does any1 know a funny story?

Question

i want to laugh

Answer 1

God and the Harley Davidson Inventor


Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Answer 2

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R"; we missed the "R"!!!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was.............CELEBRATE!!!"

Answer 3

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost
you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"

Answer 4

Got some random jokes rite here!

Blond Shopping

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

More coin sooN!

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

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Gorilla Chase!

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."

Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla!

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"

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Blondes in a Convertible

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while.
Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,

"HURRY, HURRY, IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"

Answer 5

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy...

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

And... Men?

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Inside every older person is a younger person - - wondering what the hell happened. - Cora Harvey Armstrong
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the ***** up with cookies.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. - Carrie Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. - Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck
Old age ain't no place for sissies. - Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. - Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. - Jane Sellman
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. - Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time - - but sometimes several days attack me at once. - Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example - - then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. - Catherine
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! - Kathy Buckley
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb - - and I'm also not blonde. - Dolly Parton
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. - Eleanor Roosevelt
"Tell A man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he'll have to touch to make sure".
A reporter did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan ..
... several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land mines."

Moral of the Story: Behind Every Man Is a Smart Woman!!

A man was observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, and the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

did you like them?????? i would be glad if you did!!!!! i would also be glad to get the 10 points plz