Here's 2 jokes for you... anyone have some jokes for me?

Question

At a bar, one patron to another:
“Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink.”
"Why?" He asked.
“You’re so ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you”

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A woman puts on a dress two sizes smaller than her large frame and thinking that she looked good she turned to her brother and asked, "How do I look in this dress?"
He said, "Not too bad."
Smiling ever so sweetly, she then started to prance. Realizing his mistake, the brother then said, "I said you don't look TOO bad, that doesn't mean that you don't still look bad."

Answer 1

Two guys die and go to heaven - one is a bum and one is a poet. They go in front of St Peter, and he asks: "What have you done on earth to warrant your entrance into heaven?"
The poet knows right away and says, "I was a great poet. I touched many hearts and souls."
St Peter smiles and then looks at the bum. The bum knows if he says he is a bum will go to hell. So he says, “I was a great poet. I touched many hearts and souls.”
St Peter once again smiles and says, “Not that I do not believe you both – but I am going to have to test you. So give me a stanza ending in ‘Timbuktu’.”
Well the poet has a quick answer. He says, “There was a vessel on the ocean blue, it’s destination, Timbuktu.”
St Peter claps, wipes a tear from his eye and tells the poet to enter heaven.
He then looks at the bum, who at this point was sweating and nervous, and asks him for his poem.
The bum looks around and continues to sweat from his brow.
A few minutes go by and St Peter once again asks him for his poem. So the bum wipes the sweat from his head, clears his voice and says, “Tim and I walked and went. We came across three maidens pitching a tent. Since they were three and we were two. I bucked one and Timbucktwo.”
….and he got in!

Answer 2

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R"; we missed the "R"!!!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was.............CELEBRATE!!!"

Answer 3

here we go again

MORON


How do you confuse a moron?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in one corner!

How did the moron try to kill a bird?
He threw it off a mountain cliff !
(hahaha)
Ways To Annoy People
Name your dog "Dog."
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "eat away your food " !
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
FUNNY DIALOGUES
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Psychiatrist: I'll deal with you later.
Mother: Mrs. Jokes next door has a new baby.
Daughter: What will she do with her old one?
Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Camper: I bent down to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There isn't a B in rose.
Camper: There was in this one!
Polly: Why are you eating nickels?
Molly: Because the teacher wants to see some change in me
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I can't remember anything.
Doctor: How long have you had this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Ben: Did you hear about the new dance called the elevator?
Mike: I sure didn't! What's it like?
Ben: It has no steps!
Teacher: Charles, please use "discount" in a sentence.
Charles: Yes, ma'am. "Does discount as a sentence?"
Teacher: Duff, please use the word "window" in a sentence.
Duff: Yes, sir, here goes: "I entered a contest but didn't window."
Billy: Do you write with your right or left hand?
Joel: My left hand.
Billy: Wrong! You write with a pencil
Teacher: Say, you can't sleep in my class.
Student: I could if you didn't talk so loud.
HOW CHILDREN DRIVE THEIR TEACHERS CRAZY !

Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
Student: The brain is a wonder full thing
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Student: Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!

Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!

TEACHER :Give me three reasons why the world is round
Pupil : Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so !

TEACHER : What is the plural of mouse ?
Pupil :Mice
TEACHER : Good, now what's the plural of baby ?
Pupil : Twins !

TEACHER : What's the longest word in the English language ?
Pupil : Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters !

teacher:Why does history keep repeating itself?
student:Because we weren't listening the first time!

Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math!



Yo momma jokes

Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo momma so fat shes on both side of the family.
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo momma so short she gotta slam-dunk her bus fare!
Yo momma so old, she older than yo grandma!
Yo Momma so poor I walked into your house and 3 roaches tripped me & tried to take my wallet!
Yo Momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"
Yo mommas teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo mommas teeth are so yellow, I can't believe its not butter.
yo mama so fat she carry a toaster like a beeper
yo mama so fat when she farted i tried not to laugh but the floor was cracking up
yo mama so stupid she return a puzzle back to the store cause she thought it was broken
Yo momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."!!
yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn OFF the surveillence cameras!!!
your mama's so fat, when she walked past the t.v. I missed 3 episodes.
your mama's so dumb, she planted 2 nickels hopin' for a dime

Answer 4

Willys cynical thought for the day;

If money is, really, the root of all evil, why do preacher's want it so freaking badly?

There was a drunk guy, in a bar drinking. He was already pretty well souced and was starting to get nasty; cursing and starting arguements with everybody. A young lady came in the bar and went, to get a drink, beside him. He whispered in her ear, "Hey Baby how about it? Me and you get a bottle and get a seat in back!"

She just looks at this pittiful creature, and when her drink comes she starts walking away.

The guy says loudly, "Sweety you sure look like you can use the money, but I only have two dollars!"

She looks back at him and, in a loud voice, replys, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

Answer 5

OK nice jokes but not as good as this.read along:
once a lady was sitting in a restaurant having dinner.when she was to pay her bill she realized that her purse was missing.she asked the watchman of the restaurant if she had seen somebody take her purse.he denied but she forced him to tell her who stale her purse.fed up of the woman the watchman told him that there r 3 lanes from here dint go in the 1st not in the 2nd go in the third.then you will see3 buildings go in the 3rd then you will see 3 lifts in the building go in the 3rd.then go to the 3rd floor ,to the 3rd flat ,in the 3rd room.in that room you will see a cupboard.open it you will see an envelope in it open it .that is my mothers photo.i swear on her i havent seen the thief.


hahahha nice one is it not??

Answer 6

How do you know if a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
If your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant?

Why was Jesus not born in France?
Because they could not find three wise men or a virgin.

How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
All of them. One to screw it in, and the rest to brag about how great the French are at screwing.

What does Maginot mean in German?
"Welcome."

When a Frenchman first joins the army, what is he first taught to say?
"I surrender" in German.

What two things can't you have for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner. (I got this from McDonald's.)

Answer 7

OK three man were lost in a island they meet a tribe of barbarian . the barbarian said bring me three of the same fruit if i like what u pick ill let u go the first guy brought apple the barbarian said stuff it up your butt but if u laugh u die . he stuff 1 but he laugh so he got kill . the second guy brought blue berry same as the first if u can stuff up your butt without laughing u can go on the second one he laugh so he die. in heaven the first guy ask men u were easy to stuff that up your butt but way did u laugh . the second guy answer was the third guy brought pineapple.

Answer 8

There was this couple who lived in a nursing home. One day when they were walking outside Henry the old guy fell into the pool so Lucy the old woman jumped in and saved him. A couple hours later a nurse came up to Lucy and said i got good news and bad news.

the good news is we r going to release u today so u get to go home.

the bad news is Henry hung himself in the bathroom.
"No he didnt i hung him there to dry, so when do i get to go home?"

Answer 9

New York style of Mouth to Mouth resuscitation. They get right up close to the person's mouth and yell "Start breathing before you fu*king die"

Answer 10

A man walks into a psychatrists office wearing nothing but seran wrap. The psychatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts!"