I want my husband to come home we have just seperated. We have been married 12 yrs and he has recently had an affair, I think she has called it off with him. But he has decided that if he can be swayed so easily by another that indeed he isnt truly in love with me. I think he just feels really guilty about what he has done or he has gotten a real good taste of freedom and wants to try the single life for a while kinda like midlife crisis. I hope he comes to his senses b4 it is too late for our marriage. We have 2 children that are devistated. Has anyone been through this and had it work out?
2006-07-06 18:31:37 · 10 answers · asked by cdsmiles024 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Everyday, All over the world.
2006-07-06 18:35:28 · answer #1 · answered by DUMMY 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you allow him to come home then be prepared that he might cheat again. If he stays gone...then the children will adjust. It's the in and out cycle that's unhealthy for the kids. His being there is not necessarily the best thing because if you're worried and fretful all the time the kids will know you're not happy. And THAT will affect the kids more that his not living there anymore. So then what's the point in being together if together is not a healthy state? Change is the most difficult phase of life. That's why so many people "stay put" when they know they SHOULD make a move.
2006-07-06 18:40:00 · answer #2 · answered by cami 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What many people do not realize is that there are two types of love.There is the kind that most people think of which is when two individuals are crazy for each other and always all over each other. Then there is another kind.
The transition between the two is what causes many divorces and affairs. People want the first kind of love, but to get it they go out and find someone else to share it with.
The other kind of love is a respect and appreciation of the other person. Your husband probably still respected you and appreciated everything you did for him before he left (even if he would not admit it) . He would have still probably died for you up until he left.
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There is no way to keep the first kind of love forever. It isn't permanent. Occasionally there will be times when the first type of love is rekindled in a marriage such as after going to another wedding, taking a trip without the kids, etc. But most of the time, things do not slow down enough for your husband to recognize what he loves about you and why he married you in the first place. With modern day society, everything becomes a routine, unfortunately, even love in marriage.
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Every so often, you just need to spend time to yourself where you do nothing but think about why you love your spouse and why you married them in the first place.
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There are two reasons many men come back home and regret their actions.
1) The first type of love that they experianced again with someone else quickly fades away.
2) They are given the time to refelect about their previous spouse and find they are still in love with them, even though it is the second type of love.
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Sorry that i cannot give you any advise on how to deal with the situation, but i hope what i said helps. Just remember, everything is God's will, and will turn out for the best down the road even if you cannot see how this could possibly turn out good.
If you need some support, try going to a non-denominational church and talk to the staff/pastor. This may take some courage, but they will give you encouragement, and set you up with some other people that you can talk to.
I feel bad for you and your children, just be strong and work through it.
Sorry,
Dan
2006-07-06 18:49:08 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie, I've been where you are. You need to accept the fact that he isn't coming home. He's not coming home. You need to start therapy and put your children in therapy so you can all deal with your feelings of abandonment. You need to find an attorney and find out what excatly your rights are. I wish I could tell you something that would give you hope. I KNOW what your feeling. You want to believe SO BADLY that he is coming home and if he will...then everything would be ok. Your even willing to forgive him for having the affair. But sweetie, he's not coming home. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can begin to deal with your feelings. It's so hard to believe that he can just ........ walk away after so long, after everything your've been through, but he DID walk away, and yes he DID leave you to pick up the pieces because he just doesn't give a rats a** any more. This is one of the hardest things you will go through. And I am SO SO sorry you have to go through it, but you are not alone, there are thousands of women this happens to, and right now....one is writing to you. Please believe me when I tell you he won't be coming home. Go ahead and cry....and just keep crying until you can't cry any more. Then get mad....you are going to get SO incrediably mad at him!!! When you are at that stage...your one step closer to acceptance. I wish you so much luck. I know what your going through....it IS survivable. Be strong for your kids. You CAN get through this, I promise.
2006-07-06 18:44:24 · answer #4 · answered by carolscreation 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am a guy ,and yes I have been in your shoes.My ex ran out on my son and I when he was a baby.If he comes back it will only be because he needs somthing besides you,a home,money,a car.His remark about being swayed so easily is the hint.What he is really saying is that he is to irresponsible to have a family and that he is too much of a coward to tell you the truth.You need to get a full divorce and move on.This guy isn't even willing to try too work it out for the kids,do you really want a man like that around.
2006-07-06 18:42:18 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, i've been in that situation and my husband went to jail once we seperated and then he begged me back, at first i wanted him out, then i wanted him back home, it wasn't until jail he begged and i let him come back home,now i want him out and i want a divorce, he's a cheat and has just about cheated the entire marriage and we're going up on 5 years.he cheated with the next door neighbor and the musician at church, i'm fed up and i really feel i hate him.and guess what! he's a minister (he-he)God has to be very upset. i say leave the cheater where he is the children will soon understand and can still love him outside of the home. give him the boot for good.
2006-07-06 18:44:32 · answer #6 · answered by ladygee34208 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to focus on what you can do and what you can't. You cannot make your husband start making good decisions. You can make good decisions for yourself and your kids.
The whole "truly in love" thing is a bunch of crap and you know it. We stay with people because we made a lifetime commitment to do so and because they are our family. Obviously something is giving you strength because you are not badmouthing your husband and you're still committed.
The truth is you're in the worst part of things right now. Uncertainty is the worst part. Focus on what is certain: that you will be ok, that your kids will be ok, that you still have good friends and family, that life is still meant to be enjoyed. Focus on just laughing with your kids.
The rest of it you have to live to fate. God bless.
2006-07-06 18:52:17 · answer #7 · answered by Millie M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No. And I wanted him to come home so bad but thank GOD. he didn't. Cuz I would have taken that bum back, thought I couldn't live without him, thought our daughter needed him, blah, blah, blah. She needed his example like a hole in her head and I needed him like, well. THANK GOD, I got what I needed and not what I wanted, cuz now I realized that what I needed was exactly what I wanted all along. A life. Don't you think you deserve to be your man's first choice. He'll do it to you over and over and over and over again. Really. You just don't do that to someone you love. Take a deep breath. Trust God. Take good care of your kids (don't talk bad about dad). Get some counseling. Move on. God bless you.
2006-07-06 18:37:25 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you should go out and find a guy with more love in him than your husband. If hes not comming back believe me he doesnt really love you, divorce him and get everything you can, then no woman will really want the rat.
2006-07-06 18:35:44 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
been there done that. i do regret leaving her, but unfortunately at the time I had it in my head that it was my mistake and I was going to live with the consequences. Now its too late.
You can contact me directly if you want the full male perspective. I left almost the EXACT same situaton.
2006-07-06 18:36:32 · answer #10 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋