Why do we stay with spouses that are mentally ill?

Question

Have been married to my husband four 5 yrs and we were together for 3 before that. Has been diagnosed with Manic depression and Bi-polar 4 months after we were married and had a bad episode. Not a nice person doesn't like to hold a job etc

Answer 1

because you married the person and not the illness - Unless you have children and you have no more feelings for him then it would be ok to leave the relationship. Mental illness unfortunately changes the person and it is very hard to continue without getting something in return - maybe that's what you like about the relationship that you will never have to rely on being emotionally susceptible

Answer 2

My mother has been married to my manic depressive father for 33 years. He has been in and out of mental hospitals, and held jobs for awhile and lost them. He has never really been able to gain stability. Hopefully with all the great new medications your husband will be able to. Anyways, my mother stays with my father because she deeply loves him. She hates his illness, but that isn't who he is. When he is feeling good he is the most wonderful person. He is sweat and caring and a good father to me and my sister. When he's sick that's another story. If your husband was diagnosed with cancer would you leave him? You married him for a reason, and hopefully that was love. That love should over win his illness. It can be so frustrating living with someone who has bi-polar disorder. To be able to manage it you might want to see a counselor. Also learn everything you can about the illness. It will help you better understand him. Make sure he stays on his meds and continues to see a counselor even if he is feeling better. Lots of people with bi-polar disorder become stable and function and love and live wonderful lives.
Good Luck!

Answer 3

I would hope that you still love this person. I would also hope that he is taking medication for his condition since it is manageable. You say that he is not a nice person. Could it be that he refuses to take medication?

If that is the case, and you are tolerating debt, irresponsible behavior and other symptoms of the manic depressive....then maybe you are dependent on him and think you don't deserve better.

It is noble to stay with a person who is ill, but that does not relieve them of the responsibility to get treatment. After all, he is affecting you and possibly your family if you have children.

Ask yourself...why are you staying? I knew a friend who is a very smart physician. He fell for a crazy manic depressive girl who spent money like crazy, attacked him and was dangerously jealous and possessive. He couldn't leave her for almost 5 years. why?

I put it to him this way....will she go on medication? He said no, she absolutely refuses...I said are you willing to commit her one day because one day you will. He thought about it...and realized one thing that I do to this day. You marry for love and you marry with illness...but you do not marry for someone that is willing to hurt you repeatedly. As a wife, you can be supportive...but it is not your responsibility to give up your happiness for someone that is selfish and too ill to do something about it.

If you are in this relationship...evaluate what you want in life. Illness is a part of life. So is mental illness. But getting help for your problems is the responsibility of both of you. Marriage isn't a free ride to be pathetic, fat, or crazy. It is a license to build and maintain a relationship together. Is he doing that for you?

I wonder.

Answer 4

It's called co-dependency~ You feel needed and almost guilty ..even if at times when you want to leave! His form of need is great and you need to pay close attention to your needs as well! You married this person..til' death do you part...and you may feel guilty for even feeling like you do but the fact is..your partner is very ill and his needs are beyond normal. It sounds as though you love this person and are concerned but also look out for you too! I'm not saying leave this person....but know that your feelings are normal and be careful about your mental state!

Answer 5

For the same reason that you married him... love.

Some people don't stay, they decide they can't handle the extra responsibility, and leave.
Others recognise that they are needed, and stay.

BiPolar disorder and manic/depressive syndrome are one and the same... and it's readily treatable. It may take time to find a suitable therapy, not everyone has the same response to a given medication, but it's not a death sentence.
Stick with him.

Answer 6

I think you get that spouse because you love her. Is not difficult to have a mental ill one because we live in a mental ill world:

The most people enjoys to drink and don't care the next-day head ache, Likes to smoke and don't care the cancer. The most ignores or kicks their children, don't care their adult mental illness.

You spouse just has a high level of mental illness... but if you really loves her, you will do your best effort to help her.

good luck

Answer 7

Amor Vincit Omnia

Answer 8

Because some people still believe in the sanctity of marriage and will stay true to their vows of marriage, plus there is the love thing, which is most likely the reason you got married in the first place.

Answer 9

Because you love him and when you married him one of the vows was"for better and for worse".
Go to a support group with persons that have the same problems as you.
But, if he refuses to get help, and being with him becomes dangerous and/ or intolerable, maybe you should leave.

Answer 10

because you love them, as long as takes medication he might be fine, but this disease will never go away. You have to ask yourself " are you ready to do this the rest of your life?" My mom is has it bad and she has had it since she was 18 and now is in her 50s and as she got older the meds were not working... I don't know how my dad does it. It takes a strong person.
Good Luck