How do I handle feeling unloved by my mother?

Question

My mother goes out of her way to make me feel bad. Nothing I ever do is right and I find myself trying so hard to please her. I threw her a surprise party 2 years ago and instead of thanking me, she told me that she did not ever want me to do that for her again and the happier I am she will find some way to make me feel bad in her own little way.
I am an adult now and I can't take it anymore, should I stay away from her or just deal with it?

Answer 1

Your mom sounds like my dad. If you've made your concerns known and she continues to treat you badly, then I'd think over the relationship. Just like any person who is unsure of themselves, they put others down to make themselves feel better. It sucks, I know, but as an adult you are responsible for YOUR actions. Some would like to think that time will give someone an opportunity to think about their actions. But you have to remember that your mother has been like that for years. The likelihood of her realizing and changing are slim to none. Hopefully, accepting what your mother is like is enough. If not, then maybe you need to give yourself some space.

Answer 2

First I would like to say I am so sorry you are going thru this type of problem with your Moms. " Maybe she just didn't want you to spend your money"... I use to feel the same about my mother when I was younger. I thought that no matter what I did my mother or father for that matter didn't care and that they were always out to hurt me in some way or another. As I got older instead of seeking professional help. I moved away and wouldn't visit them thinking this would solve the problem. But the pain was still there and I tried to bury it deep inside and began to have some major problems with drug and alcohol abuse! And only after I went for help was I able to realize that it wasn't that they didn't love me. But that they both had their own issues with love and being able to show it... It was their problems. And I was able to regain a relationship with my Mom and Dad. And my dear mother past away 12 yrs. ago and I thank god that we got an understanding and became good friends before she past! And I know she loved me very much! There is not a day that goes by that I do not not miss her!
My advise to you is to try and get some professional help for yourself and if possible your Mom. Because if you don't you will regret it. For I am sure she loves you! A dad can be anyone but there is only one MOM lol!
God Bless you and good luck!

P.S I have a daughter she is now 34 yrs. old and I've made it apoint to tell her and show her I love her everyday since she was born...

Answer 3

I would advise you to accept your mother as she is because she won't change. Very few people ever do. Visit her, and tell her you love her. Share only "need-to-know" information with her and be pleasant. Remember her birthday with a card, same for Christmas and Mothers Day. Respect her because she is your mother. That way, you can't say you didn't remember her or neglect her. Then...live your life the way you want and don't go out of your way trying to make her love you. It's not worth the effort. Find some good friends, maybe older women who can give you the comfort and support you want so badly. If she ever questions you about your life, tell her you are just fine...if she questions about your actions, be truthful and tell her how you feel and you are doing the best you can. I doubt if she will though. Love yourself and forget about trying to please anyone who doesn't love you in return.

Answer 4

i know this is long...but please read it!! I totally know how your feeling....my father and I have NEVER been close, not since I was 15 or so. I was not a perfect girl growing up and he holds that against me still to this day!! Even now that I am grown up (33) have a child of my own, he still is an *** to me!! He treats his grand kids really good and my sister-in-laws really good too. He never be-littles them. He takes what they have to say to heart and does not blow them off or think they r talking out their ***.. He has always treated me differently. I am adopted and at times I feel like he wishes I was not around or that he adopted a boy. I have 3 brothers (which is my parents children, (not adopted) he has always treated them great. At Easter he huged and thanked all my sister-in-laws and I got a pat on the arm. He never wishes me a happy birthday, I can be standing in front of him on my b-day ...nothing!! He has always been emotionally abusive and even physically abusive when I was younger, not like he beat the hell out of me but a couple of slaps, hits, belt beatings, still hit the category of physical abuse. I have tried and tried to be the "perfect" daughter, I have done things just because I thought he would be proud of me but, that usually never helped, if it did it didn't last!! I keep saying to myself "whatever" I don't need him but, all i want is to be close to him but I know that will NEVER happen. My mom and I are close. She is a great mom and grandmother, really I could not ask for a better mother. I am sorry your going through this, I really know how you feel and the sadness and upset this causes. It sucks!! I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do, god bless!!

Answer 5

You could see a therapist... there is probably nothing wrong with you... but seeing a therapist might help you learn how to deal with someone like that. She is probably someone who has had an experience in life that makes he look at the negative points of everything, she probably does this to protect her own feelings in some way. If you don't want to see a therapist read books about dealing with people like this. Don't let it bring you down. You need to keep your self-esteem high... and honestly that in itself is probably the very best way to deal with that! Best wishes for you! I know it's not easy. [e-mail]

Answer 6

I grew up with a father like that.
I haven't spoken to him in over 7 years,
and am much happier without him in my life.

My advice is stay away from her.
The world is a hard enough place to deal with on a daily basis, without any added negativity.

In time, your mother may come to realize what having you in her life meant to her, and may try to make amends for her behavior. If not, then at least you will have already distanced yourself from her and her hurtful criticisms. Love yourself enough not to allow yourself to be mentally abused by anyone regardless of who they are, or their relationship to you.

Answer 7

You love your mother, but feel unloved in return.
Nobody in this world can make others love us; but let ourselves be loved.
Be patient with your mom. I'm sure she has had past unresolved emotional issues that are deep within her.
If you love your mother, be unconditional. Don't expect a return likewise. Make more eye contact with her, listen more to her feelings, try to understand from her standpoint. Don't stay away from her, but respect her privacy. Also, forgive and forget.

Answer 8

we have the same mom..I swear...

I made peace with myself and my decision that I owed her nothing anymore..I tried many times to make her happy to be that good daughter etc..etc..

I rarely go around her ...it's been 7 months since I last saw her and she lives 15 min away from me.

there are times I feel that I should visit etc....and I'm sure when she passes away (knowing my luck the biddy will outlive us all)..that I'll have some guilty feelings....but for now...I'm ok with my decision...she made her bed..now she can deal with it...I have my own full happy life and I don't need her brining me down.

My kids even refuse to go over there...so..not just my sentiments toward her.

Answer 9

Walk away!I had one of these and it has taken YEARS to do this but you can do it.It isn't worth it to waste so much time trying to please someone who never will be.Be civil when you have to but quit trying to win her love.Won't happen.Don't go out of your way for her,don't initiate anything anymore,if she doesn't make the first move then she is out of your life anyway so see how long it will take.No it's not a game and yes it hurts like heck,but you cannot waste any more of your life on hers.Build one for yourself!

Answer 10

well i understand me and my mom never get along and she is always on my case and finding some way to bring me down all i can say is keep trying to make an effort but at one point enough is enough and you need to talk to her have a heart to heart and let her know how you feel.