are human and sometimes wrong. Do you spend much time away from your children? Maybe you just need a break, some time for yourself. I suggest making time for yourself regularly, because if you don't take care of yourself, how can you do a good job taking care of them? Spend time having fun with your kids, too. Reward your kids for behaving the way you want them to.

Answer 7

When you have a newborn baby it is easy to see him or her as perfect, and the older children as imperfect or bratty. You can try to seperate yourself from frustrating situations. When things start getting out of control and you feel like you're going to snap, put YOURSELF in time out. Take the baby if you need to, and tell your kids as calmly as possible that you need to take a break so you can think clearly. Lock yourself in your room for a few minutes and take some deep breaths...remember that your children are important and the way you treat them now will affect them forever. Think about how you want them to grow up and treat their own children, then treat them that way.

If you call your child a name like "brat" or "idiot", apologize! It will help your children to see that even their mom can admit to making a mistake. I have been very flustered over the past couple weeks and ended up saying something to my son that really hurt him. When I realized how out of control my temper was getting, I got down to his level and gave him a hug, and said I was sorry. He started crying so hard...it seemed like he was afraid to cry before because he thought he might get into trouble.

Which brings me to another thing...even if you really don't feel like it, give your kids hugs and kisses when they're getting on your nerves. 99% of the time my 2 older kids cry and scream and get into trouble because they want my attention. When I give it to them, the bad behavior stops and we all get along.

Do something fun & silly with them. When the baby is sleeping, we do moving-around games like Follow The Leader or Simon Says. The kids have a ball and they think it's hilarious to see me acting like a little kid instead of a boring ol' mom.

Good luck...I know it can be hard to see yourself in this way. It might help also to find a new therapist who will really listen to you.

Answer 8

get organized....this will be tough and take a hefty effort from you, but you're probably feeling overwhelmed if you feel you have to fight ALL the battles.

get up before the kids do spend a few moments by yourself, lay out clothes their night before...get a couple of clothes hampers, so the clothes can be sorted as they get tossed, so when you have time you have a load ready to be washed, without sorting through everything. get containers and boxes to put toys in, labeled with pictures, so the kids can pick things up themselves...have an adults only room, where no kids and no toys ever go...your room would be great, and always have your bed made and your room neat, so when you escape to your room, its peaceful. plan meals for the week, so you're not trying to decide what to cook with kids hanging on you, you'll already know. never go to bed with dirty dishes still in the sink, because the kitchen is one of the first places you come to in the morning, and if you see chores first thing, its enough to put you on edge all day. have your kids in bed by 8pm, and when the oldest is too old for that, after 8 is quiet time for him. this gives you adult time at the end of the day to wind down.
don't expect much from a 9 year old, but he's definitely old enough to put his clothes in a hamper (though not the ones for sorting) and put his toys away (say no more than 3 different toys out at a time...if he wants 4th, he'll have to put another one away, and learn to take his dishes to the sink.

have routines. stick to them. have rules. stick to them. (but not too many) have set punishments for breaking particular rules. stick to them. consistency, with just a touch of flexibility is the key to the game in both raising well adjusted kids and keeping your own sanity. but don't get so rigid, that if your routine is thrown off, you go nuts for the day; the way to allow for that is to not pack too much into your routine, so that it can be flexible.

general parenting tips - you HAVE to stop with the names RIGHT NOW - that hurts a child more and stays with them longer than a spanking ever will.
when you talk to the children, talk TO them, not AT them. this means making them stop what they are doing and pay attention to your words, and then you get down to their level and make eye contact. This really really works and is important. this makes your kids realize that you respect them.

Answer 9

For my kids I do IT (intensive training) works GREAT! I have them do sit ups, push ups, wall sits, or a combination depending on the severity of the offense. My pediatrician, nurse EVERYONE (minus kids) love it. They say it is good for them. I don't spank, yell or anything. Kids start acting up I ask them if they want to do some IT, they say no and simmer down it works wonderfully! As for patience, well this will give you some leverage...be forewarned though, they will whine fuss and complain, my solution? I make them sit on their bed hands on lap until they are ready to do their punishment, as a bonus they must do two punishments for not cooperating.

Answer 10

I'm not downing you, but calling your children names such as brat and idiot are not only bad for their self esteem, but they will also be what you tell them they are. Meaning, if you call them idiot (which means stupid, if they know that) they will act stupid. I understand you may be frustrated. Try giving them time outs - make them go to their rooms (separately, of course) - make them write 100 times what they did wrong, "I will not hit my sister." These things work. Also, take things from them such as TV, video games, whatever their favorite toys are - as a consequence of not listening, but do not call them names or tell them to shut up, that is very damaging.